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General Forum Index -> Coming Out....

My Story (sorry the long version)
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storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


quote:
Originally posted by Moonshine:
Its "Madam & Eve"...

Moon xx


"Madam & Eve" ay? Well, I'll be! I just learned something new! Thanks for the tid-bit.

And, dear story-teller, keep going! You've got a way with words!

Post Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:25 pm 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


That is just too funny Moony! Smile madam!

Backtracking a little, as at this stage I was in my 2nd year of studying teaching at uni.
After my 'year off', in which I avoided at all possible costs questions such as 'what do you do?' , or in the case of my particular social group 'what do you study?', I decided that I could not bide my time any longer and I had to go ahead and make a decision. I wasn't going back to my previous course: that I was sure of. I did like working with children; I had already been a volunteer in numerous childrens' programs since my teenage years and many people told me that I would make a good teacher. It sounded ok to me. Although the thought of returning to the 'scene' of so many unpleasant childhood memories did bother me somewhat, I decided to go ahead with it and applied for teaching courses. In my usual indecicive way, I deliberated and stressed about which uni to go to, finally deciding this time on a smaller campus in a lovely bush setting.
When the time came for enrollment, I had a panic attack and only made it as far as the car park before turning around and going home. But after a few days of reviewing my options and listening to my parents' convincing arguments, I went along to the late enrollment day and managed to remain composed long enough to sign my life away and have my mug shot taken for a student card.
Having thus enrolled, I began attending my new university and found that I quite enjoyed it. It was a small campus, quite clicky in a way, and I had no desire this time around to join any groups or 'live it up' as a student. I formed a few friendships with girls in my course (there were only a few guys in the course, and I could never even remember their names...) but mostly conducted my social life outside of the uni scene.

Back to the previous topic....
Falling in love with a girl was never part of my plan. Because as far as I was concerned, it wasn't part of God's plan, and God's plan WAS my plan. I knew it wasn't wrong to be tempted, only to act on it. I knew that the 'Christian' response (at least in my own experience) was to love the sinner but hate the sin, to accept homosexual people in the church as long as they were committed to celibacy. Hey I even knew that God could take care of anything as long as I could hand it over to him. So why couldn't I? Because for the first time there was a conflict between my feelings and my beliefs. According to my system of beliefs the two were simply not compatible; it was a battle, and it simply had to be a battle to the death.

Post Thu Nov 12, 2009 4:33 pm 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


"Falling" in love is never a part of anybody's plan; that's precisely what makes it so exciting. (I do understand your perspective, though Wink

*still listening*

~Eilidh

Post Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:19 pm 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Well, in that case, religion won. Not that it wasn't a difficult battle. Not that, if circumstances had been different, I wouldn't in all likelihood have gone against what I believed in action and felt incredibly guilty about it the whole time. But religion won because I had built my whole identity out of it, out of being a Christian, being a child of God, being committed to him and him alone. I was told by caring, well-meaning Christian friends that 'battling'is not bad, is not a sin, it is in fact a sign of life. If I didn't care about God I wouldn't have been battling, it wouldn't have even been an issue. Well apart from the whole deviating from the social norm kind of thing anyway...
I did my research, I knew there were plenty of gay Christians out there and I thought..maybe..it could be possible to be both. But I had always been a literalist in my biblical approach. 7 days were 7 days. Why? Because God said so. Why anything? Because God said so. He was the one who made the rules, decided how we were to live; all I had to do was believe and follow. And I couldn't reconcile in my own belief system how I could be gay AND a Christian. (Please note that I know there are many who can and do, I am not making a judgement on those people and I don't want to offend anyone, I am just relating my story as it occurred for me).
I was always taught, whether directly or indirectly, that homosexuality was a sin, it was a distortion of God's plan for men and women. I knew that God loved the sinner even though he hated the sin. I knew that it wasn't what you felt, it was what you did about it that mattered. That the church accepted homosexual people as long as they were celibate. But I couldn't understand why God would make someone a certain way only to then deny them the loving relationships that heterosexual people could enjoy openly. Unless, of course, God DIDN'T make them that way. Unless...unless it was a result of sin, not God's joyful creation.
My mind reeled on this thought. Why, why, why could what I was feeling be wrong? It didn't feel wrong. It felt like the right-est thing I had ever felt. I had never, ever felt that way about a man. I always thought that falling in love and romance and (yes, even sex) was overrated. But now, I was beginning to understand what people were on about. What all the fuss was about!
No one ever said it was wrong for a woman to fall in love with a man. Love is good, right? God is love, or so I was told. But my sometimes-too-logical and sometimes-too-naive brain was convinced that it was NOT God's plan for me to be with a woman. That it was outrageous even to consider the idea.
Of course, I didn't come to this conclusion overnight. I did a lot of back and forthing, a lot of worrying, and a hell of a lot of wanting. I eventually told her how I felt, I had to get it off my chest and she was amazingly kind and supportive.
Having decided, though, that it was simply wrong, I took myself off to a Christian counsellor (specialised in this area) to be 'fixed'. I was so embarrassed that after 6 or so sessions I was still procrastinating about talking about it and filling in the time with other issues instead. Eventually I just stopped going and worked on convincing myself instead. With the help of a few Christian friends.

At that time I had a few close male friends who I spent a reasonable amount of time with. Unfortunately, though they were wonderful people and great buddies, I guess we all know the reason a male will spend so much time with one girl... but I didn't feel anything for any of them, other than enjoying and appreciating their friendship. Just for the record, a few was 3 or 4. Not hoards.
One 'friend' took me out for champaigne picnics, we sat up late watching movies and cuddling on the couch... it was nice. Nice, that's all. He was a pretty good kisser too, technique-wise...(but that was all, really...I was at least TRYING to be a good Christian girl). I guess I knew deep down that it was the same 'being needed/wanted/desired' attraction again.
Another 'friend' always looked out for me, he was such a gentleman... we connected on an appreciation-of-the-arts levels, on a humour level, on a talking-about-important-things level...but he also seemed to be interested in a relationship.
And a third 'friend'...I had known him for the longest, he made me laugh, I felt comfortable around him, safe, secure. He had been 'pursuing' me for months, I had been saying no. (I even tried to set him up with one of my friends!) He was probably my bestest friend. So I married him. Well, if you have to marry a man, it might as well be your best friend, right?

Post Thu Dec 03, 2009 11:47 am 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Thanks for having the courage to continue WW............still sitting quietly and listening.




HugZ, MG
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Thu Dec 03, 2009 11:56 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Thanks MG. Sorry for being so long-winded (and probably repetitive) though. Smile

Post Fri Dec 04, 2009 4:56 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Well I suppose I'd better continue...I was hoping that by this stage I'd have a few more answers than I do. Maybe I will just have to admit to myself that I don't have and never will have the answers, or rather that every answer is accompanied by a gazillion new questions....
I started this story thinking ''what should I do?''...well I have decided on that, I have carried that out...now I just have to work out where the hell I am and where the hell I am going. I only know now where I am not. And I don't regret it, not at all, but I've given up security and predictability and yes, even someone who loved me enough to want me around...and now I haven't got a clue.

But anyway...

Three months after I said yes, I'll be your girlfriend, I suggested that we get married. He was agreeable. After all, that's what you do. Another three months passed and we walked down the aisle together, hand in hand, ready to embark on life as God had planned it. Here's where I need that sarcasm font...oh well....
I threw myself into being a good little Christian wife, into finishing my last year of study, into part-time work and church and singing and Sunday School and missions committee and parish council and whatever I could find to do basically. Marriage was marriage, we got along, we did what we had to do, we spent time with family and friends and planned for the future. I guess I was too busy to think much about it all...and too busy accepting that that was who I was.

Post Mon Dec 14, 2009 11:52 am 
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storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


How long ago was it that you walked down the aisle? I wouldn't mind reading the next chapter of this, if you wouldn't mind posting Wink

Post Tue Jan 05, 2010 8:00 am 
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april22



Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Posts: 11


i enjoyed reading your story. Smile
thank you for sharing. i've experienced almost the same during high school.
i really appreciate you posting your story and you did great telling your story.

i would mind reading it as well.

Post Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:38 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Thank you both April and Storybellz...

It was 7 years ago.

The reason I stopped is that, as you already know, I have taken a new direction in my life and while I am confident that it is the RIGHT thing, I am not ready to articulate the latest developments just yet. My mind can be very slow indeed at times...it can take me quite a while to really process things.

In a nutshell...yes I have left the marriage. I am now 'out' to quite a few people in my life, but not all. There are so many emotions I am trying to work through...some good, some not so good. Relief, regret, joy, grief....hope, despair....

Post Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:00 pm 
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girlwithguitar4447



Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan


I can relate so much to what has happened in your life. I still haven't figured out how to reconcile my religion with who I am attracted to. All very messy stuff indeed. Thanks for sharing.

Post Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:50 am 
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