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Three Years

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Sprout



Joined: 26 Aug 2005
Posts: 130
Location: Upstate NY
Three Years

After having read a few other posts here in "Moans & Groans" I wonder if I even have a right to bitch...but I'm in need of a few moments to gripe so please bear with me.

* * *

The past three and a half years of my life have had their ups and downs. Some were major, some not so major. All of which have had an impact on me. The biggest of those issues is the fact that I regret having moved back "home" to NY. Not for the orginal reason mind you (which was to help take care of my uncle who had been terminally ill) but I wish we had gone back to MO after his passing in Oct 09. Without getting into too much detail, there have been a number of family disputes ever since then and the culmination of them all has pretty much torn my heart out of my chest. My cousins who have always been like sisters to me (as I am an only child) no longer speak to me - one of which gave me the ultimatum of choosing them or my wife. My parents are still involved in my life but that is about it from my family....a family that at one time I was very close to. Although I have no doubt that my time away from them (I moved away for 5 years) brought about many of the changes - I knew that I was not the same person coming back who had left 5 years prior. I had done A LOT of growing up while away and on my own (and quite literally, on my own for a period of that time away). I had found a lot of self confidence, of which I no longer seem to have.

I have my wife, the kids, my inlaws - and while I cherish all of these people and am grateful for being welcomed into their family with love......it just doesn't feel the same.

It is at times like these that I wish I could go back in time to fix what happened just so that we could all just be happy together again. But then there are the times that I just wanna say, "Fuck it!" and "Someday they will need help with something, maybe not from me specifically, just in general and I won't be there to help them." Does this make me heartless?? I know that two wrongs don't make a right...but GD it! They ruthlessly ripped my heart out..........and for the life of me, I can't figure out why I still care and love them!

I keep all of this bottled up inside of me because everytime I tell someone about this (in greater details, details in which I do not care to discuss publically)...I either get one of two reactions: A) I get sympathy and a "that's too bad but I don't have any advice for you" or B) I get the whole "You brought this on yourself" lecture.

I part of me (admittedly a huge part) really wants to just pack things up and go live far away from here. And live with the fact that my parents will have to come visit me and my family wherever we go. But economically and realistically, that's just not feasible right now. And it would running away. Not to mention the fact that we are finally beginning to make friends here, great friends that we totally enjoy hanging out with.

My head and my heart are warring with these issues...my heart wishes for reconcilliation with my cousins but my head just says "Screw it! Put the walls up and stop caring!"

I just don't know anymore....and the most sucky part of all of this mess...I don't get to see my "nieces and nephew" (my cousins kids) grow up. Kids that I love with all of my heart and soul.

* * *

Thanks for listening to me gripe.
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51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch...Don't Push It!

Post Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:53 am 
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Xalia1
Moderators


Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love


Sprout,

I'm really sorry to hear all this.
One of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with is the fact that some of my family has written me off...(doesn't talk to me at all)
I grew up in a really close family as well, one where our cousins were more like siblings cuz we are all always together and we never really changed that. Now things have gotten so bad that my family is literally split in half. Half on my mother's side - who is the cause of them not talking to me, and half on mine - who side against my mother. So its pretty much a war, and it breaks my heart every day.

I don't know what caused the rift with your family, but I do really hope you get a chance to fix it. The one thing you can do is learn not to let it run your life. My wife gave me some great advice a little while back. She said the more power I give the drama and the more I let it affect me that they aren't talking to me, the more they win. I hate thinking about it as though there is a winner or a loser - because in reality everyone loses in a situation like that - but she was right. Now...every time something happens that upsets me concerning the family I allow myself to grieve over it, be upset and whatever necessary, but I only allow it for one day. After that day, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and remind myself that its a whole new day. It sounds a lot easier than it is, but it really does work. I no longer let it rule my life. They get their day, and then the next, I move on.

I keep a space in my heart open for them, and I know that should the chance ever come I will tell them I love them and that I forgave them for everything almost the moment that it happened. It gives me peace not to hold a grudge and to know the door is open, they just have to choose to open it.

I don't know if this helped or if I went on a ramble about my own problems...lol but I hope it helped a little just to know someone understands. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

Hella Hella Hugs,
Xalia Exclamation
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Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~

Post Sat Apr 30, 2011 5:12 pm 
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wys2uways



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 272


Excellent advice for all of us, even just as a wonderful outlook on a healthy way to live our lives.

I think this is way more common than any of us who go through it knows.

But speaking of these things, we realize that none of us is alone.

Thanks Xalia.

Post Sat Apr 30, 2011 8:41 pm 
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Sprout



Joined: 26 Aug 2005
Posts: 130
Location: Upstate NY


Xal,

Thank you for sharing your story with me (and all the rest of us out there). I think that you have found a very healthy way of dealing with your feelings / grief over the loss of those family members. Definately something we can all "use" (for a lack of better word) at one point or another in our lives.

On a general day to day basis I do not dwell on these issues, otherwise I would constantly be bawling and grieving. It just creeps up on me at times...a favorite memory...a picture...or a mention of one them in a conversation. And I wind up spiraling downwards until I am in dispair. But I find a way to dig myself back out again. Unfortunately, they are always at the back of my mind - poking at me. And I am left with "what if's". Grr...

As for my chosen family, back in MO, (not my in-laws but those few friends who found their ways into my heart)...I am slowly making progress in tying our connections back together (as they were involved in this astronomical rift as well - that's a long story itself). One particular person is going to be the toughest nut to crack but I am hoping with time that we can be friends once more.
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51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch...Don't Push It!

Post Tue May 03, 2011 6:57 pm 
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wys2uways



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 272


Keep trying with that person. I have found that some people are more willing to let a relationship go. My sister is like that. When she gets mad, she is very stubborn and more than willing to sacrifice our relationship, even though she knows she loves me so, even when it's not my fault, I just keep chipping away at her until she comes back. I am not willing to sacrifice the relationship, even though it is not easy to be the one that keeps trying. It is worth it to me. I guess that is the main thing that you have to decide.

Post Wed May 04, 2011 10:53 am 
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