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Do you ever try to hide yourself at work?
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srggrl



Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 38
Do you ever try to hide yourself at work?

Hi again Smile I'm sorry for so many postings... I've just felt so alone for so long, and now that I've discovered this forum... I have all of these questions to ask, and it feels wonderful to have people to answer who don't judge me Smile

Anyway, here's my newest question. Did (or do) any of you ever try to "hide" yourself in your professional life? For instance, do you say an actor is hot just to make people think you like men instead of women?

Also, if you ever did tell people, have you ever been mistreated or judged by others?

I'm just trying to figure out my future and what's all going to happen to me if I totally change my life!

Thanks again for reading Exclamation

Post Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:02 pm 
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Xalia1
Moderators


Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love


Srggrl,

This is a good question.
I have always been able to express myself pretty freely...
My jobs never cared, and usually my boss and/or co-workers were pretty supportive. Most were curious about my relationship dynamics, but respectful about it.
Now that I've moved to a new place, a very religious 'community' its a LOT different. Its like going in the closet allll over again. I know for a fact that if I came 'out' at work, I would be on the unemployment line tomorrow. I know its not supposed to happen, but it does. They would make some reason.
I think its great if you have a place to work that accepts you as you are, and doesn't ask questions or if they do ask questions, don't mind the answers. It helps the process and daily life.
Good luck on your journey, I hope you enjoy.

Hugs,
Xalia
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Post Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:41 am 
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Trisha



Joined: 14 Jan 2008
Posts: 25
Location: USA


I think this is where you will need to use your own judgment. Personally I have found it best not to broadcast the fact that I’m lesbian. There are a lot of things to consider here and I think the most important thing is to recognize the environment you’re in. Like it or not, some people will judge you on anything whether its race, sexual orientation, fat, skinny, short, tall or even your clothes. Some will accept you as you are and be supportive, and others may even hate you for whatever reason.

I’m in a management position where I work and here are a couple of examples: There are a few women who would love to have my job. Don’t kid yourself; some people will spread rumors based on innocent situations that look like it was something it was not, and will twist conversations to make things sound different than what was actually meant. So I just don’t give them ammunition to use against me.

Example two: This actually happened. There was a position that came open after an employee failed a drug test. Mr. Joe Blow (a black male) and Miss. Jane Blow (a white female) applied for the position. Mr. Joe Blow did have 3 months seniority over Miss. Jane Blow, but he had a poor attendance record, had little computer skills, and had been written up (by me) for horse play. Miss. Jane Blow had a nearly perfect attendance record, excellent computer skills, and no write ups, however she is known for “brown nosing” and she sometimes sat with me at lunch. Miss. Jane Blow got the position, and Mr. Joe Blow felt that discrimination played a roll in her getting it.

Our decision was honestly based on job requirement, attendance, and safety records. How much more would it have complicated the situation if it had been known that I was lesbian? Also, would upper management question whether or not I’m best suited to make staffing decisions or even hold a management position if they knew? See example one.

Again, I don’t give them ammunition to use against me. Ultimately its up to you to decide if you want to hide it or not. For me, my personal life is none of anyone’s business where my job is concerned.

Hope this helps.

Trisha.

Post Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:36 pm 
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srggrl



Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 38
Trisha, thanks!

Hi Trisha! You make a good point. Actually, my situation is similar.. but I don't want to explain too much for anonymity. However, I'm basically a student... and I get straight A's. I already have a hard time because I'm white among quite a few black students. REally, I don't get better treatment, I just work really hard and earn every A I get. It wouldn't matter what color I was, or whether I preferred males or females... i still would work just as hard and get an A. Some people at the school, however, assume that I get A's because I'm white... I've heard that before. But, if I told them more info about me, they'd spread rumors like wildfire... and possibly make my life a living he**. So, it's hard to come out, but yet the person I'm interested in goes to my school... so I'd like to let her know without letting others know. Also, this girl, she's not open... and I don't honestly know her orientation... but there are so many signs that point to lesbian or at least bi... But, I just don't know how to keep it secret, but yet let her know ... I'm working on that one! Smile I wish people in our society could only see people for who they are on the inside... and never pass judgement. The world would be a better place!

Post Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:54 pm 
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carolinagirl05



Joined: 01 Feb 2008
Posts: 1


I am not out to everyone at work, but I am out to a select few. This took over 2 years though before I told anyone at work. I am in a very conservative area, so I am careful who I am out to. I think that makes a big difference, how liberal or conservative your particular area of the country is.

Post Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:36 pm 
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Redsy



Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 86
Location: South west UK


quote:
Originally posted by Trisha:

Our decision was honestly based on job requirement, attendance, and safety records. How much more would it have complicated the situation if it had been known that I was lesbian? Also, would upper management question whether or not I’m best suited to make staffing decisions or even hold a management position if they knew? See example one.


That line of thinking appalls me, if you were a guy, would they think that you hired Miss instead of Mr because you fancied her? Why would your being a lesbian affect your professional judgment? It scares me that people would think it does....

srggrl: I'm not out at work, even though here in the UK we're generally quite accepting of sexual orientation, but simply because it's my personal life:it's not anyone's business, and I don't think it should matter, it doesn't affect my work, or my relationships with the people I work with, just like being straight wouldn't if I was... If you see what I mean?

Post Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:36 pm 
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wys2uways



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 272


You make a good point but, on the other hand, I also don't feel like it would be fair for all of the others in my department to be able to talk about what they did over the weekend and what they got for Christmas and other general every day chit chat and me not be able to participate in an honest way. I don't want to pretend or have to think twice about how I phrase something, just like they don't have to. It works for me. People have been very accepting and now they ask me about my love just like they ask everyone else. I like it. It makes my days much more pleasant.

Post Fri Feb 01, 2008 10:42 pm 
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lil_princess



Joined: 11 Sep 2005
Posts: 100
Location: My Head


I have to agree with most replys on here. I came out at work after a while of being there, after I knew and understood people's thoughts and opinions about it. I still haven't come out to certain people, but if they were to ask I would confirm it. I think I've been lucky getting into such an accepting environment, because its really important to be who you are.
wys2uways makes a great point,I want to be honest & I want to be included in that everyday chit chat with coworkers & I love it when they ask how my gf is.
Trisha mentioned that it is hard being in a management position. That is very true, but I have learned not to get too involved/ give out so many info/ being too friendly to coworkers because it could all turn around against you.
Arrow Lil-P
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Post Sat Feb 02, 2008 9:36 pm 
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Rosebud



Joined: 24 Jul 2007
Posts: 164


Exclamation

Last edited by Rosebud on Wed Mar 19, 2008 2:36 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Mon Feb 04, 2008 2:47 pm 
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Subversive



Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 115
Location: NC


I'm out to only a few co-workers, and anyone who flat-out asks. I won't lie about it, even if it does make life harder. But I AM careful not to tell some people, as I have a few enemies at work. The one thing I have going for me if anyone tries to fire me over it, is an excellent work record, and a complete willingness to throw someone thoroughly under the bus for messing with me. And honestly, I'm more worried about the customers, (I live in the South and have churches holding revivals on street corners every Sat.!), than I am my coworkers or bosses.

But I agree with most of the opinion of keeping it quiet. Don't hide it, if you are in an accepting environment, but don't shout it out either. It tends to lead to problems, and can also cause tension and miscommunication with anyone with phobias.
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Post Mon Feb 04, 2008 4:39 pm 
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Eilidh
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Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


I am not out at work, nor do I plan on coming out, but it is for the reason of my own comfort rather than safety. I live and work in a pretty safe environment; if I were to come out, I don't think I'd encounter any more than possibly a little political back-handedness. However, I don't talk about my private life in any respect, so it would make no sense to bring up aspects of orientation. If someone asked me directly, I would most likely give them an honest answer. Normally however, I keep work affairs and family affairs completely separate.

That said, I do speak up if someone makes a homophobic remark ... just as I do for any other discriminatory remarks (transphobic, racist, sexist, etc.) So, my co-workers know where I stand on certain issues of "marginalized" communities; they just may or may not know that I happen to belong to some of those communities myself.

Post Mon Feb 04, 2008 5:08 pm 
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Maureen Welch



Joined: 14 Jan 2008
Posts: 28
Location: Chicago,Il.USA


While I was teaching school I was married so I was never out at work. Now that I am a widow I am out to my children. I have been " out " to a very few women for over twenty years. Mo - Trina's Soulmate ! Arrow
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Post Wed Feb 13, 2008 9:24 pm 
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Mystic



Joined: 23 Oct 2006
Posts: 194


No, I don't try to hide myself at work or anywhere else. I have tried to learn to be myself and be proud of that fact, but I have encountered being treated differently and rejection and it hurts.

Post Thu Feb 14, 2008 5:22 pm 
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Dark prism



Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.


I hid being a lesbian for 20 years, but I came out last year and I did it at work first. Everyone was fantastic about it (well, I could tell one girl was not accepting, but she never said anything and quit shortly thereafter, and not because of me) and it is still the #1 topic of conversation and jokes (not mean spirited) and we all have alot of fun with it. I am so thankful for my co-workers being so accepting, but I also live near Los Angeles where tolerance is probably better than most places in the country.

At this point though, I don't think I could handle not being out at another workplace. It turns my stomach at the thought of going back into that closet, and I have told myself I just won't do it. Been there done that, for way too long. It is way past time for me to really live my life and be me, dammit, and I'm doing it, and it feels great.

On the other hand, I certainly understand and sympathize with people who live in certain parts of America and the rest of the world where being out could be dangerous. You would have to weigh the risks in those situations, but I just know that here, where it is generally more accepted, I won't hide from it anymore, even if it means I lose a job. That just means that was not where I was supposed to be. And if I run across people that are not accepting, then I will see it as a chance at showing them that I am just like anyone else. I will be a goodwill embassador for my community---the LGBT community, and maybe I can educate someone, in fact, I know I already have.

I just know that I can't not be out anymore and with the help of my girlfriend, I'm even getting better about public displays of affection (nothing more than any straight couple would do). I've come a long way in just under a year, and it feels great!


Dp
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Post Tue Feb 19, 2008 5:30 am 
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findyourpassion



Joined: 24 Aug 2006
Posts: 82


I don't make comments to purposely make people think I'm straight, but I generally let them go on with their assumption that I'm straight. I am careful with my wording so that I'm never talking about guys or boyfriends or whatever. If striaght out asked if I was a lesbian, I don't know what I would say. I ought to figure that out of course, but I don't know that I could lie. I suppose it would depend on the person what I said.
That said, I hate to not be able to take part in the "general chit-chat" as someone else put it, as freely as the rest. What kills me is when people say you're "broadcasting" even when you're only sharing as much as a straight couple would. It's like you say, "My girlfriend and I went to see Vantage Point last night." and they say, "Do you HAVE to make such a big deal about being a lesbian?" When they say what they did with their SO the other night I want to say, "Do you HAVE to make such a big deal about being straight?" So many straight people don't realize how much assumed heterosexuality there is in society. Sometimes I feel like more than the military is operating on Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Post Fri Mar 07, 2008 5:19 am 
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