BACK TO HOME PAGE SITE NAVIGATION CONTACT POETRY FORUM STORY FORUM   Horoscope  Radio  Gallery  FAQ   Search   Memberlist   Usergroups   Register   Profile   PM's   
Log in 
 
General Forum Index -> Coming Out....

My Story (sorry the long version)
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Ladies Lifestyle and Living Store
  Author    Thread Post new topic Reply to topic
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


In year 9, I became friends with a 'new girl' who was also different enough from the crowd to be given a relatively wide berth - but in her case because she was so confident and comfortable with who she was - quirks and all- that the other students must have thought she couldn't be for real. But she was, and fairly quickly gathered around her a small group of 'misfits' that didn't seem to fit in anywhere else. We became the 'squares' - academically inclined, not into sex and booze and drugs, one kid in a wheelchair, 2 with big glasses and 2 of us who were shy and preferred books to real people. We were the group that spent lunchtimes helping the careers advisor with paperwork, practicing 'titration' in the chemistry lab, or discussing religion and ethics in preference to fashion and football.
Our group leader was an evangelical Christian who genuinely cared for her little group of 'misfits' - including our souls. She was medium in stature with incredibly long, unbelievably curly blonde hair that never failed to get comments. Top that off with a pair of rather large, awkward glasses that were the norm at that time and a magnetic attraction for accidents and disasters of all descriptions. Within weeks she was known to the staff of the local emergency room by name; they were never surprised to see her back. She had an immense collection of stories and anecdotes that kept our little group amused and acted somewhat like a catalyst towards group bonding.
But back to our poor unsaved souls. My friend told me years later that I was the 'easiest' person she had ever converted. I soaked it all up like a thirsty sponge - all that Christian stuff. In no time at all I was going along to Youth Group, then to church, Bible studies, church youth camps and so on. This new group of people really seemed to care about me. And they weren't even related to me! They spoke to me like I mattered, welcomed me into their homes and made me a part of their world. For the first time in years, if not ever, I felt a sense of belonging.

Post Sat Oct 17, 2009 12:33 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


Ditto. This is happening to me right now. For ex. i usually start-out eating lunch in the college cafeteria alone, just b/c i haven't really bonded w/ anyone, for whatever reasons.

But, then, before i knew it, this girl from Campus Crusad for Christ decided she was drawn to me. Now, everytime i have luch, and she's there, she'll sit with me. It seems that everyone who ever really gives me the time-a-day has that leaning and/or is also a misfit in some aware way (i say "aware"---for lack of a better word---b/c everyone is really a misfit---depending---, just some of us are more aware of it than others). Anyway, just recently, she and one of her CCC friends took me and another girl (in a wheelchair) to a cook-out at a professor's house (who happened to be a missionary).

The sad thing is there are people who are more my type (i think), in-terms of beliefs, etc., but for some strange reason, fate has yet to bring us together. So, i love them from afar.

I've let her (the CCC girl) know though that i'm not into being converted, as i already have my own set of beliefs. But, that i didn't mind being a friend, and just go with the flow w/ her. Well, she was cool w/ that. But, then-again, she doesn't exactly know all there is to know about me either---and the fact that i get crushes on women (in-fact, as of now, i'm positively head-over-heels for our female Dean of Students---but, that's a whole other story). So, it may just be a temporary cool. Only time will tell...

Now, i wonder what happens next Question

Post Sat Oct 17, 2009 10:35 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Ahh the Dean hey Storybellz Smile You must have expensive taste. I thought it might have been a lecturer from your Dear So and So post.

Post Sat Oct 17, 2009 10:40 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


Nope. It's the Dean. And, i go by her office often, just because. Truth is, i almost wish she were a lecturer, at least then i'd be able to see her more. The fact is, i can't stand going without seeing her for too long! Oh, if only she knew! But, i know...it's a forbidden love. Anyway, i have dropped her some hints recently, and i think she may have caught my drift (I'll have to put that story into a "Coming Out" thread of my own, sometime...).

And, the craziest part about it is, i found-out that the Dean is almost like a Campus cop, she keeps track of all we do right and wrong, and if things get bad enough, she decides who stays and who goes. Shocked

But, ya know, i just don't see her like that. For whatever reason, i'm just smitten by her, and i feel so at ease in her company.

But, yeah...i guess i do have expensive taste; i always did say there's something so sexy about a mature, nurturing, feminine, yet professional woman. And, ah! When she wears that grey suit! Embarassed

Post Sat Oct 17, 2009 10:52 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


quote:
Originally posted by storybellz:
i always did say there's something so sexy about a mature, nurturing, feminine, yet professional woman.


Storybellz,
Yes, there is something incredibly attractive about a mature, professional woman who still has a feminine quality. It's like: "I can be Woman and Strong at the same time, and I'm completely aware of my intention."

Sorry to intrude on the thread, Wonderwhy. Just had to comment!
*sitting back down for the next chapter*

~Eilidh

Post Sun Oct 18, 2009 6:10 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Please note: all opinions and ideas represented here are part of my journey, and not necessarily a reflection on my current beliefs or values.


The next few years were quite happy ones, in which I became discipled/ indoctrinated (whichever way you choose to look at it!) into the Church. I became a regular fixture and began to feel as though the people in the Church were my family. They truly were genuinely caring, delightful people. Of course, I wasn't happy all the time, and the depression that I had had since childhood (but was yet to recognise or name for what it was) made sure of that. I suppose that to myself and others, I was just 'moody'. Particularly in the teenage years, this was hardly unusual. But nevertheless, I got caught up in the church scene and made it my life. Everything I was taught made so much sense, it all fitted together perfectly and became a foundation for me to build my life on. God was all-powerful. God was loving. God was real! I could take all my burdens and worries and lay them on him and he would take care of them all. It was almost too good to be true. And all he wanted in return...was my lifelong devotion and obedience to him. Well that was easy, how could I not want to serve such a wonderful God?
So I started on the learning curve towards spiritual enrichment: I learned about humanities failure to please God, about his unlimited forgiveness, about what I could do to live a Godly Christian life and please him and be all that he intended me to be... I could go on and on but I won't.
All the answers were there for the taking. Life, death, the universe... No more searching, no more wondering, no more uncertainty.

Post Mon Oct 19, 2009 10:02 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


There is something very appealing I think in having everything set out in black and white. All the answers, the expectations, the neat orderly set of beliefs that only need to be imprinted, not discovered. Anything I didn't understand or fully contemplate was ok because I didn't need to understand everything, it was enough that God did.
I'm probably being a little too simplistic here. Smile
All the people around were so lovely, too lovely, almost too perfect. Not that they were pretending, or insincere. They were very genuine. But I knew the me of the inside, and I knew I wasn't that good.
As I entered my senior years of high school, I discovered that I wasn't as completely unattractive to boys as I though I was, and subsequently ended up with a boyfriend. He was a very sweet person, more than a little on the odd side of normal but good company and lots of fun. I think I was so flattered and surprised that he actually liked me, and so attracted by the idea of being close to someone that I didn't really stop and think. I just went with the flow.
As much as I enjoyed his company, and the company of the other friends I was getting to know in his group, I was constantly plagued and guilt-ridden by the knowledge that Christians were not supposed to have non-Christian boyfriends. I knew I was doing the wrong thing but I felt so comfortable with this new set of friends, I didn't have to try so hard be 'good' there. They were as openly imperfect as I felt. Not dangerous, just normal. And on the other hand, the people at church knew about this relationship, but no-one ever asked anything about it, said anything about it. I knew from all the youth talks, sermons, Bible Studies that I was doing the wrong thing, but no-one seemed to want to know what I was feeling or thinking. No one knew how I was struggling inside, how I felt that no matter how hard I tried I could never be as good as everyone else anyway...
Oh I knew that it was all about grace, not merit. But I also knew that doing the wrong thing was sin, and it was an insult to God.
So I broke up and got back together with this poor boy several times, which probably wasn't great for his self-esteem either. In the end my conscience won out and I broke it off for good, and I didn't keep from him the reason why. He, consequently, made no secret of the fact that he had been 'dumped for God'. I think I put the poor guy off God for life. (Another thing that has plagued my conscience for years - this is starting to sound like confessions!).

Post Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:24 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


I had become good friends with several of the people in this new group, and I continued to spend time both with them and with my 'original' group. There was one boy I became particuarly good close to. He was very quiet, an introvert: a complete contrast to his rather extrovered friend who I had recently broken up with. But he had a cheeky sense of humour and I found he was an intelligent, interesting person once I got to know him. He made it clear to me that he wanted to be more than friends, and I let him know that it wasn't going to happen. Though not as clearly as I should have, and there were definite grey areas in the way we interacted with each other.
It is very comforting and comfortable to be around someone who is attentive, affectionate and who adores you. I adored him too, of course, but not quite in the same way, although I was attracted to him in a sense. I think, in retrospect, that the attraction I had to both these boys was a reaction to their feelings for me: I wanted to be wanted, needed, loved. And they did. They made me feel attractive, they made me feel special. I think I was addicted to the attention this boy gave me, I was addicted to the power I had over his mind, his heart. I was probably even addicted to wanting what I couldn't have. Because I couldn't. He was willing, of course. But you see, I had broken up with my previous boyfriend for 'religious reasons'. How could I then turn around and go against what I'd convinced myself I believed? Not only would it go against my conscience, but it would hurt and offend the boy I'd broken up with for that very same reason.
Also, as much as I enjoyed his company, I couldn't see us as a couple. I didn't want to be a couple. I was happy to be friends with 'grey areas'....but in my own slefish way I wanted to keep all his attention, his adoration but still keep my distance. I didn't want to be his, but I didn't want him to be someone else's either. So I guess I kept him on a string. In many ways we were both quite emotionally manipulative of each other. I think I was very messed up.

It's funny but I can't seem to be able to dredge up a clear picture of what happened with this 'relationship' towards the very end of high school. I know that we mostly lost contact after high school, apart from maybe 3 visits over 4-5 years. But I can't remember that specific period. Maybe I just have a really bad memory. I guess we must have just drifted apart...

Post Thu Oct 29, 2009 9:27 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Its funny, isn't it, how things that were earth shatteringly important at the time roll away to the point where we cant even recall what happened in the long run?

Keep thinking and writing your story WW. it is good for you.



HugZ, Noni.......singing line from a Trisha Yearood song

"Well something must have happened
and we must have said goodbye
And my heart must have been broken
But I can't recall just why..."
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Fri Oct 30, 2009 12:10 am 
 View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Thank you so much Noni for your comments and for you support. It really means a lot to me.

Back to the story.....

As I left high school and prepared to go to University, my mind was taken up with the stress of choosing my 'path in life', no small decision for someone who really didn't know what she wanted to do, and who had an intense fear of ruining her life in one swoop by making the wrong decision.
I spent nights filling shelves in a local chain store, and days sleeping, going to the beach, eating chocolate and worrying about what to do next... along with studying the Bible and praying fervently to God to show me what to do. I was very much convinced by this stage that my life was God's, that I owed it all to him and was going to live my life in dedicated service to him. The question of course was: how? There were still decisions to be made. Going to Uni seemed the obvious next step. I was academically inclined and to be the first in my family to go to Uni, well it was almost an honour. Of course, I wanted to rush off to Bible College, become a missionary... but going straight from school didn't seem a good idea, so I thought I'd train for a profession and get some 'life experience' first. I managed to choose a course (there was nothing I desperately wanted to do) without too much trouble, but for some reason I had it in my head that which Uni I went to was a be-all-and-end-all decision. I was offered a place at two Universities in the same course, and spend many sleepless hours deliberating which one would better help me to fulfil my purpose in life.
Eventually, I made my decision, packed my bags and headed off to live in the big city for the first time in my life. I was living in a church-owned student accommodation setup comprising of a series of terrace houses in a row. Each housed approximately 8 students, either male or female. It was exciting to be in a new, interesting place with new, interesting people all around. There was always something happening, someone to hang out with, something to do. In fact, it took real discipline to actually sit down and study when life was happening all around.

Post Sat Oct 31, 2009 1:46 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
Eilidh
Moderators


Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880


*sits down to listen while wondering what sort of "life experience" those dorms might contain* Wink

Keep writing ... I feel privileged to read your story.

~Eilidh

Post Sun Nov 01, 2009 2:45 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Thanks Eilidh. I appreciate your comment.

So...I was young, excited and ready to take on the world. How's that for a cliche?
I had this idea of the 'perfect Christian' I wanted to be - probably from going to too many Bible Studies and hearing too many sermons! I think I was very impressionable, and the person I wanted to be was the picture of the ideal Christian woman from proverbs. There were definate expectations of what young Christians were to be like in the church community, are there were plenty of role models to show us what it looked like in action. It was common for the people around me to be married in their early twenties, usually spend a few years in the workforce (after graduating from Uni) and then start a family. Bring in the next generation of believers, and all that. It was an evangelical church, so I guess they had two ways of growing the church: convert 'em and breed 'em. (Sorry if that is a bit crass). There was a big emphasis on 'missions': going out and making disciples, spreading the word, saving the lost, yadayadayada. I was taught that that was what Christians did out of love for their fellow man, to save them from eternal punishment. Who knows, maybe I am asking for a one way ticket to you-know-where just by saying this! Anyway, I've gotten off track....

I have never been as strong as I wanted to be in my personal Christian life, I always found it difficult to perservere in private study and prayer. I had no problem when it came to the outward expression: I loved being around people, it energised me. But I guess I was worried that - on my own - I would never be able to become the person I wanted to be. And like everyone else, I craved companionship, the idea of being special to someone. I dreamed of marrying a 'perfect' Christian man: strong in faith and committment, a natural leader, gentle, dedicated, looked up to by others. I wanted this non-existent man to be for me what I could never be for myself, a spiritual guide and mentor, a motivator, someone to keep me on track and stop me from falling. I was attracted, usually from afar, to men who resembled this image.
I also had a strong admiration for several of the women in my little community because of the kind of people they were, but I never thought of them as anything other than friends. It was unthinkable to, anyway.

Post Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:35 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Sits and listens quietly. Muses that we are all on a journey, at any given time in our lives, so why is it that often we can only see the route we have taken when looking back, long after our feet have travelled those roads.



HugZ, MG
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!


Last edited by MysteryGirl on Tue Nov 03, 2009 8:10 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Sun Nov 01, 2009 11:37 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger  Reply with quote  
storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


Woah! This is getting good! Keep going, keep going! Very Happy

Post Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:43 am 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


quote:
Originally posted by storybellz:
Woah! This is getting good! Keep going, keep going! Very Happy


lol thanks Storybellz, I'm glad you approve Smile

It's funny but instead of getting easier, its actually getting harder to write. Maybe because I'm slowly but surely approaching the present. So please excuse anything that doesn't make sense. That's if anything actually does make sense, of course. I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to write, but I can't sleep and I have to do something. I would probably still be out riding in the moonlight if I hadn't decided to give my pony a drink from the dam, and if she hadn't decided that it would be more fun to lay down in the dam and dump me in the muddy water instead. So instead of staying out to enjoy the beautiful bright, cool night I sloshed home in my waterlogged boots, got changed and sat in front of the computer. So here I am...

Where was I...that's right, 1st year of Uni.
In my little terrace house I shared a room with a vet student. A very small room, I might add. My 'domain' consisted of a bed on stilts about as high as my head off the ground with a desk underneath (my cave, as I called it), and a small wardrobe at the end of the bed. I liked it. It was mine. Sharing a room took some getting used to, but as my room-mate didn't snore and was a nice person there were no real problems. I took the bus each day to Uni, attended lectures and tutorials, went to lunchtime meetings of the rather large Christian group on campus, Church, Bible studies at home, sat in cafes drinking coffee, went for chocolate runs to the supermarket at midnight and met so many new people it felt as if my little world had exploded into a new and wonderful world I never knew existed.
I had a few crushes, went on a few 'dates' (if you can call them that!), never with the ones I had the crushes on of course. It was for me the same old thing, I liked the feeling of being wanted and attractive, so even if I was not interested I still found it hard to draw appropriate barriers in many cases. I think I may have led a couple of nice boys along unnecessarily because of this. And, embarassing as it is now, I accepted one date not because I liked the boy, but because I liked the band he invited me to see. Oops.

As that year came to a close and the next one started, my depression/ anxiety kicked into full gear and I went through a major personal crisis.

Post Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:08 pm 
 View user's profile Send private message  Reply with quote  
  Display posts from previous:      
Post new topic Reply to topic

Jump to:  
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

Last Thread | Next Thread  >

Forum Rules:
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum

 


Search For Posters!


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

In Association with Amazon.com
     
Terms & Conditions Privacy Statement Acknowledgements