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General Forum Index -> Coming Out....

My Story (sorry the long version)
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Very Happy @ visual of WW stomping home soaked to the skin and muddy. Bad pony lol.

Yes, it's hard to write this hon, if it were easy you most likely wouldn't need to do it, just remember we are all here holding your hand.




HugZ, MG
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:04 pm 
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storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


quote:
Originally posted by MysteryGirl:
...just remember we are all here holding your hand.


MG, you say the sweetest things! And, it's true!

Ahem....gazing at the computer-screen now, imagining it as a book, in my mind, envisioning the turning of the page...and as i envision the page turning, i can see the words' events unfolding in my mind's eye...yes, dear story-teller, i think that in a way, with each new post you share, it's like a new memory for me too. Yes, i think that as i read it, i am living, for those moments at least---vicariously through you.

So, take my hand---or our hands Wink ---as we hold yours, and lets journey to the next great adventure (or *post*)!

Post Wed Nov 04, 2009 6:43 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


MysteryGirl, Storybellz, Eilidh, you are such beautiful people. I couldn't think of better hands to hold and journey along with.

I feel so...once I would have said blessed, but now I'll make do with lucky, so have met you all. And so many other wonderful ladies. Go Mels. Smile

Post Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:47 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


I can't remember why, but I decided that the course I was studying wasn't what I really wanted to do. It wasn't as if it was ever something I was desperate to do. I enjoyed the subjects I was studying but it was the thought of the actual career it was leading to that had me panicking. I didn't really know what I wanted to do and the pressure of having to know, to decide on my life-long career was too much for me. So I went into mental meltdown mode, not knowing what to do, and pulled out, re-enrolled, deferred, changed courses, changed back and finally pulled out again, amongst several panic attacks and a lot of sleepless nights.

I got a job at a local supermarket, went into moderate depression mode and plodded through each day. In contrast to the previous year I became much more introverted and spent a lot more time on my own, thinking, contemplating or just existing. I also spent a fair bit of time writing, something I generally only do when I am depressed, confused, and trying to sort out my thoughts. There were quite a few times that year that I teetered on the brink of wanting to live or die, and cried myself to sleep praying that I would not wake up. But I got through it I guess, and as I tried to get involved in more things I found the fog gradually lifting. It was a surprise to me when in the second half of the year one of my housemates said to me, 'this is the first time I've seem yuo smile'.

I got involved in a local 'mission' program working with local kids once a week. Having something positive to focus on really helped and I enjoyed working with the kids. One of the male leaders was a very vibrant, full-on go-for-God kind of person who was lots of fun to have around, and slightly wacky in a nice kind of way. He played in a band and trained in martial arts and loved teaching kids about God. He was no-half-measures kind of person, the kind of person people either love or hate. Well he decided that he liked me, and I was so flattered and taken by surprise (I also had laryngitis at the time, hmmmm) that I ended us as his girlfriend.

Post Wed Nov 04, 2009 2:35 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


takes notes............Laryngytis is a very DANGEROUS condition.......it gives you boyfriends LMAO. Sorry, WW, couldn't resist that one.



HugZ, MG
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:19 am 
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storybellz



Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 241
Location: U.S.A


quote:
Originally posted by WonderWhy:
.....(I also had laryngitis at the time, hmmmm) that I ended up as his girlfriend.


Some men just can't resist a quit woman! Laughing

Post Thu Nov 05, 2009 3:46 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


quote:
Originally posted by storybellz:


Some men just can't resist a quit woman! Laughing


LOl quit or quiet, Storybellz? He probably thought it was cute: aww a girl who doesn't talk her head off.... I guess he got over that misconception soon enough.

Yes MG, I got over the laryngitis in about a week but the side effects lasted about two years. Smile

Post Thu Nov 05, 2009 2:27 pm 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


I don't even know if I should bother continuing...it seems so unimportant right now. But I need something to do and I don't think I can get my mind around study right now...so I'll try.

I became engulfed into 'his' world, surrounded by his friends who were all so lovely to me, became almost a fixture in his family...he encouraged me to train with him, which I did on occasion and enjoyed immensely. I love the way it made me feel: sweat, muscles, pushing my physical limits... but there was no way I would ever be able to it without someone motivating me, egging me on...otherwise I'd just give up. I loved the music too, listening to him play the piano (a self-taught natural who could play anything by ear...bastard!) and I occasionally sang with the band (I love singing). He wrote poetry, often for me, always funny but sometimes with a serious note... He was the kind of person who didn't bat an eyelid at riding his bike 15km at midnight to see me just because I was feeling down.
He was charming, interesting, exciting, funny, often embarrassing in public...and I was just swept up into his world.
The relationship lasted about 2 years. He made it clear that he intended to marry me, but didn't want to 'pop the question' until he could be sure of an affirmative response. I liked him, I enjoyed being with him, I liked his friends and his world, but I kept putting him off, saying I wasn't ready.
He was a very 'physical' person... we were both determined to keep at least some restraint becasue of our beliefs... but that didn't mean that lines were not drawn, crossed, re-drawn and crossed again. I struggled with doubts about the relationship, but it seemed absolutely idiotic to end it, especially when everything was going so well and all my friends and family thought he was so great.
The doubts became stronger though, and I gradually realised that my thoughts were increasingly straying from him, especially in the more intimate moments...It came as a surprise and complete shock to me when I realised where exactly my thoughts had been straying. Because, when he kissed me, when his lips touched mine, it wasn't his lips I was thinking of, wanting to explore and caress, it was...hers.

Hers? A friend? A female friend at that....what on earth was I thinking? But however hard I tried not to, however hard I tried to think of the man I was with instead of the woman I wasn't with....my brain had it's own agenda.
I knew I wasn't being fair to him. He deserved my whole attention, my whole devotion. Not someone who was half here and half somewhere else. I didn't break up with him straight away though. I told him I needed some time apart, a break I guess. He didn't like it but he accepted it all the same.
Quite soon after that I went off to a week-long camp with the Christian group from Uni. A perfect opportunity, I thought, to clear my mind and sort out my thoughts. He wouldn't be there, she wouldn't be there...ideal.
I was having a great time, enjoying NOT thinking about any of that, when he walked in with a bunch of flowers. Now, this camp site was a good two hours from where he lived, so it wasn't exactly down the road or anything. I was furious. This WASN'T my idea of giving me space. In my mind, he was broaching it. In HIS mind, apparently, he was apologising fro something stupid one of his friends had done to me before I had left. I didn't care. Whatever the reason, he was there, in my space, where I had specifically asked him not to be.
After that, it was pretty much over. I was upset about ending the relationship - you get used to someone after 2 years - but I think I knew it was the right thing to do. I knew I wasn't going to marry him, my head was full of someone else.... I was a little offended though at how soon he moved on. How soon he picked up with a 17year old member of the youth group he LED. (Mind you, she was waiting in the wings). How soon it seemed that he was phoning me to um and ah and stutter until I asked outright 'Is she pregnant?' Affirmative. So I was too cheesed to go to the wedding, but it certainly occurred to me to be glad it was her and not me. They are happy. They have a lovely little family and I am really glad for them. I think that, at least, worked out best for everyone.

Post Tue Nov 10, 2009 1:20 am 
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jessm13



Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Posts: 7
Location: Orlando


I know I haven't been here to encourage you from the beginning of your journey, but I am now. I remember that heartbreaking "I'm dating an awesome guy but I'm love with my friend....who's a girl?" moment. I've been there and it's still hurting. To read someone write out their story as sincerely and eloquently as you is an immense privilege on this end. Thanks for making me feel a little less lonely. Hopefully I can do the same for you and be here to cheer you on. Much love <3
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Don't be afraid of the dark because it's the darkest shadows that come from the brightest lights.

Smile

Post Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:47 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Thank you so much jess. It is so important to know that others are and have been in the same place. It's also nice when someone comments Smile I can see that people have been reading this but I hate not knowing what they think. So I appreciate that you took the time to tell me.

Post Tue Nov 10, 2009 4:30 am 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


WW, dont ever feel cause people read and dont comment that they dont care, sometimes we just dont have the words needed at the time.

Keep writing it out, we often cannot see our own journey as clearly when its all in out heads.



HugZ, MG
_________________
Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:33 am 
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jessm13



Joined: 14 Oct 2009
Posts: 7
Location: Orlando


Wise words from MG Very Happy

Don't sweat it. Keep on trekking girl, we're all here for you no matter the story's outcome. Arrow
_________________
Don't be afraid of the dark because it's the darkest shadows that come from the brightest lights.

Smile

Post Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:48 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


Yeah thanks MG, I know that. I guess I just like to have some dialogue, that's all. But I'm not worried, it's all good.

Post Tue Nov 10, 2009 10:43 am 
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WonderWhy



Joined: 25 Jun 2009
Posts: 244


I was in love in a way I had never been before. Sure, I'd had crushes on boys, I'd idolized some of them and fantacized about the kind of couple we could make, but never before had I felt so out of control of my own emotions. My head felt different. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't even think straight! I went around in a dream; all I could think about was her. All I wanted was her. I would have done anything in the world for her. I couldn't take my eyes off her. She had no idea.
I remember one evening sitting in her lounge-room with her and some other friends, watching a movie. I sat on the floor leaning against her armchair and she (innocently of course) draw pictures across my back while we watched. If someone had asked me what the movie was about afterwards I would not have been able to tell them. I was mesmerized by her touch. I melted. It was all I could do to keep from touching her, stroking her, brushing my lips across her soft skin. There had been times, with the boys I was close to that I had enjoyed their touch, when it felt nice, pleasant to be touched or stroked, but being touched by her felt like magic. It was like a drug; it turned my mind to mush and threatened to take control of my body. I was completely overwhelmed, I didn't know what to think, what to do. It wasn't just her touch, it was everything about her. Her voice sent tingles of pleasure down my spine. I was mesmerized by her face. Being near her made me feel unbelievably content - yet filled me with a deep longing to be closer to her, to be part of her world in a way that no-one else was or ever would be.
I knew, of course, that what I was thinking, what I was wanting so badly was out of the question. I knew it was wrong – but it felt so right! However, I hadn’t been an active, enthusiastic member of the church for so many years to learn nothing. I ‘knew’ what was right and wrong. I ‘knew’, because I had been taught, that God created woman for man and vice versa, that God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve (or whatever the female equivalent was!), that homosexuality was a sin, no better or worse than stealing or adultery or murder…

Post Wed Nov 11, 2009 4:04 pm 
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Moonshine



Joined: 16 Jan 2008
Posts: 470


Its "Madam & Eve"...

Keep writing hunny, its fascinating stuff, very self-analytical, I love all things analytical.

Smiles

Moon xx
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For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. --Leonardo da Vinci--

Post Wed Nov 11, 2009 8:44 pm 
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