Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
The Last of the Firsts
Perhaps I should have blocked this week out on my calendar
With red squares and a fancy title
“the beginning of the end……….the last of the firsts”
They tell me, the ubiquitous ‘they’
That after the first go round it doesn’t hurt quite as much
Well, comparably, anyway, they say
Comparable to what, I’ve idly wondered
If the firsts feel like having every inch of your skin
Flayed with a rattan cane and then the wounds rubbed
With a mixture of lemon juice and salt to harden the scars
Will the seconds feel somewhat like going ten rounds
With a heavyweight prize fighter, when you’re a lightweight
Out classed, out sized, out ranked?
I can vaguely see how the eventual numbness to the relentless pounding blows
Might appear to be preferable in the end.
The first of the firsts kind of slipped by
Under the anaesthetic of terrified denial and irrational hope
My birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year
Semi celebrated and supported by the opiates of email and IM
Though I’m hazy as to whether Valentine’s made it into that group
Were we still ‘us’ on the 14th of February?
Not that it would have mattered cause by that juncture
Any expressions of love or longing had been deemed
To just add to the pain of separation and were therefore better unspoken
How did taking away the very foundation of our relationship
Lessen the anguish, bring us closer, subdue the terror?
Like the outcry of a long exasperated parent
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”
As a child I never understood that one either
Stop saying ‘I love you” so loving you won’t hurt so much?
There’s most likely a chart that calibrates the pain reaction
That the newly single experiences in relation to firsts
First anniversary is no doubt supposed to be the biggie
The tsunami of emotions that sweeps all the others into the detritus pile
For the life of me I can’t get a memory handle on the pain score evoked there
March came and March went and still denial steadily leaked it’s novacaine
April must have been in there somewhere too, if it still antecedes May
Now that one I remember as a blindside of monumental proportions
Your birthday hit me like a Hummer, doing 65 MPH and accelerating
What red light? The neatest of entry and exit wounds
Left a clean line of sight thru my heart and Hell Yeah, I felt that one!
But again ‘they’ told me the wound if not exactly healing like new
Would eventually fill with scar tissue and be functional again
Conveniently forgetting to mention that every blood pulsed beat thereafter
Has to force it’s way through the constricted, contracted adhesions
July 4th! A date auspicious to the Born in the USA, red white and blue crowd
Not easy to escape even in the furthest reaches of my southern antipodes
The last time it appeared on my calendar evoked my best work,
Independence Day! I was proud of that poem and proud of the woman
Who then dared criticize her own “home of the brave, land of the free’ Government
But still flew the flag, ate the hotdogs, and chugged a beer in our local park
Along with all the other patriotism fuelled rednecks and cowboys
As the skies split open and rainbows drifted smokily down upon our heads
We spoke of years to come, traditions begun, memories to make
Back when firsts were still a source of wonderment and joy
Later that night, on the sun dried cotton of our bed haven
She lit the fuse that launched me higher than any man made rocket
Then held me when I exploded in a rain of shining silver stars
Surely I would have been destroyed in the ensuing fall
Without the blind faith that she would always be there to catch me
And now, by some sleight of hand card trick, the month of August appears
360 days have slipped like mercury particles thru myfingers and I couldn’t hold them
Anymore that I could hold back time those last 5 days of limbo
We retreated, each into her own private hell, and passed thru each other
Like the ghosts that haunt ancestral castles in Scotland
Only this was just a house, our home, painted with liquid pride
Decorated with photos of our life, our times, our love
I packed suitcases whilst you smoked on the patio and pretended not to see
The elephant towering over us both in the corner of the room
There was no comfort in lovemaking, at night we lay like strangers in each other’s arms
My tears soaking the softness of your breasts, your eyes sightless on the ceiling
Till once again, the nameless ones, who frame the laws and still sleep at night
Took the body that bore my name, encased it in a silver coffin
And flew me away from your side, the only woman I will ever love
For the crime of not being able to tick the right box where the form asked ‘Sex’
So come the 22nd, I’ll pass beyond, the last of the firsts
And begin my endless pilgrimages, to the holy sites of the seconds, and the thirds and beyond
Perhaps when I reach the 100th anniversaries of all those firsts
I may be able to speak your name and not weep _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Last edited by MysteryGirl on Mon Aug 17, 2009 1:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
Mon Aug 17, 2009 12:37 pm
pharos
Joined: 21 Jun 2009
Posts: 583
Location: Australia
Noni... I barely got through this... Crying wouldn't let me... No other comment.
Pharos
Mon Aug 17, 2009 12:44 pm
MdmPrez
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
Noni
I see your broken heart here on this screen, this post. Your hurt is so palpable and I feel it ever so much.
And, yes, almost a p.s., this is a brilliant write.
I've clicked 'Reply' so many times and then closed this box. Your raw pain flows through your write, and minimises the 'they' that tell you it's going to get better... but Noni, at least I can promise you it won't get worse.
I have questioned which is the worse kind of loss - I know you know what I mean. I still don't know. Maybe we can check back in ten years or so, and reflect on that and other things.
But today, for now, I will be one of those that quietly holds your hand and waits as the storm passes overhead, without questioning its validity.
Hugs
A xx _________________
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. --Leonardo da Vinci--
Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:05 pm
melons Site Admin
Joined: 06 Feb 2004
Posts: 2371
((((((((((((((((Noni))))))))))))))))
I cried when I read this, feeling raw emotion overflowing from your words, written so eloquently. There are no words to offer in reply that could take away your hurt......but I can listen quietly and give you a shoulder to cry on whenever you need.
luv'n'hugs,
Mel x
Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:51 pm
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
{{{{{Noni}}}}},
I've never been through what you're going through, and yet, I don't need to -- it's all here, so raw and tender on the page.
Know that I will always listen, if you ever want to talk.
Holding you in my thoughts
~Eilidh
Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:59 pm
DamagedGoods
Joined: 13 May 2006
Posts: 550
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Noni}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Words aren't enough here, once again I don't have them. Perhaps if I could package the tears flowing unchecked down my face right now and include them in this reply you would understand how deeply this touched me. Your writing is unbelievably good, and how I wish I could ever reach that level. The way you weave words and thoughts takes my breath away. I know this isn't a feeling or a poem you will want close to you for long because the pain running through it is way too deep. But even through your pain this is a truly beautiful, if terribly sad, poem.
I'm not going to offer you empty platitudes or cliches... I will offer you an ear to hear you, arms and hands to hold you, and a shoulder to cry on if you need it. To read your pain so purely hurts us all, but only because I know I'm not the only one desperately wishing I held a miracle cure for you right now. Be gentle to yourself sweet one, and know there's many who hurt for you, and care with all we can.
Joined: 17 Sep 2006
Posts: 1025
Location: that tragic backwater, the gulf coast of florida
Noni Noni...
We should presume a trigger warning for each other, perhaps. It's gut-wrenching. Please love you gently through it. You are so treasured.
Love,
ae _________________ -
-
-
"...a soul that wakes up to find itself wandering, unwanted, between the spheres."
Tue Aug 18, 2009 2:15 pm
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
God, I am SO lucky to have such kind and empathetic friends. As always, my words are the equivalent of "emotional puking", they have to come out and then I feel somewhat better. This is such a tough week, thanks for being there in all your different ways, I wonder if you have any idea how it helps.
HugZ to you all, Noni _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Wed Aug 19, 2009 3:16 am
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
Ooohhh, Noni.
This is an awesome written description of the history of a life. A life of two together for a time. And now, I think you are mourning the death of that life. It seems just like when someone young and new is ripped away from us to soon. We are only left with the intensely bittersweet memories of the good times which are now tainted by the pain of the dreams of the future that will never be.
I cannot imagine your pain in this Noni, although your writing helps me to understand it more. Honestly, when you originally told me what you were doing before you left, I knew that if it was me in that position, I probably wouldn't have gone because I didn't think I could handle leaving again. I don't think I'm that strong. I am in awe of you for that.
I'm reminded of the old saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." All my life, I've gone back and forth with that saying. The pain of losing is so intense that I've never really decided whether I agree or not. I suppose only you can answer that one for you.
I am so sorry. So very very sorry for the unfairness of this world to bring you together just to pull you apart.
All I can do is hope that God holds you gently in his hands and brings you comfort in some way. I hope the same for her.
Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England
(((((((((Noni)))))))))
Just got here, this is so painful. It might feel like emotional puking but it read so much more beautifully than that.
You'll be in my thoughts all day on 22nd.
Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:08 pm
Kewl
Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Posts: 305
Noni,
Bravely eloquent. This touched me and left me wide open to the description in this piece. No, our stories are not exactly alike.. but they do share similarities.. and that small rarity of loving someone without reservation.
I'm still feeling the glass shards of a former existence .. one in which you were privvy to.
The gotdamn damnation of it all is how cliche it is for people to say ' oh just let it go'. How can anyone .. anyone who FEELS ... be so damn casual to thrust upon those of us who have felt with our fucking souls.. the depths of something .. of which we called, felt, entrusted, believed, allowed ( and that's the big one for me) , acknowledged, and lived within the confines of our hearts... the love of what guided us to each other in the first place? I'm not looking for an answer from anyone.
I felt every stroke of your fingertips as it hit the keys to type this piece out .. and it went to my core.
I will always believe that when you love someone you love them forever. Pain and anger may shield us from the comfort for a bit.. but for me it's the only way. Nature find's it's balance in the branches which we call life .. but it's only in the existence of brevity and love that we can ever trust in those branches to protect us from the filth in this world that sometimes veils itself in hatred . It's even friggin hard for me to believe this but I must.
I'm crying for you.. and for me. It's so painful to be seen as some villain, an outcaste .. designated by some who don't even know the gotdamn truth.. just bits and pieces of a story that will forever be owned by the ones who LIVED IT. It's even more painful to sit in the knowledge that someone would rather put up a deflection and make it impossible to have any communication .. because for them it's easier .
The unfolding of love may replicate our desires -- i fought it for a long time.. and then one day .. i just couldn't fight it anymore .
* cries*.. maybe I should have...
The pain inflicted is a fucking monster.
As the skies split open and rainbows drifted smokily down upon our heads
We spoke of years to come, traditions begun, memories to make
Back when firsts were still a source of wonderment and joy
Later that night, on the sun dried cotton of our bed haven
She lit the fuse that launched me higher than any man made rocket
Then held me when I exploded in a rain of shining silver stars
Surely I would have been destroyed in the ensuing fall
Without the blind faith that she would always be there to catch me
.. the firsts...
she was
the first to hold my face...
and now nothin..
not even a trace .
.. so before a funeral procession song ever plays.... just know that strengths are found through the grace of memories which haunt/taunt us in believing that at one time ... we knew what love was.
Noni, if it were possible .. i'd switch places with you and give you my spot here in the States .
this is jumbled and probably doesn't make a damn bit of sense so I should go .
Love you Noni --
~Pris _________________ ...~paving the way to freedom because not all roads are straight and narrow !~ Kewl
Fri Aug 21, 2009 6:36 am
DanceofSorrows
Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837
(((Noni)))
Just listening and hugs.
Dance~
Sun Aug 23, 2009 4:29 am
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
My beautiful friends, you rwords touch me deeply, thank you.
HugZ, Noni _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Sun Aug 23, 2009 11:17 am
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
I'm bumping this to the top again, for sefish reasons I guess, partly because one year on, it still says everything I think, feel and know about that time. But maybe just to answer my own question posed about what revisiting the anniversaries the second and subsequent times would be like.
In one way, nothing is as hard as the Firsts, I doubt anything could ever be. But yes, the pain is still there, and it's still brutal, it's just.........different....not less but thankfully, as Moonshine so aptly promised me, not worse. Transmuted perhaps?
And as to DP's comments about being unsure about the cliche "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", well I guess I'm still fence sitting on that one. Maybe I'll be able to let you all know in another year or so.
Not looking for replies here, just gotta go thru it.
HugZ, MG _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
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