Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong
Tali [F]
Tali
you pick her up
hold her on your lap
you caress her neck
run your hand
down her side
draw from her
a wonderful ride
a look comes
over your face
you are transported
to another time
or place
intensity
desire
longing
some times fear
for where she
takes you
may not be real
but that
doesn't stop you
you play
what you feel
you're along
for the ride
{take her
come what may
the bond will not
be broken}
your songs take
my heart
pull me in tight
make this
distance almost
none
through sound
timing and lyrics
you bind
me to you
tighter than
ever a rope could
no hope
for escape
none wanted
for sure
just take me
along for that
far distant shore
the music of
the night
speaks of
loves pure light
{that is
where we
shall be}
Some thing is not feeling right but not sure what yet... i will come back to it eventually.
Last edited by wishonastar on Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:08 pm; edited 4 times in total
Thu Sep 17, 2009 1:57 am
Arren
Joined: 16 Jul 2009
Posts: 26
Location: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Absolutely fantastic darlin'. You have an incredible style and natural meter that leaves me stunned. While i know you want to work on this more it is still beautiful in it's raw form.
Thu Sep 17, 2009 4:01 am
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
Star,
I can honeslty say this is my fav poem of yours I've ever read. Its beautiful.
Cuz you have an (F) I'm assuming you want feedback, but the only thing I have is a mis-spell...
you
r
are transported
(just take the r out )
Other than that, I would leave it just as it is.
Beautiful work chickie!!
HELLA HUGS,
Xalia _________________ Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~
Thu Sep 17, 2009 7:21 pm
wishonastar
Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong
quote:Originally posted by Xalia1:
Star,
I can honeslty say this is my fav poem of yours I've ever read. Its beautiful.
Cuz you have an (F) I'm assuming you want feedback, but the only thing I have is a mis-spell...
you
r
are transported
(just take the r out )
Other than that, I would leave it just as it is.
Beautiful work chickie!!
HELLA HUGS,
Xalia
Thanks X
i read that time and again and didnt catch it!
means a ton to me that this is your favorite.
and i am sure it will mean a ton to the person that its about
Hella Hugs back at ya
Star
Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:50 pm
wishonastar
Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong
What if i remove the stuff between the {} does it sound better?
Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:09 pm
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
I like those lines...lol _________________ Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~
Mon Sep 21, 2009 8:28 pm
wishonastar
Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong
i like them they just dont seem to fit here
Tue Sep 22, 2009 2:31 am
Moonshine
Joined: 16 Jan 2008
Posts: 470
Yes they do! But how about using italics instead of brackets? That might produce the undertone element I think you might be after?
Smiles lovely write though
Moon _________________
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return. --Leonardo da Vinci--
Tue Sep 22, 2009 3:06 pm
wishonastar
Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong
Tali
you pick her up
hold her on your lap
you caress her neck
run your hand
down her side
draw from her
a wonderful ride
a look comes
over your face
you are transported
to another time
or place
intensity
desire
longing
some times fear
for where she
takes you
may not be real
but that
doesn't stop you
you play
what you feel
you're along
for the ride
take her
along in glory
your bond will not
be broken
your songs take
my heart
pull me in tight
make this
distance almost
none
through sound
timing and lyrics
you bind
me to you
tighter than
ever a rope could
no hope
for escape
none wanted
for sure
just take me
along for that
far distant shore
the music of
the night
speaks of
loves pure light
that is
where we
will be
how about now??
Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:05 am
MdmPrez
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
star
This is really a sweet piece. Well Done!!!
Cat
Thu Sep 24, 2009 1:24 pm
wishonastar
Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong
)))))))))))))))))Cat(((((((((((((((((((((
ty
what can i say i have been inspired lately
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