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Poetry Forum Index -> Emotional Poetry

passing poems (f)

LifeVita6
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ae



Joined: 17 Sep 2006
Posts: 1025
Location: that tragic backwater, the gulf coast of florida
passing poems (f)

It's a recurrent theme with ae... I was thinking about how some women I know are so awkward, uncomfortable with their queer selves, with being gay, that they cannot simply BE at all, leaving them to nothing but trying to match, replicate, rhyme the straight women around us. There's a terror at the heart of the conformity, a desire to please, to be correct, but the lovelessness still kills me, the awkward cramming, clothes, posture, demeanor. 'Am I doing it right? How 'bout now? Can you tell?... " It's just wrong. And so sad.
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Stop trying to fit
Cramming your words into ill-fitting clothes
Jamming into rhyme what yearns to be free
And submits only awkwardly

Stop rhyming
Who said you must?

Stop trying to fit
The loathsome designs constricting
Seams rubbing rawly until bleed-out
Soul forced into dry, sweet pinks

Stop rhyming
Who said you must?

Stop trying to fit
Shoes you hate, earrings all wrong
Breaking your bones to accommodate
Self-loathing in drag

Stop rhyming
Who said you must?

Stop conforming
Counting syllables, cosmetics counter,
Broke-back poseur, pressed-powder poet,
Apologetic lip-gloss sing-song

Stop rhyming
Who said you must?

Stop trying to fit
Your own form is worthy of nakedness
Dare assonance, dare authenticity
Trust true, stop rhyming
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"...a soul that wakes up to find itself wandering, unwanted, between the spheres."

Post Fri Nov 24, 2006 5:40 pm 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


ae...i think this is a great poem...and i really like the message!!!!!!! Very Happy

Post Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:21 pm 
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ae



Joined: 17 Sep 2006
Posts: 1025
Location: that tragic backwater, the gulf coast of florida


I loved the idea of the rhyming metaphor, because I really do encourage people to break free of that artificial constraint of form (or else to commit it with deliberation), but it was supposed to be a METAPHOR, and I think it's just taken over the poem. I posted it on a criticism site and people went mad over the poetry side of it, and only one person really recognized the commentary on women self-censoring.

Maybe it's too oblique. And I was so delighted with the idea. Maybe not the execution, but the idea...

Tnx for the comment, pale!
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"...a soul that wakes up to find itself wandering, unwanted, between the spheres."

Post Sat Nov 25, 2006 9:07 pm 
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combatbaby



Joined: 11 Nov 2006
Posts: 376
Location: Ontario


terrific write ae, the message is very powerful. And I agree with you, it's a really sad thing to see someone deny who they really are. Thanks for the great write. Exclamation
_________________
>>"Someone else's pathetic fallacy just rained on my day." - me<<

Post Sat Nov 25, 2006 9:33 pm 
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rachelle



Joined: 20 Oct 2006
Posts: 391
Location: california


AE, as ususual you have outdone yourself w/ this one---Truly being yourself in all aspects of your life is empowering and inspiring--You can only do that if you love living in your own skin--This is a terrific write---NOW My friend, I must admit I read this twice, due to the rhyming comment and realized the poem has little to do with how one writes a poem and more about not conforming to societal expectations just to "pass".---This is a great poem---and just maybe I'll actually write a non-rhymning little ditty just for you-NOT--lol-rachelle

Post Sun Nov 26, 2006 3:24 am 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


ae,
Since I'm in the midst of battling my tendencies to write in rhyme and spread my free verse wings a bit, I definitely indentified with the poetic metaphor while appreciating the commentary. I was caught off guard at first by the line "Stop conforming" since it broke with your form, but as I reread this piece I really appreciated the intentionality of this line, I am curious though why you shift away from the metaphor in lines 13-16...

I loved "self-loathing in drag"! I also had to reread
"Stop conforming
Counting syllables, cosmetics counter,
Broke-back poseur, pressed-powder poet,
Apologetic lip-gloss sing-song"

many times over. It just sounds to good to let go of. Wonderfully crafted piece. Thanks,
Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Sun Nov 26, 2006 8:20 am 
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ae



Joined: 17 Sep 2006
Posts: 1025
Location: that tragic backwater, the gulf coast of florida


Thanks, ((((all!))) I feel READ!

I should just be clear that I LOVE rhyme, meter, structure, all the disciplines of poetry, but like anything, I think they should be done well, thoughtfully, deliberately, not left with awkward earrings on because of some automaticity where the writer just hasn't tried more comfortable poetic clothing, as it were. Rhyme done well is HARD WORK, but can be great fun, just as with any of the formal styles and forms. Anyone who hasn't read EG's thread on styles is MISSING OUT. I LOVE that stuff. It makes better writers, better thinkers, and when someone is willing to commit the effort, it very often makes better poetry. I haven't done this kind of demanding writing in 15 years, but I'm working on a villanelle right now and two sonnets. But it is much more effort, something akin to working a puzzle, to get what I want to say to fit comfortably into THOSE clothes. When you can succeed, you've got a poem in a Donna Karan suit, gorgeous.
http://www.melswebs.com/poetryboards/viewforum.php?f=24

But for the sort of writing most of us are doing here, a kind of creative self-expression, the WORK of poetry is not what we came for. We came for the joy, the release, the camaraderie, etc. And for those purposes, I advocate what brings the most PAYOFF. That might be letting your poem run naked, and it might be dressing it carefully in tailored garb.

Hence, THIS poem, which is no formal style, is deliberately structured, sort of to subtley say "I'm not advocating anarchy here." I don't think people ought to go around being flagrantly OUT just to prove a point, any more than I think they should feel obligated to pass. I just think the automaticity of any of it is ill-advised and misguided and limiting.

Responsive to your inquiry, Sun, I meant to start gently and build, hence the first stanza speaks within the metaphor, the second swings both ways, if you will, and the third is clearly about fashion conformity (the line about breaking bones arose out of the old Chinese custom of foot-binding). The fourth is where the pattern changes, just as it is demanding a departure from conformity, and it IS about the intentionality, and it's sort of the "j'accuse!" of the piece, while those lines are themselves almost chewy and sing-song, without rhyming.

And then it goes back to conforming, as we all must SOMETIMES, retreating gently and, I hoped, with a little love and encouragement.

---
That's too much said, but realizing some people may have felt beat on by this piece, with respect to their own writing, and that is SO not my intention that I thought I better explain.

((((melsbians))))
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"...a soul that wakes up to find itself wandering, unwanted, between the spheres."

Post Mon Nov 27, 2006 5:30 am 
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Sunny



Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 1571
Location: Massachusetts


ae,
Thanks for the explanation as to the intentionality of the third stanza. I truly enjoy reading your poems and feel as if I learn from each one that you post. The intentionality of this poem is part of the lure. Any time I can better understand how a poem like this one is crafted I feel as if I've gained another pearl that might help me to improve as a writer.

Also, please know, that, while I do write a lot of pieces in rhyming verse, I didn't take any personal offense to your metaphors. I hope I didn't imply otherwise in my previous note. I loved this piece and your request for feedback imspired me to look deeper, read closer and learn more I hope. I look forward to your sonnets and villanelle. Thanks!
Sunny Cool
_________________
All poems posted by Sunny: ©2006 - 2007 Sunny (UN: Sunny at melswebs.com). All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reproduction is strictly prohibited. In other words, if you want to copy it, you need to get Sunny’s permission first.

Post Mon Nov 27, 2006 6:20 am 
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