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Poetry Forum Index -> Haiku

My little niche in the 'verse
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LifeVita6
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~Wil~



Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
My little niche in the 'verse

I wrote this following the 5,7,5 syllable guidelines of Haiku, but expanded it into multiple stanzas. I don't write much, nor do I generally use this form of poetry. I just wanted to see how it would come out ....



Injustice

Does anyone hear?
In the cold and dark night sky,
A victim cries out.

Does anyone see?
The victim, bruised and broken,
Weeping in her hands.

Does anyone care?
Every day is a struggle,
To reclaim her life

Victims united.
Our voices join together,
Demanding justice.
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Lost in the shuffle


Last edited by ~Wil~ on Sun Jan 14, 2007 1:31 am; edited 1 time in total

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:27 pm 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny


wil,

I think it came out very well...

It angers me that the assailant seems to have more rights than the victim even after they have been proven guilty...where is the justice in this world when it appears the victim is the one on trial?

Wonderful write

Eiregirl Arrow
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All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:25 pm 
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~Wil~



Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203


Thank you for your comments Eire.

Post Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:00 pm 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


yep...haiku supposed to be one verse but I've also tried this multiple verse thang...it is actually quite nice to use it that way, isn't it wil?

very effective in this case I thought Very Happy

Post Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:13 am 
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~Wil~



Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203


Pale -
Yes, it is fun to expand into multiple verses using Haiku. I would love to read yours as well. Do you have any posted here at Mel's?

Post Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:15 am 
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desert-fish



Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted


quote:
Originally posted by ~Wil~:
Pale -
Yes, it is fun to expand into multiple verses using Haiku. I would love to read yours as well. Do you have any posted here at Mel's?


Aaaaw it's somewhere lost in the haiku sectionWil....couldn't say where! Very Happy

Post Sun Nov 12, 2006 9:36 am 
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wyldhart



Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Posts: 1216


...in truth lies perfection...this was perfect, from beginning to end...and I hate to be the one to say that i'm sorry it sat for a month with no comments...it's a beauty...thank you for sharing..it touched me..

warm tender hugs
wyld

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Post Thu Dec 14, 2006 2:59 am 
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~Wil~



Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203


Wyld... I'm glad that you liked it. Thank you for letting me know your thoughts on my poem. I appreciate the kind words.

~Wil~ Exclamation
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Post Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:18 am 
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~Wil~



Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
Re: My little niche in the 'verse

I had a friend critique this poem for me a few days ago. So, instituting her suggestions, I have changed up the haiku a bit and thought I would post it anew for your opinions.

Thanking you in advance,
~Wil~ Exclamation


Injustice
*Revised

Does anyone hear?
In the cold and dark night sky,
A victim cries out.

Does anyone see?
Her body bruised and broken,
The victim, she weeps.

Does anyone care?
Every day's a struggle yet,
The victim gets through.

Do you see her now?
United with survivors,
A victim no more.
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Post Sun Mar 18, 2007 7:58 am 
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chordphrute



Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 1412
Location: Nouvelle Orléans, Louisiane


..i think it's wonderful.
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Post Mon Mar 19, 2007 4:46 am 
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wishonastar



Joined: 23 Jan 2007
Posts: 967
Location: Where I belong


both versions are wonderful.
Very creative of you Wil
Arrow
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So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

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Post Mon Mar 19, 2007 12:16 pm 
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Mairi bheag



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland


(((((((((((((Wilma))))))))))))))

A fine piece of work.

Mb
xx

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Post Tue Mar 20, 2007 5:30 am 
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~Wil~



Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
(((((((((((((((Hugs you all)))))))))))))))))

Thanks for your comments.

Ms. M - thank you for your suggestions.

Arrow ~W~
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Post Tue Mar 20, 2007 7:25 am 
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Angel1
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Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 1518
Location: U.K


Hi Wil
Both versions are so beautifully penned*Applauds*. Very Happy



With my love and respect
Angel x Exclamation
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Post Thu Apr 12, 2007 10:56 am 
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dRED



Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 401


Wil,

That's a really neat poem Smile Both versions are good but the second one stands out to me more. Thank you for sharing it with us, look forward to read more from you.

Hugs

Post Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:49 pm 
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