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mishsana



Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28
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Last edited by mishsana on Wed Nov 22, 2006 4:55 am; edited 4 times in total

Post Wed Nov 01, 2006 1:19 am 
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Cavewoman



Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby


I sit confused in my bedroom. The voices in my head scream at me “ your got no friends they only hang with your course they feel sorry for you your a loser you don‘t deserve to be alive ”. It’s because of these voices I no longer see my friend or leave home for fear of being judged. My food gets delivered to my door and I pick it up after dark and my neighbour Kym slides my mail under my door. I pay all my bills online. But now I’ve gone to far I didn’t mean to hurt her they told me too. “ What will I do? Should I hide the body? Or confess ” but the voices their no help they just keep chanting
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The voices in my head scream, "You've got no friends. They only hang with you because they feel sorry for you. You're a loser. You don't deserve to be alive." ....................... But, now I've gone too far. I didn't mean to hurt her. They told me to. 'What should I do? Hide the body? Confess?' The voices are no help, they just keep chanting.

You need to edit, proofread grammar and spelling.
....
Now ! back to my reading....
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Once clean I took the body to our favourite spot a quite little cliff over looking the sea we often came here and laid on the grass and have our deep and meaningful. It was here I was going to propose to her when the time was right Throwing her over the cliff I watched her body fall and hit the rocks before being swept away in the tides it was all done like the voices had instructed me too. That night while I lay wake she appeared to me dripping wet and shivering. The slashes on her body were so deep. She didn’t say a word just starred at me with the saddest look on her face. My heart sunk and the tears again began to flow getting myself to a sitting position I held out my hand to her but she didn’t move. she just stared at me tears roll down her pale cheeks. I could see right though her body “ I’m sorry

There's a paragraph that begins as above... dear.... that paragraph contains stories within itself and needs to be broken into smaller sections... you have taken a giant chunk of thought and crammed it into one very long "paragraph".... it needs to be broken into smaller paragraphs... you need to break long sentences into shorter more readable sentences. You again need to clean up to vs. too, your vs. you're, there vs. their... i'm not trying to harp or scold, i'm telling you how to make this easier to read....
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back to the story !
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ok, i managed to read that whole long paragraph, breaking it into short stories (paragraphs) and then reassociating the whole thing to be a long list of experiences to the writer....

but see... in that very long paragraph... IS the story.... but the way you have NOT broken the story down into something readable is what stops me from freely following your thought... which then absolutely destroys any coherence of thought for me...

So!... yes, you have much work to do... the basic story idea itself i think is in there... you begin with a setting, lead me into a state of existence, then explore history/memory.... (TOO Long paragraph)....

when you do suddenly pop into NOW.... because of the too long paragraph, i must struggle to return to the events/thoughts of Lea, Tori, Kea, Lealyn Rose and then finally realize its all a note to Angel... well, I'm lost again...

you MUST break down that large paragraph ... you MUST break sentences. the reader does not have a chance to catch a breath let alone follow your thinking.....

basically, its all in there... its just really hard to follow

chin up! Its ALL good... keep working.
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" The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews

Post Wed Nov 01, 2006 1:41 am 
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Eiregirl



Joined: 21 Jul 2005
Posts: 10230
Location: Chasing a pink bunny
Re: deleted and will be no more

quote:
Originally posted by mishsana:
delete

there will be no more stories from me


Hmmm

Why not?

Hugs,
Eiregirl Arrow
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All poems and stories posted by Eiregirl are Copyright 2005 - 2008 Aoibhegréine These literary works are my property under copyright. If you wish to use my work for any purpose please ASK FIRST.

Post Mon Nov 13, 2006 6:23 am 
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mishsana



Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28
hi

course i can't write. don't know why i ever posted it

mish

Post Mon Nov 13, 2006 12:18 pm 
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Allison



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Posts: 4216
Location: Florida


mish.....yes you can write and with everything else, practice makes better, Do not be discouraged. Start small and build up as your skills grow. The ladies here can be quite helpful if you are willing to take their advice and learn to improve. I certainly hope you will continue to try.

Alli
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Alli

Post Mon Nov 13, 2006 12:47 pm 
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