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Adam and Eve
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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands


Hey Noni,

thank you for your ever encouraging words! And for your help in keeping this all readable. Wink

Next part is coming up!
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Post Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:32 pm 
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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands


Dear Adam,

I had a visitor today. Theo came by. He is the one that comes the closest to ‘friend’. I don’t ‘do’ friends, I never did, but Theo is an exception. He’s Abby’s (Abby is Abigail, for if you didn’t figure that out yourself, I almost never called her Abigail, only when we first met, so from now on it’s Abby) so… he is Abby’s brother, they were twins actually. Every two weeks he visits me. I always look forward to those days. Except for him, I’ve scared everybody away, as always. It’s not only my own behavior. It gets physical too now. Lately, even my family is afraid to see me. I don’t blame them.

Theo asked me to tell him again how it all started, his little sis and I. I told him so many times, he might even know it better than I do, but still he likes to ask me. When we talk about her, it’s like she is there. Even just for a little while. Yeah, she isn’t here anymore. You might have figured that out already. Theo and I need each other. We need each other to remember together. We were the ones that knew her the best. We need each other to talk about her and to ‘know’ that we didn’t make things up. To check if our picture in our head is still legitimate. Because when I think about her, it can turn into a fairy-like picture.

So I started by telling him what I told you the other day. About my start at school, how she almost immediately drew my attention, the assignment, us becoming friends etc. He told me his side of the story. He told me how Abby came home after a few days at school and told him about this weird girl in a few of her classes (meaning me of course) and how she set up a plan to get closer to me.

When we got closer, Abby and I, she told me herself. She was intrigued by me almost instantly. Ever since she saw me for the first time, she wanted to get closer. Who knew? I thought I was the only weirdo… but she could do very well on her own.
Then I told Theo about after our assignment. After a few months work, it was done. We got a pretty good grade on our project and Abby and I didn’t have an excuse to see each other again without being honest about our motives.

So I came clean. I couldn’t let this one go, she had to stay in my life. I told her that I liked her, might even fallen in love with her, and I wanted to know her more and more. Luckily for me, she felt the same. But before jumping right in, we would get to know each other better. We both had a lot of skeletons in our closets, so we made a plan. We each would have 5 dates to expose ourselves to each other. It sounds stupid, but that’s how it was. Then we both would know who we had standing before us. To do this, we promised each other to be honest and therefore, we needed to trust each other. We wouldn’t betray that.

Theo remembered Abby coming home, all worked up. As always Abby told him everything, despite the fact that he was a boy, she wouldn’t cut on the details. Smile That’s how she was. She would blurt out everything she had on her sleeve, if it was appropriate or not. So she told him about our strange deal and how she would have 5 dates in showing the most important things in her life I had to know, before we started being anything, and vice versa. Theo calmed her down and asked how we got to this point, this crazy point. But she was confident and started planning her 5 dates. So was I.

The first date on my behalf, I took her to my home. To the place I was scared of the most. I showed her everything. I showed her our ridiculous big mansion. My rooms, my two cars I had left there, our pool, our tennis courts, our flower garden, she saw all the people there working only for us, she saw the lake, our boats, our horses, all the property we owned and… worse of all, my parents and brothers. Just before we left, I took her to the tree house and Eddy’s grave right there.

The next dates I used to tell her about myself. About my attitude towards life, towards people. I told her my list of exes. How I have used people to satisfy my own needs. How I treated people around me and that I’ve never let anybody in, except for Eddy. I never had the need. Until he died. I came to know myself in a way I didn’t want to. I saw the monster I’ve become and decided it was time for a change. I told her about how I so much as ran from home. And tried a different path, but didn’t succeed. I told her about my feelings for her and how she was the person that kept me sane, just by working with me and being my friend.

After these 5 dates I felt naked. I had shown myself for who I really was. It turned out, it wasn’t a pretty picture. I never understood that she had come to love me for who I was.

It was her time now. She had to show herself in 5 dates and I must say, she did pretty well. She set the bar just right, by taking me on the first date to her psychiatrist. Theo told me she was really afraid to do so, she never told anyone about her ‘condition’. In her early teens she had lot delusions, she could be disorganized and couldn’t always think straight. When she was 13 she had her first psychoses. That was a very scary time. The doctor diagnosed her as schizophrenic. It all sounds awful, and it was. But at our visit, her psychiatrist told me that her condition was perfectly treatable with medication and a healthy lifestyle. That doesn't mean she was cured or didn't have any symptons, but that the symptoms were reduced and under control. So on her first date, she showed me the biggest skeleton in her closet and I was overthrown. But I had time to recapture myself for the next 4 dates.

I met her family, her love for the people in her life. I came to know her hometown and her plans to travel the world. I came to know her desire to get to know the unknown. She loved to walk along the beach, just as I did. To feel the cool sand at night between your toes. To hear the ocean trying to swallow the beach. She loved music too, she played the piano as well. She showed me, that she was a little blunt in her communication. She was straight forward, knew what she wanted. She was a little strange, but that made us a nice couple. In these dates she proved to be a perfect normal human being.

After these 10 dates we decided we liked each other. We started being a couple. It all sounds so rational, huh? But I can tell you... we could feel it too! Wink
And from that moment on, there was no stopping us. Or so it seemed. I guess now I can say there was a stopping us. I will tell you more, but for now, this is it.

With love,
Eve
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Post Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:34 pm 
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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands


I’m painting you a picture, Adam. A picture of how my life was. Now particularly my life with Abby. When I think about my life, Abby is the only one I can think about. Next to her, the rest is grey, she brings the color. I can paint a bright, cheerful picture, as if there weren’t any flaws. But that’s not reality. I can pretend everything was okay, but I would be lying just as hard to you as to myself. My time with Abby is the most real time I have, so I’m not going to twist it, or lie about it, just to make it come out better, I don’t want better.

After only 6 months together, Abby decided we should travel. She always wanted to see the world. She wanted me to see more of the world too. She convinced me, it was good for me. So we went. She could win me over anytime if she wanted to. She made me leave my money behind. Only the first ticket we could pay ourselves, the rest we would have to earn.

She was right. I learned a lot. I saw so many different cultures, people, countries, traditions etc. That changed me, deep within. I came to look at the world very differently.

I remember being in South Africa, the land of ‘milk and honey’. The country where there is so much wealth, but also so much poverty. Where you can still feel the apartheid on the streets. We worked for a couple of weeks in a shelter. We would go out on the streets and look for the kids who lived there. Kids that are sniffing glue right under your nose and carry their boxes, their homes, with them, so they can’t be stolen. We offered them a place to stay, where they would be fed, schooled, given a bath, a bed, medical care etc, a chance to escape their prospects, under the condition that they would try their best at school. Many of them chose there street life over this opportunity, because they wanted to feel in charge. I couldn’t understand. But that was reality.

In Manilla we spoke with girls, only 12 years old, who were prostitutes. They even offered themselves to us. Kids shouldn’t have to do that!
We were with a group of foreigners, when we met one of the most dangerous gangs there. There were guys, my age, who wouldn’t even blink to kill someone. Some of them had already done that. But for us, they would get off of their boxes, so that we could sit there. Can you believe that? They live on the streets, they have to do whatever to get food, they don’t have a roof over their heads, and if we were alone, they for sure would have robbed us or worse… But now they’re standing up, so we could have a seat. It was the world upside down!

We did a lot of charity work. We took care of a lot more unfortunate people. We helped building houses, water pumps, proper sanitary etc. We visit a lot of religious places: churches, mosques, temples, synagogues, holy rivers, holy stones etc. We stayed with a lot of different people. We experienced so many things. We could do that together. Not everywhere we could tell we were together. So many times we were sisters, nieces, best friends or something. We didn’t care. We knew who we were, and that was enough.

Being together for so long, just the two of us going from place to place, was intense. We had to work so hard to keep us going. Abby was a lovely girl, but her illness, would make life hard. There were times here symptoms took the best of her. She would be so caught up in her head and distrustful to people around her. It was hard even for me to break through. There were so many times I was going to rip her head off!! (Just as a figure of speaking then). She had the talent to get the blood from under my nails, just in seconds. And so did I in return. I wasn’t that easy to live with either. We made a deal (yeah, us again with our deals), we would never go to sleep with a fight going on. We always had to make up, before hitting the pillow. That worked.

Eventually after two years of travelling every continent, every climate and cruising just about every ocean, we decided to go home. But not before a visit to Australia. We went surfing and hiking and for a few months lived the good life. This time we didn’t have to work so hard, we would relax. We bought a camper and lived wherever we wanted. We enjoyed the awesome nature that would go on and on, like there was no end to it. Not only nature, we enjoyed each other’s company as well. After two years of going from one place to another, and always having people around us, we were just by ourselves. It were four months we spend there. That’s where we started to plan our future.

Abby had it all planned out. When we would go home, we would have about six months before we would go back to school. After school we would have kids. She even came up with names, schools, sports everything. We would buy a nice house by the ocean, just near the beach. We would have a nice big veranda, where we would be listening to sounds of the water every night. She wanted to have a music room with a big piano and guitars and all the instruments we learned to play over the last few years, so we could make music together. She always loved to make music together. We would have a nice kitchen and a living room with a big sofa in it, on which you could sleep on, without feeling sorry in the morning. Our bedroom was going to be a little palace of it’s own. She wanted to have a full ocean view and a big, big bed. We needed (of course) a walk-in closet, because anything else just wouldn’t do.

And so it happened. We found ourselves a beautiful home, just as Abby had all planned out. The decorator in Abby made our home feel like home. Although, for me any place would have been home, only if she was there. But she made it beautiful. After all these years I can still feel her there. Just by falling asleep on that sofa, makes me remember what it was to sleep next to her. How it was to hold her and look at her. How she could light my day, by stepping in and trying to say something while she held the mail in her mouth and still expected me to understand what she was saying.

It were the little things, the things you almost can’t describe, because it’s just a small movement or a simple look in her eyes, that made us. She could come home, all grumpy. She would make some tea and then make me sit on the couch, so she could lie on my lap an could complain about everything that she had on her plate. I would run my fingers through her hair and listen. She would finish and look me in the eyes. I would smile at her, tell her it would be okay and slowly bend down and kiss her softly on her lips. Then, it would be okay. She needed that. And I needed that. I needed to be her hero every once in a while.

Now she is gone, I can’t be her hero anymore. I can’t take care of her anymore. The day she died, I lost my hero. I don’t have anyone to take care of me anymore. All that I have left is me, myself. And even that is slipping out of my hands now. I can’t take care of myself anymore. It’s like everyday sucks the life out of me just a little bit more. With her death, I slowly started dying too. It’s only a matter of time before it’s all over.

Love,
Eve
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Post Mon Sep 21, 2009 12:21 am 
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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands


My dear Adam,

After being together for 4 years, it was over in just a blink of an eye. I can remember that day like it was only a few days ago. Abby had an early class and we overslept. We were going through the house like idiots. She rushed in the shower and I made breakfast and packed lunch for her. It wasn’t one of Abby’s best days. She had a panic attack and when I knocked over one of her favorite vases, the room was too small. She just exploded and I had to endure her flood of anger. She stormed out of the house. I cleaned up and took a shower as well. I was free that day, so I started working in our study. It was only an hour later when I got the call from the hospital. Abby was hit by a car. She wasn’t paying attention when she crossed the street, probably from all the things that were going on inside her head, and the driver couldn’t do anything to avoid a hit.

That was it. I rushed to the hospital to find her, laying in a bed. She was in a coma and they kept her alive, just so I could say goodbye to her. She had a major head trauma, she was all beaten up. A lot of her bones were broken and her skin was torn. Her breathing was unsteady and she looked so fragile. By seeing her face, I could see she cried at the moment of the accident. She always cried when she had an attack. She hated her attacks. She wanted to be normal. She didn’t want to be overwhelmed by the voices in her head. By the things she saw that weren’t there. She normally could control it, but every once in a while, she couldn’t. She didn’t mean to scream at me like that. She didn’t want to hurt me. It killed her, and now it literally did.

I never got to see her awake anymore. Her eyes remained closed. I never got to look in her big deep brown eyes. The eyes that could see me, for who I really was. Her lips never parted again. The lips I kissed for so many years, the lips I knew to be so soft, were beaten up and had drops of stained blood on them. I never got to hear her voice again, I never heard her sing again. She loved to sing. She had a beautiful voice. Her hands didn’t move anymore. She wouldn’t play the piano again, or make dinner. She wouldn’t write sweet notes to me that she hid in places only I would find. The body that was once so strong, the body that carried her around the world, the body I loved so much, and made love to some many times till we couldn’t anymore, was wrecked in only seconds. Her heart stopped. There was no saving her. She was only 22 when she died.

She died, and I lived. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to live, now she was gone. But I did. I spend the whole day in the hospital, crying at her bed. The doctors and medical staff tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t. At the end of the day Theo came. He had been on the other side of the country and just arrived. He looked terrible, he’d been crying. He talked to the doctors and he took me home. There the rest of her family came. They arranged everything for the funeral, but I wasn’t a big help. I still had no words and I cried in Theo’s arms all night. We ordered food and short after the doorbell rang. Just to do something and catch a breath of fresh air, I opened the door. Instead of the pizzaboy, there was a messenger with a package. I signed and waited till the messenger was gone and then opened the box. In it was a beautiful necklace with a little black heart. There was a card that said “I’m sorry”. Just before she died, Abby made an effort to make it up to me. She was like that, she couldn’t stand us fighting. The rest of the evening is all blank to me. I can’t remember anything.

The funeral was beautiful. There were so many people, the church wasn’t big enough. I guess everyone liked Abby. I managed to get through the day on a lot of pills. I remember very little of it. I remember Theo played a song Abby and I made. It was strange to hear her sing. To hear her voice and mine together. They played homemade video’s of Abby when she was young, but also some videos of me and her together. They showed pictures of our travelling. She looked so happy. This is what she wanted. She didn’t want a mourning, she wanted a happy goodbye.

I didn’t go back to school that year. After a few months of doing absolutely nothing with my life, I went as far from Abby as I could. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I couldn’t deal with the void Abby left behind. I couldn’t deal with the constant absent presence of Abby in our home. Just to almost feel her, but knowing I never actually would. I couldn’t sleep in that bed anymore. I couldn’t play the piano, or ride her surfboard. I couldn’t fall asleep on the sofa without her being next to me. I couldn’t breathe in the air of our home, I couldn’t.

I went back to my old life. The life I hated so much. The life I flee from out of resentence. I went back to being the person I never wanted to be anymore. But that life, that person, was everything Abby wasn’t. There was no love, there was no happiness. It wasn’t real, it was all one big charade. I wouldn’t have to be real anymore, I wouldn’t have to feel anymore, because when I did, the pain became overwhelming. I wasn’t strong. I chose the easy way out. Or so it seems.

But that wasn’t true. I chose this path and never loved a person in that way again. I chose a life of being alone. I felt alone all my life, until Abby came. No she is gone, I’m alone again. It’s fine like this, I don’t want it anymore. It was Abby or nothing. Now I’m stuck with nothing. I won’t let anyone in, ever again. Not just out of fear of being hurt again, but also out of fear of losing Abby more and more.

I lost the love of my life. The only thing I have left, are the memories that keep her real. Her perfume, her clothes. Her pictures, videos, the music we made together. I will savor those forever. I won’t have someone else take her place. If I do that, the memories of Abby will slowly disappear. It’s Abby and I forever, and if it’s not, then nothing.

This may sound all bitter to you and maybe it is. But that’s the way it has to be. She is gone, and from that moment on, I left too. I have nothing left to live for, and I guess my body is getting that now to. I’m sick and I won’t get better.

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Post Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:24 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Sad Mara, this story is killing me, I'm not even sure I can read anymore, it is so desperately sad that tears have been running down my cheeks whilst I read it.




Noni
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Post Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:37 pm 
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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands


Hey Noni,

Nice to see my story touched at least one person. Now it's worth the write. Wink
I promise you... it won't get any worse than this. But the picture still isn't complete and there are still some things to come, things that aren't pretty. It's a story about a sad life, so it won't be a story that lightens your day.

Thnx for reading. And here....

* Mara hands Noni a tissue, "I've been there too, it'll be okay..."
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Post Mon Sep 21, 2009 9:21 pm 
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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands


I’m back again, hallo Adam!

So in my last letter I wrote you about Abby’s death and how I reacted to that. Today I will finish my story. This will be my last write. I had to deal with a huge void in my life. I missed Abby. It’s not only the love I missed. I missed the whole package. I missed someone around. Someone who got angry at me for leaving my clothes everywhere in the house. Someone who could give me ‘the look’ which determined everything. I missed someone to yell at when I was frustrated, or to blame for mistakes I made. I missed her to tell her how I felt, because I don’t tell people how I feel. I felt miserable for losing her and I would make sure something like this would never happen to me again. With Abby’s death, for me, there came an end to a certain era. I would change. I tried to get away from there, but I don’t think I really ever succeeded.

To fill that void I bought a big apartment near my new college (yeah, I changed schools). I hired a house keeper, a gardener, a cook, a stylist and a hairdresser and I decided never to cook or clean for myself again. I bought a new car, new clothes, jewelry, the whole nine yards. I even changed my hair. My long mahogany curls were cut off to a bob. I soon found myself a girlfriend and I was back in the game.

I got invited to a lot charity dinners, party’s, dances etc. I was a big spender, but one of the things that remained of my time with Abby, was giving a lot of money to charity. In my little plastic world, it all revolves around these parties. It’s all about making your appearances and wear the most beautiful dresses, that you can (of course) only wear once.

By being a frequent face on those parties, I very soon draw the attention of the media. I was a juicy topic for the tabloids. A young rich woman, studying, attending a lot of festivities, lesbian, cute, a lot of different girlfriends, a real Casanova. I became the face of living the good life.

For years people followed me around. Not only the tabloids, but my admirers too. It’s like they tried to taste a little bit of the good life by being near me. Journalists loved to write about me. Every step I took, I could read about it somewhere. Classmates pretended to be my best friends. My girlfriends couldn’t keep their mouths shut, so 24/7 I had to keep up the charade. I didn’t care what people wrote about me (and there really was a lot of bad things) as long as they wouldn’t find out who I really was. I didn’t care if the whole world thought I was a bitch, a slut, hungry for attention etc. except for Abby’s family.

Three times a year I would go to the east coast and visit Abby’s family. I celebrated Christmas there, I went on Abby’s birthday and on the week she died. Abby’s family didn’t really like the way I lived, but they knew how I got to this point, they understood. When I was there, I felt some peace and quiet. I loved that.

My life was so fake and I worked so hard to keep that, I was exhausted. I was always tired. At first I thought it was my work. My worked asked a lot of me, so it was simple math to explain why I was tired. After months I started to have headaches and I went to see a doctor. She told me it was probably stress and gave me instructions to rest.

It wasn’t stress. I’m 35 now and I have cancer. It’s leukemia and I’m not getting better. I have leukemia for years, but now I’m at a point where every day is another day. I am waiting to die.

When the doctors discovered my disease they were hopeful. I was young, I had a very strong body and a strong character. I would win this. They were wrong. Not entirely, I did have a strong body, I was young, I do have a strong character, but I didn’t have enough willpower.

I had an operation, chemo, radiation, medication, therapy, etc etc. But it didn’t work. The cancer came back every time. With medication they try to postpone the inevitable as long as they could, but slowly I become sicker and sicker.

The last time I could walk was a year ago. I haven’t been able to stand on my own feet for more than a year now and I never will again. Even if I wanted to, I’m physically not able. It’s funny how a human body adjust to its circumstances. For the past year, I slowly saw my legs shrink. It’s like the muscles in my legs just vanished, it’s nothing but skin, bones and tendons. My feet aren’t flat anymore, but they’re bend, my toes to the ground. My hair is gone, I’m in a bed. Because of being in a bed, I have a lot of decubitus ulcers. My body is full of open wounds that just won’t heal anymore. I know how cancer smells, I live in the smell.

I can’t be up for long, I can’t stay awake very long. I stopped eating about a week ago. I don’t drink. The only fluid I get is through a line, in my vain. My days are more painful every day. Everything hurts. My family won’t visit anymore. I guess they are scared. The only people I see are the ones that take care of me. The nurses and doctors that work here. Christopher comes by every other day and Theo visits me on a daily basis now.

It’s time to say goodbye. I guess by writing to you, I straighten some things out. It might sound wrong, but I’m content. I lived my life unhappy. I lived my life and didn’t do that to the max. I know it’s ‘carpe diem’ but I didn’t. I never tried, I never reached for the highest goal. I’m spoiled. Everybody loved me, I was beautiful, smart and sexy. I spun everyone around my little fingers. I almost never strained for anything. I always got what I wanted. I used a lot of people, and I don’t regret that. I bought a lot attention to keep my mind of things. I’ve been arrogant, stuck up, haughty. I treated people like property and I liked to own them. But I don’t see harm in that.

Now I’m at the end of the line. I, the face of the life of the rich and famous, am dying alone and loved only by people who don’t know me, don’t really love me, but love me for the role model I am. The face of happiness and succes but with an hole in my heart the size of my life.

So I guess this is goodbye. Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for being able to talk to. Thank you for just letting me be me. Thank you for seeing the whole picture. This was my life, the life of Evelyn Phillmore. I can see it as a title on the cover of a book that has my picture on it.

This is it, as an Eve, I'm saying goodbye to you Adam, my Adam.
With all my love,
Yours truly,
Eve
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Last edited by Mara on Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:16 pm; edited 2 times in total

Post Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:47 pm 
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Mara



Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 53
Location: The Netherlands


So this was my last addition. I hope you enjoyed reading. As Noni said, it’s a sad story, it doesn’t have a happy ending. I just wanted to sketch a life of someone who isn’t happy. I know we all believe in happy endings and if you just try your best, it will all be okay. But I see a lot of people around me who don’t try their best or when they do, it’s still not good enough. We live in a broken world with a lot of pain. Still everyone has a chance at happiness, and it’s up to us to take it or not!
Thank you!
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Post Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:58 pm 
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MysteryGirl
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Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Mara, I couldnt, in all truthfulness, say I enjoyed this but it was compelling, worthwhile and made me think. Thank you for your thoughts.




HugZ, Noni
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Post Thu Oct 01, 2009 12:31 am 
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