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Installment One revised...feedback please!!!!

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CindyT



Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Posts: 159
Location: Florida
Installment One revised...feedback please!!!!

Next up is first communion and two boyfriends !!!!!

DINK and STANLEY and ME
And WHEN I FINALLY KNEW I COULDN’T BE A BOY

Dink and Stanley were brothers that lived across the street but they didn’t look like brothers to me. I lived there first and then they moved in. Dink was about a year older than me but Stanley was older than Dink. I was five. I was so happy when they moved to our neighborhood because I had to play by myself or with my little brother Kevin. I really hated that. I think I might have been lonely because it was about the same time I made friends with Dink and Stanley that my imaginary cat Blackie ran away. Then we got Pepper. Pepper was a real cat.

The day they moved in there was a big, long truck with a ramp in the back. I saw them playing in the yard and of course right away I jumped on my bike and went over to meet them. We were getting aquatinted, you know, talking about what kind of bikes they had and if they had Hot Wheels or Johnny Lightings with a lot of tracks and superchargers.

Then a lady that must have been their mom came out and screamed at them. She had her hands on her hips and her face was very red and spit flew out of her mouth when she yelled. I was so shocked and scared too because I never knew moms’ did that. She made them go inside and that left me just sitting there on my bike in their yard. I had no idea what we did wrong. Not even a clue. Well I was just staring at the front door and she came out and told me to get back to my yard because they weren’t coming back out tonight. I was so scared because her face was still very red and her voice was mean and I thought she hated me and I didn’t know why. Right about then my Mom started calling me and I went home as fast as I could. Boy was I ever relieved to get out of there!

It was time for supper so I had to wash up and then Mom let me set the table. I had just learned how to do that and I liked helping get ready to eat. That night we had my favorite, next to fried shrimp. We had fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, green peas, and biscuits. I liked it all except for the green peas. Whenever I would eat them I would gag and almost throw up. I usually left them for last. My brother always left his potatoes for last. He wouldn’t eat anything white and I didn’t like things that were green. I could tell my mom would get angry but she would keep it in and just sigh real loud. Then Waddie, my grandmother, would make me eat fifteen peas and my brother would have to eat two big spoons of potatoes. After that we could be excused and play outside till dark.

When I finished my peas I asked if I could be excused but Mom said no I couldn’t. I started to get scared again because she sounded funny and her voice was shaking. It kind of felt like I was in trouble, but if I was, I sure didn’t know why. Then Mom asked me if I knew what I had done wrong and I knew for sure I was in trouble then. I was scared and I started crying and told her I didn’t know. And I really didn’t. Then she made me sit in her lap even though she said I was getting too big to sit there anymore. She held me and told me she loved me and how proud she was of me. I didn’t know what proud was but it made me feel better anyway.

“Do you know what else you’re too big for” she asked me? “Here, wipe your nose.” “Do you know?” she asked again. “No” I whispered. “You remember our talk last week, when you wanted to ride your bike in the road?” “Yes mam” I reluctantly answered. “So what did you promise me?”

Then it hit me. But I couldn’t say it; my voice was frozen in my throat. Mostly because it was so unfair and I still didn’t see why it was wrong. I mean, how could it be wrong now if it was never wrong before? It made me mad and I felt guilty.

“Mom, why is it bad?” “I’m not bad am I?” “No sweetie, you’re not bad, but you are a big girl now.” “Big girls don’t go outside to play unless they have all their clothes on.” “Do they?” Sobbing now and out of breath I answered, “I don’t want to be a big girl!” “I want to be a boy!” “It’s not fair!” I whispered with a tremble.

I knew my chest looked just like a boys’ and in my child’s mind I just couldn’t understand. I could not understand why I had to wear a shirt when all the boys were bare chested and free. She wanted me to wear all my clothes, all the time. She wanted me to wear pink and red and lace. Colors that crushed the air in my chest, made my head hurt, made me furious and anxious. She wanted me to wear dresses making me feel exposed and vulnerable. I felt like everyone wanted me to be someone else. Someone I didn’t know, someone I did not like at all.

I cried for days. For days I wouldn’t leave my room. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t stop crying. And I couldn’t sleep at night. That’s when Blackie came back. I was heartbroken but defiant, playing with Blackie sans shirt, sheltered in the backyard away from watchful Mom and nosy neighbors.

I was lonely again locked in my silent struggles. Finally I decided I should bargain for my freedom. “Mom?” I approached cautiously. “I’ll wear my shirt, so can I go over to Dink’s and play?” “Ok sweetie, why don’t you wear your red t-shirt?” “But the red one makes my head hurt”, I whined. “Can I wear my brown one?” Frowning she said, “Ok, but don’t you dare take it off, and you better come home as soon as I call you. You hear me?” Sweetly I replied, “Yes Mam.” Silently smiling, as I had just won round one. Now I needed to figure out how to get rid of all the pink and red and every single dress. One way or another, I would get rid of every single one of them.

~~Ladies Please Give me your criticism and encouragements... I want it all~~
Much Love
CindyT Wink

Post Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:12 am 
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MysteryGirl
Moderators


Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder


Hey Cindy...Good work on separating out the paragraphs, makes it much easier to read.

You have the bones of an interesting story here...let's have some more and see where it progresses.




HugZ, MG.
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Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!

Post Mon Jan 21, 2013 1:51 pm 
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Ashae78



Joined: 04 Dec 2012
Posts: 16
Location: Netherlands
Great writing!

Hey Cindy,

I like the way you're writing this. You are able to draw people into the story from the start. Painting a picture, an idea. Very nice. I like your style. Would love to see more of it Smile I'm sure many others do as well, but choose to wait patiently for another installment.

Curious to see whether there is more to this story or another. Don't feel pressured though. I can be patient too. Wanted to let you know, I like your work sofar.
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Love is what keeps life interesting.

Post Wed Jul 03, 2013 6:32 am 
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CindyT



Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Posts: 159
Location: Florida


Thank you Ahsae! I normally don't write stories, usually just poetry but I do have a few stories percolating on the back burner. This one happens to be 100% autobiographical. Thank you though for the writing critique, I really do appreciate it very much!

I have something in the works that is totally fiction. So far I have an outline and the title... "The S&M Café " I'll post it up here at Mels as soon as I have it ready.

Thanks again for your analysis and kind words!

CindyT

Post Wed Jul 03, 2013 7:14 pm 
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Ashae78



Joined: 04 Dec 2012
Posts: 16
Location: Netherlands


That also sounds like an interesting title and if the writing is anything like this, it will make an awesome story (doesn't even matter what it is about).

I do wonder whether this story is concluded then. The last sentence is a possible endline Smile but at the same time I am wondering how the main character managed to get rid of all her dresses (for getting rid of them I do not doubt she did,as she sounds like a very strong minded person) and found more ways to be more herself.
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Love is what keeps life interesting.

Post Tue Jul 09, 2013 12:07 pm 
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CindyT



Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Posts: 159
Location: Florida


Aw Ashae! Thanks again for your support and encouragement! Yes, the getting rid of the dresses will flow into the "first communion" continuation I mentioned at the beginning of the story. As I mentioned previously it has been on the back burner, and to be quite Shirley (rather than Frank!!!) I do seem to have lost my muse here lately. However with your kind words of encouragement I'm going to devote some time to work on these little ditties! Thanks again.

CindyT

Post Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:48 pm 
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