CindyT
Joined: 09 Nov 2012
Posts: 159
Location: Florida |
Watching You Die [F]
My bones have been aching again and I thought to lie down and rest. I was cold and wanted to wrap in my blanket and heating pad. I was looking for relief from my pain but my heart is too deep to be touched by the warmth of a blanket.
At first I thought I was asleep and dreaming, but then I felt the warm wetness of my tears spilling from my eyes and draining into my ears. I was thinking of you again. I was thinking about watching you die. I’ve thought about it a lot but I have been afraid. I have been afraid to feel. I have been afraid to wrap words around those feelings and touch them. I am afraid to do this because it hurts so deep inside me still. It was in this surreal place; asleep but not asleep, awake but not awake, that I found my feelings.
I was with you; we were with you. But you were not with me, you were not with us. Your ending had begun. I remember wondering if you could hear us. I remember thinking;
I wish I could feel what you are feeling
. The poverty of my words kept me from comforting you.
Unable to untangle my silence, I closed my eyes to everyone watching and crawled inside you so I could yell and scream, dance and cry and laugh. I wanted this for you. I wanted to pound the walls of your insides so we would both know you could still feel. Then, for myself, I wanted to be deep inside you one more time. If I were deep inside you I would push my arms up through your throat and reach out of your mouth and hold your face in my hands and kiss your lips, your eyes, your cheeks, taste your tears and feel your lips smile one last time. I wanted to do
all
of these things for you, and for me. All I could do was wait my turn to be with you alone. I crawled into the bed and wrapped my body around yours. I wanted to hold you and keep you in this world but you were gone.
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