Last edited by mishsana on Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:42 am; edited 5 times in total
Sun Oct 22, 2006 10:57 am
mishsana
Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28
story has been deleted
deleted
Last edited by mishsana on Mon Oct 30, 2006 5:41 am; edited 2 times in total
Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:34 am
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
hey mish
interesting perspective. you can do some work on the language side, i think, but the plot can also be expanded a bit. the last part where you list the memorial messages is a little overdone, i would have just listed the poem the main character wrote.
this is my point of view, of course, but do keep writing and share some more of your work.
regards
ghost _________________
MIA
Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:56 pm
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
Grabbed me from the beginning - just going back to read the rest
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:08 am
mishsana
Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28
glad you liked it Mairi. thanks for the comment
Thu Oct 26, 2006 9:43 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
Right... your natural style approaches "
stream-of-consciousness
", which can be confusing, but on the other hand seems to be just right for writing from within the mind of a schizophrenic.
I love the switch from the narrative suddenly to the tributes and epitaphs at the end.
It does need tidying up a little, re-working, re-ordering, maybe even lengthening; and if you can do that without sacrificing the immediacy it has you will have a first-class piece of writing there.
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:02 am
mishsana
Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 28
thanks again might have anthor look and see if i can approve it. any ideas
Thu Oct 26, 2006 10:57 am
Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
I don't have any specific ideas. Just keep looking at it, touching it here, touching it there, and keep on going until it is exactly the way you would want to read it yourself. Then ask someone to check fot spelling mistakes and outrageous grammar (not saying there are any, by the way).
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
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