I've been in a pretty serious relationship with a girl for over a year now, though I can't really say when we started dating. I've known her for 2 years, we met online, and things just...
happened
. She's wonderful. I tell her everything. She's the only person I can tell things to.
My family is anti-gay, and I'm still living at home. I can't come out. They don't, and can't, know about this girl. I'm in no position to let them know I'm gay. My life is a mess. I'm 20, but I stay at home all day. I know very few people. I don't really have friends. That's not because I'm a bad person and unlikable, just because of circumstance. I actually get along with just about anyone. The problem is that I can't drive on my own, you see. My parents started to teach me, then kinda... stopped halfway. I can drive, but they aren't comfortable to let me out on my own. I understand. They're overprotective, too, so I can't just... walk out of the house and do things on my own, or take the bus places. I'm pretty much stuck here.
I've been a bit sad about my whole situation for a long time. My life is pretty boring. I feel useless, like I'm not living up to any of my potential. But I can't really do anything about it right now, until I can drive on my own, and it's like pulling teeth to get them to let me drive anywhere. I work on Mondays, and would like to work more, but I can't at the moment.
But enough of that. The basic gist of that is that I have a girlfriend, and she keeps me sane through my tough time. She's my only friend and confidant.
But then her dad installed something on her home network that monitors everything she does. He's seen our personal talks. Me and his daughter, we were close. We love each other. We have plans for our future together. A future that's not too far off, I hope. Maybe a year and a half.
Both of her parents know she's a lesbian, but they are hardly supportive. In fact, they are very much unsupportive of it. Her dad let her keep talking to me for a while, but then her mother got into an argument with her (over something that wasn't even about her), and her father told her mother about
us
.
And now her mom is threatening to kick her out of the house. She's in her last year of highschool right now, and being kicked out wouldn't exactly be good for her. I don't know what would happen to her exactly if she was kicked out, whether she'd go out on her own or if she has a somewhat supportive family member to take her in, or if she would be sent to another non-supportive family member and things would be worse for her then it already is. I worry for her. She's my sweetheart, I don't want anything bad to happen to her.
Since her mom knows, she can't talk to me very often anymore. She said she can give me updates from time to time, but not often. She said I can still email her as much as I need, but she can't respond much. Since I'm so... vulnerable and hurt, I'm glad I have that much. I'm also pretty sure our plans for the future are still set, but... all of this just happened, so I don't really know what will happen to us in the end. She seems committed to me though. And I'm certainly committed to her. It's just hard to know anything for sure when we're separated by a few states, parents, and... time. I have no clue when I'll get a response from her again.
It all just... hurts. It hurts a lot. She was keeping me together. She was all I had to talk to. I need to talk to someone, but I have my support line cut from me. And I'm worried for her constantly. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost and hurt. I love her deeply. I cry so much. But I'm trying to keep myself occupied at the house all day so I don't dwell and get depressed. She wouldn't want that.
I just... I need a friend. I need a life. I need her.
All of this happened just a few nights ago, so I know I may be jumping the gun quite a bit by feeling so horrible. But my mind isn't exactly logical on matters of the heart, and even on a good day it seems to dwell on the worst possible scenario. The last night we were able to talk she said I sound like I think I'm losing her forever. I don't feel that deep down, but... yes, it does feel like that from time to time in the here and now. It hurts so much not to know when I'll get to talk to her again. It worries me now because I don't know if I ever will, because I haven't gotten to talk to her at all since the night she told me.
I plan to get some more workdays eventually, but I can't right now. Because all of this has left me too raw and sobbing to be able to appropriately handle it, I think. Hopefully things will get better for me and I'll feel I can get a job eventually.
I need support. If any of you kind strangers would give me some, it would be much appreciated. Feel free to PM me as well. I could really use someone to reach out to me.
Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:36 am
cupcakes
Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 324
Location: NY
Wow Mal,
I just read all this now...waaaay after meeting you in chat today. You were so pleasant and playful I didn't realize how serious your situation is. I admire you for how stable and rational you are being about it though...I know i'd probably lock myself in my room and cry like a pathetic, little b*tch, hating the world etc etc haha.
you write beautifully, especially about her. You describe your gf the same way I think of mine.
I can SO relate to having a best friend and confidante and I can't even imagine being so abruptly cut off from her.
You both sound like sensible girls who care about each other a lot...i really wish you'll both make it through this.
best wishes,
cupcakes
Sat Jan 05, 2008 1:47 pm
BadInLatin
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 29
I don't know if I'm particularly stable. Especially not now. But I'm trying to be. I'm trying hard not to just... curl up into a little ball all day and cry. My girlfriend doesn't want me to do that. I've apparently worried her before, she's thought that I may kill myself. I wont, and I made sure to try to put her fears to rest about that by telling her that I wont, but I do understand how she could think that. I mean, I was pretty sad about the general state of my life at home when she was still able to talk with me for hours every night (Though I was always
so happy
when she was on). It's a lot harder to be optimistic and hopeful about things without her around now.
But I'm trying to keep myself occupied and not let myself be sad all day long. I love her, and it's very painful not to have her... But I have to remember that she wont be gone forever, that she's still there for me, even if she can't talk to me now but once in a blue moon.
I want to be able to tell her in my emails that I'm... relatively happy, not that I'm getting worse. She doesn't need to hear my sob story when she's got such important things to think about right now. I want her to be able to look forward to reading about how my life is going, not be sad for me, you know?
The chat last night helped me immensely, really. People to talk to is exactly what I need to keep me from just dwelling on myself and crying myself to sleep at night. I felt almost like myself last night, I felt pretty nice.
Thank you, Cupcakes.
Sat Jan 05, 2008 8:24 pm
Xalia1 Moderators
Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 3702
Location: In love
I read this twice...
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this, its a lot to handle.
Parents can control our lives so much, it took me a long time to realize the difference between pleasing my parents and making myself what they wanted me to be. Its a fine line, and its hard.
Is there any way you can learn to drive without your parents? Read online and then go get your license if you don't have it? It sounds like you are in a difficult position being so isolated at home so much. Even if you can't drive, can you go out somewhere...a coffee shop? A library? Somewhere there are people that you don't necessariy have to talk to, but can still be surrounded by something other than home?
Being in one place like that - especially if it is not a supportive place - can really drag you down. Its no wonder you're sad...
Your g/f...
The situation sucks. I hope you two find a way to get past this and work it out despite her parents. Every relationship has its trials that are beyond your control. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to hold on to what you have...and there is really nothing more you can do. Patience is hard to have when its something so important to you, so I hope you can keep the faith and that she can as well and something good will come of this. What is that saying, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"?
I am glad you found this place.
When I first joined this site a few years back, I was in a really dark place in my life...and this site has been my haven ever since. I am hoping you find the same support and family here that I have, and that it helps you through.
You take care of yourself, and stick around, I'll see ya in chat sometime and give ya a hug.
**Hugs**
Xalia _________________ Nobody said life would be easy...They just promised it would be worth it.
~♥♥~
~The words fail me.. because what I feel for you is beyond description...~
Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:16 pm
BadInLatin
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 29
Thank you, Xalia.
I have a license, but my parents just aren't comfortable with how well I drive to let me out on my own. Frankly, I'm not 100% comfortable with how much they've taught me either. I know it all in theory, I just... don't have enough practice yet. I never quite got comfortable with it. I'm trying to get my mom to let me drive her to places close by.
I don't really have anything very close within walking distance, however. And I'm not entirely sure I'd even be allowed to walk to places to begin with. And I don't really want to cause waves with my family if I can avoid it. I think the best way to go about it is to just... slowly work my way into being allowed to drive on my own. So that's what I'm going to try to do.
Hopefully, once I'm allowed to drive places, I wont be so under my parents thumb. I'll be able to get out of here and go places. When I can go places, I can build up an actual life outside of my house. which is something I feel I need pretty desperately. Staying at home all the time is a bit depressing.
In the mean time I'm just trying to get a good hold on myself in general. I'm trying to make positive changes in my life to counteract this negative one that her parent's were so nice to toss onto the pile of other negative things I already had.
I'm trying to get out of my room and be a bit more involved with my family during the day, and keep busy. They aren't so bad, really. I may not be able to share all of myself with them, or get them to let me drive for whatever reason, but they aren't really bad people that I hate to be around.
I'm trying to be patient in the meantime and... just wait for my girl to come back to me. I look forward to our future, even if my present is more than a little lackluster.
Sun Jan 06, 2008 2:49 am
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
I think getting out and driving is really the first step. I also think it is how you word it to your parents. I think if you tell them that you want to be the best, most safest driver in the world, then maybe they would let you take driving lessons from a driving school. Don't say it is because you want to get out and do more things and have more freedom, because there are obviously control issues, but focus more on you wanting to be as safe as you can be when you do have to go out to work or wherever. What parent doesn't want their kid to be as safe as possible when they are out on the street? And when you are done with that, them saying you are an unsafe driver will not be an excuse anymore, because you went to school and were taught by professionals on how to be safe.
That is number one. That will get you out and give you the freedom to get a job too, so that you can make more money, because unfortunately, money is what you will need to have the freedom you need to be with her.
Good luck.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Sun Jan 06, 2008 3:57 am
BadInLatin
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 29
Yeah. I really need to get into driving, and get some more work. One day a week may be fine for living at home and doing nothing, but it's not going to be enough to save up to move out. I'm really going to try to get them to let me go driving so I can get another job. I don't know if they'd go for lessons, but I might try for it.
I plan on getting a job sometime soonish. The sooner I can get out more on my own and save up, the better. Thankfully, both my parents want me to get a job, so I may not have too much trouble if I tell them I want to learn to drive so I can get more work. I need to save up to be with my girlfriend, I realize that. The more money I have when we get out together, the better we'll be. Especially since we'll both be moving to a new city. I'm trying to get my life into shape so everything is in order and we don't bomb when we move.
I wont have any (or very little if things go VERY WELL with my parents, somehow..) financial support, and it's looking less and less like she'll have any either. Soo... Basically, the more money I can get, the better.
Thank you, DP.
Sun Jan 06, 2008 7:45 am
Sally Hansen
Joined: 17 Dec 2007
Posts: 5
Well, I can totally relate. In my situation it isn't a parent, but a husband. IMs are monitored & our personal time together is cut short, so I feel like at any second I could lose her. And that makes me completely unstable. Almost to the point of hardly being able to function.
So, my boat is a different color, but it is still sailing along the same path as yours. You have my sympathy & my ear. It sucks.
Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:33 pm
BadInLatin
Joined: 05 Jan 2008
Posts: 29
I'm sorry to hear things are bad for you, Sally. It really does suck.
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