My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years now. Everything has been pretty good for the most part. I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable with the fact that she has made no effort to come out to any of her family members or the majority of her friends. Basically, I feel like her dirty little secret. Out facebooks say that we are both in relationships but I can't say who because one of her friends or family members might see it. I don't feel comfortable going out with her and her friends because I refuse to pretend that we are not a couple. I'm not a person that shows a lot of public displays of affection, but at the same time I am not going to pretend that I am not a lesbian and that she is not my girlfriend. It doesn't feel right.
We both 20 years old and neither of us have boyfriends...her parents must wonder why we are attached at the hip and never out looking for possible mates. I hate sneaking around. We don't have to do it when we are on my side of things, but once we cross over to her world everything is different.
I don't know if I should bring this up to her because I understand that coming out is a personal choice and I don't want her to feel pressured. But at the same time I feel like she is just avoiding the whole thing and trying to pretend that the issue doesn't exist. I am left pressured to act a certain way and it puts a wedge in our relationship because I can't be around her in a lot of situations. I just know that I am out, but when I am with her I feel like I am thrust back into the closet. I don't want to have to end the relationship. I love her. But I don't know if I can continue to deal with this.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:02 am
Guest
Freaky, I came here tonight to make almost the exact same post. My girlfriend of one year has made very little visable effort to come out to friends or family. I love her, she is the first girl I can say I have fallen in love with, although I have been involved before. Two months ago I broke our relationship off becuse going back in the closet just made me too uncomfortable.When we meet I was openly gay, so it was not unknown to her how I perfered to live my life.
Granted, we are from small towns and by me being open about my sexuality I was just as well kicking her out of the closet. Had no desire to do that, because, like you, I see coming out as a very personal decision. We meet in another part of the country, so until a few months ago her being outed was not an issue. Since our split ,I have moved back into the city and we are once again having daily contact. Last weekend she spent two days and a night with me at my apartment and it was amazing. We completely reconnected and the problems that seemed so unbearably large just such a short time ago seemed to melt away. Now I am left to ontinuously question her future intentions. I have no idea where she stands, and I have yet to decide weather her remaining in the closet is something I can deal with. I know she loves me, but at this point in my life I am unsure of weather that is enough.
Digit, I hope you can relate to what I am saying. If I made my post too much about me I'm sorry, but I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from, no matter your final decision. Forgot to log in, I'm Shamrock.
Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:59 am
Digit Guest
No, I know exactly where you are coming from. All this tension builds up, but then we will spend real time together and none of it seems to matter. That is why this is so hard. We love eachother, but sometimes that really isn't enough.
Fri Sep 21, 2007 6:33 am
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
Have either of you talked to your girlfriends and told them how this makes you feel?
I have been thinking about this alot lately. I am freshly out of the closet after hiding in there for 20 years (I'm 40) and I always thought I could handle a relationship with someone who was still closeted, because that fear is still so fresh in my mind. I know how hard it is to come out. But now that I am comletely out (or 98%) I really balk at the thought of having to live like that again. I'm not sure I could handle it.
I guess it would depend on how much I loved that person, but like you both said, I also think it is a very personal decision that everyone deals with in their own time. The problem here is that it isn't just their issue anymore, it also becomes yours because it affects your life.
I really think you both need to sit down with your girlfriends and discuss this whole situation as rationally as possible. They need to at least know how you feel, because it affects you too.
Good luck.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Fri Sep 21, 2007 6:45 am
Guest
I've attempted to talk to her on a few occasions. Honestly, at this point I see this being a deal breaker for me/us. I mean, it has already been that. The thing is, no matter what she tells me, I do not personally believe she is ready to come out, or that under the current circumstances she will make the attempt. She will be living in her parents home for the next year as she attends college, and I can not see her wanting to live in a strained environment like that.
I guess I'm just torn up at the moment because I've started to come to the realization that even having contact with her is like throwing my heart into a fire. Two weeks ago, I was just starting to think, "hey you know what, I might be okay on my own". Then our contact got more frequent and we spent the weekend together. Forgive me, I'm realitively inexperienced and I can't help but want to throw a temper tantrum at the idea of having to walk away yet again. I will make a serious attempt to talk to her before I do anything rash though.
Sun Sep 23, 2007 2:59 am
Guest
Sorry that's me, Shamrock, again. Always forget to log in.
Sun Sep 23, 2007 3:01 am
smartgrl
Joined: 12 Oct 2007
Posts: 22
Location: Jax, FL
Hello.. I'm new here.. this is my first post.....
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years now... until a year and a half ago... she hadn't come out to anyone ( although quite frankly if people didn't know..they must be idiots .. seeing as we've lived together all this time..have a house and four dogs ).
At any rate.. she's always been uncomfortable about coming out to anyone.... she is from Kentucky.. and her family is pretty unaccepting of things like this.... and I too never wanted to push her. The problem was... that after about 2yrs together ... I didn't want to be in the closet anymore..and told all my family..and most of my friends..and always had to be worried it would get back to her family/friends.
Finally a yr and a half ago.. we had a talk about having kids... me getting invitro as some point..and I said I wouldn't do it ... unless she told her parents about us.. so she did..and it didn't go well as expected... they were jerks for about a year and are now coming around... and being nicer to me again...but still never really refer to our relationship.
Shortly after this.. one of her friends started hinting to me that she just wanted to ask about it...and after some poking/prodding....and I confirmed it...and she said that this specific clique of my gf's friends already knew..because they aren't stupid... but were just waiting and wondering why she never felt comfortable telling them.
After informing my gf of this.. it's nice that we can be out around some of her friends.... but still not all. Since this initial coming out to her parents.. she's told a few of her softball team members that are also lesbians... but still hasn't told all of them.. including one friend she has had forever ( and like I said..this friend is stupid if she doesn't know ).
At any rate... the reason I told you all of this.. is that if you plan on staying together.. you may as well bring it up to her.. because if you tell her how you feel.. maybe it will get her thinking about coming out one day. And if you've been together for 2 yrs... I'm pretty sure that at least some of her friends have figured it out..and are just waiting for her to be comfortable enough to say something. Quite frankly..if a friend has a problem w/ someone being a lesbian..they aren't a real friend at all
Since she is living at home for the next year though... she might want to wait to tell the parents until she has an alternate living arrangement setup..just in case.. or wait til she moves out... and just tell friends first...
Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:42 am
coconut
Joined: 13 Feb 2006
Posts: 238
I have been there but I didn't have the same feelings.
We spent a great deal of time together, we went out together, we spent time with her family and all that. She has not come out to her family but it has never bothered me.
I was fortunate to have a family that I knew would have no issue with whatever I do but I also understand her fear of what the family would say if she told them.
Frankly I don't announce to god and everyone either.
I decided right from the very beginning that if she is not comfortable telling someone about us then who am I to make a big deal of it. She loves me then that is all I need to know. _________________
Wishing you were
somehow here again
wishing you were
somehow near
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed
somehow you would
be here
Fri Oct 12, 2007 5:33 am
goddessofadanac
Joined: 17 May 2006
Posts: 25
Location: Ontario Canada
digit .. im having the same issue right now.. and i dont know what to do either.. we actually live together my gf her parents and sister.. i often wonder if they know.. since we both are together ALL THE TIME and dont have bfs... so your not alone in this.. i may end up ending our relatinship..it would be hard because we have lived together for over a year now... but i hope you find answers ill be here looking for them to along with you and im sure many other people!! _________________ Me
Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:03 am
Eia
Joined: 06 Dec 2007
Posts: 34
i kinda see your story from an opposing standpoint, b/c in my relationship, i was the one that wasnt out. and my gf absolutely hated it, and would threaten me with leaving me and such, and really, that just made it worse. altimatums never help.
It was when she told me that although she prefered me to come out, it didnt matter, b/c she was with me threw it all, that i was truly able to let go, and tell my family- knowing that she was going to be there to pick me up once i fell.
so my advice would just be, to let her know how u feel, loose the thoughts of leaving her if you really love her, and just give her the 100% unconditional support that she needs
Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:22 pm
Guest
At the risk of being a bit controversial...
...I suppose that it greatly depends on the reasons why a person chooses not to tell everyone about their relationship - it is indeed a tragedy when people place social acceptance above their own happiness and if these girls are made unhappy by their secret then coming out should of course be encouraged...
..but otherwise, is it not ultimately up to them to come out when they choose. Relationships do rely on both parties being happy with the arrangement but then why is it that one person should try and force another to do something they aren't comfortable with?
There are many forms of relationships that are 'frowned upon' - those between people of varying ages, nationalities, races or more trivial (or MORE socially unacceptable issues than homosexuality) so this problem is not limited to gay couples. I'm sure everyone has had a partner that they have been reluctant to introduce to their friends, or that due to personal circumstances it is seen as less stressful to be truly open about.
Of course I sympathise where there is a lot of interaction with the families/friends who do not know, but being the kind of person who generally happens to keep my romantic and platonic relationships quite separate, as well as living far away from my family, my viewpoint must be pretty narrow-sighted.
Sorry, perhaps this isn't very coherent but I just thought I would bring an alternative view into the discussion.
I truly hope that you and your partners resolve these issues and have a long and happy relationship! x
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