So, the tears finally came. The really heart wrenching, gut stomping, your whole body is shaking, tears. I feel cleansed, a little, and lighter, but sad. I feel really deeply sad. I came over to what is now Eric's apartment to get the last of my things. I'm here now. And I'm looking at how he's tried to cleanse the place of me. It's sparse, worse than before, except for the things that he tried to keep. A trinket here, a box of childhood photographs of me there. I've come across them, and packed them and the finality of it is making my whole body ache.
I'm just not used to it. I don't know how to feel this way. I'm not like you. I'm not a deep and emotional person. Or at least I wasn't. I had everything together. It was neat and tidy and organized. All I want to do right now is tear everything out of its box and throw it into the air, to scatter it to the wind and start over with nothing but these new found emotions. But it's terrifying to see all these colors, just a little brighter, because I have no idea where I've been. Where have I been?
Maybe that's why I'm telling you this. I feel like you're the first person I've met in a long, long time that I've met as myself. Not the old, boarded up Bridget, but this new naked me that I'm afraid to let loose on the world. I couldn't pretend with you if I tried, and I appreciate the fact that, at least a little, I think you see through me.
I wasn't sure this would come. I had started to think that things had maybe been over for so long that I didn't have any feelings left to have. I was starting to wonder if I was a lost cause. But I think that I'm not. I feel like I have some of my passion back, and it's a huge relief, because it's been gone an awfully long time. But it hurts so bad, like it's a new disease that I have no antibody to. And I guess the first one will have to be a doozy, but maybe next time I'll be just a little more immune. I know I told you once that, like guilt was your easy emotion, apathy was mine. You reacted by telling me that it was awful to be the person that was on the receiving end of apathy. I know that I've hurt so many people with my apathy, my unwillingness to make a distinction between sympathy and pity. I have so much to give! And I don't know why I've never been able to give it, why everyone I've ever gotten close to I've managed to hurt - how I've almost always done the escaping, when I should have just stood my ground. I stand my ground in so many other situations. But not when my heart is on the line.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying. But you said last night that you would always listen, no matter what it was that I had to say. It's not something that you need to reply to unless you want to. It was just something that I needed to say out loud, and something that I guess I wanted to share. Part of me is sorry that our friendship started out like it did, because I fear that it might ruin it before it even has a chance to start. I think that you're absolutely beautiful, but I should know better then to let that justify the way I behaved. And I can put that all aside, as attracted to you as I am, because I think knowing each other is important. It's so much more important. And I think you said something pretty similar last night, and I hope you meant it. We collided the way we did for a reason, and I like to think that it was to wipe away all the extraneous bullshit from the very beginning. So all that's left is what's real, and two people that guard themselves so heavily in albeit different ways, maybe won't be able to hide from each other. And I think those are pretty decent building blocks for a friendship. And I look forward to building on them.
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