Hi - just stumbled over this message board. I'm a mess. I'm married - 2 kids - she's married - 2 kids...she's my best friend. In a "nutshell" - We met about a year ago - became very, very close friends, very, very quickly. Then I start having these feelings for her I don't really understand. We are very physical (lots of hugs - some "platonic" friend kissing) - her life is very chaotic (problems w/ hubby, kids, family, etc.). Then out of the blue she tells me she is having fantasies about me - brought me up during sex with her hubby. I tell her it's ok - I understand. She sounded so relieved. And then she kissed me and it was different - very different - from the other kisses - I held her - it was beautiful. A couple weeks later, we kissed again. This time much more sensual and I initiated it. Then I think she got scared. Her family said they "don't like the way I look at her when I don't think anyone's looking." According to everyone else we spend WAY too much time together - talk WAY too long on the phone. My husband said, "it's like you're in love with her." Over time (months) she did a complete about face and now she says she never thinks about it - the feelings - whatever they were (she doesn't know) - are completely gone. She says she thinks she was acting on the signals I was giving her. Most (not all) of the physical parts of our friendship she's holding back. She does still hug me. She desperately tries not to do anything that will give me the wrong signals. She says she wants to be best friends - she wants to share everything w/ me - she wants to be there for each other - but - she wants to hold her marriage (as shakey as it is) together.....and I do to - BUT - I am completely IN LOVE w/ her! She drives me crazy!!! She's so beautiful. My therapist says we are having an "emotional affair". At this point, I'm not anywhere close to walking away from my current lifestyle - my family - my husband - but I'm in love w/ my best friend. I'm so scared and so confused. I've had fleeting sexual thoughts about woman in the past - but nothing that's ever completely controlled me like this is doing right now. Not an hour goes by of my day when I don't think about her. It's a total source of stress if I don't talk to her every day. This confusion (among other things) catapulted me into a depressive state - hense the therapist. I can't walk away from our relationship - she's my best friend and I'd rather have that than nothing at all - but I'm going crazy inside - she's captured my heart and it's literally aching as I'm writing this. I've tried to think about how it would be if we could really be together and I don't even know if I would pursue that even if she wanted to. I really do love my husband, my life & I don't know if I could/would ever give that up. I'm very confused - stressed out about it - and just need a little support.........
Tue Jan 02, 2007 1:21 am
Valkyria
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 18
Location: Washington state
*sighs* What a situation... and how familiar it sounds. In my case, neither one of us were married but we had both been very straight up until we met eachother and found ourselves overwhelmed with these mutual feelings that we had. My story happened 3 years ago, and up to this day I can't get her out of my mind ... my beautiful soprano who wouldn't give up her life as she knew it because she was too afraid of change and too afraid of the prejudice she might have had to face.
I really don't know what to tell you..I'm usually the one who listens but tries not to give any advice. I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it must be. Having these feelings and desires and having to restrain them for different reasons. It sounds to me like she's afraid of what she feels and she's trying to back out but it's not easy to do because she can't deny herself her emotions.I can also imagine the influence that both your marriages have on this whole situation.It's a delicate context..
I don't know what is in your hearts or how things will work, but I think that restraining feelings and acting as if nothing happened and trying to make it so that nothing ever will happen, will eventually lead to a lot of frustration, reflected mostly on marriage.And most likely, no one will be truly happy.
It's not like you're both teenagers and you could assume it's only an experimental phase of your development process.
Have the two of you talked really openly about this? Lay the cards flat out and try to figure out where you stand? Or are things mainly left unsaid and unspoken of?
I don't know what to say really... Just wanted you to know that I read this and that I think I have a good idea of what it feels like. Glad you decided to post on melswebs.. I hope you find the comfort and understanding you were hoping to find.. _________________
Tue Jan 02, 2007 1:42 am
Guest
I have such a terrible time really truly believing that the connection we had is just *poof* gone from her - it was real - I know it was! We have talked VERY openly about our feelings - she knows how I feel and she tells me she's done a complete 180. My therapist thinks she lying - thinks she's just scared. To complicate things more, we are both Christians and these feelings completely go against everything we've ever been taught & we live in a small town in an area of the country that - well - isn't very openminded. She's hoping my therapist will help me "cope w/ these feelings." Funny - my therapist thinks it's sad and wishes we could be together - says she believes we're soul mates. I really don't know what I think - I only know one thing - I love her.....
Tue Jan 02, 2007 3:00 am
Guest
BTW - thanks for the reply. As the tears are streaming down my face, & my hubby's watching TV on the couch and my kiddies are tucked in bed - it's nice to know somebody's listening and somebody cares and I'm not alone & I'm not a freak.
Tue Jan 02, 2007 3:03 am
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
Hello and welcome to Mels.
First of all, you are NOT a freak. Second of all, you are not alone. I have been in similar situations, except that it was totally one sided, but I certainly understand that unbearable aching need and the frustration that goes along with being able to do nothing about it.
I also don't have much in the way of advice for you. As I see it, you have two choices. (at least this is all I could ever come up with for myself. I sincerely hope someone else comes on and gives better advice) You either stick with it and continue on her terms and savor every moment you have with her, or you cut it off completely and try to get her out of your mind.
I have always been a "savor every moment" kinda gal, but its very hard, as you know.
I do hope you at least find comfort in knowing you are not alone. The women on this site are very wise and many have been in your situation. You have come to the right place, and I hope you find solace here.
I really feel for you, sweetie. Hang in there.
Dp
Tue Jan 02, 2007 4:23 am
Valkyria
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 18
Location: Washington state
I got the same kind of a response back then as well. Denial was all she could present me with. That it was just a phase, that it was just impulse and curiosity.. when we were both well aware that things had beautifully developed over the course of a year.. I was her biggest fan.. I didn't miss one of the concerts/plays she was in.Obviously, I feel like I still bear the trauma she left me with. She eventually decided she wouldn't speak to me at all anymore. I think it was her way of putting safe distance between us.. because in eachother's presence we had a lot of chemistry. I hope this is not what your friend is doing ( granted she didn't shut you out completely), because then she would be depriving you and herself of happiness that you could share and offer to eachother perhaps..
I just don't want to see you ending up like me. No one should have to feel this kind of torment. And above all, you're no freak and you're not alone.. Keep us updated or feel free to send me a message if you want to talk to a perfect stranger who'd really listen. _________________
Tue Jan 02, 2007 5:29 am
fortheloveofagood... Site Admin
Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((guest))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i haven't had this experience but i really feel the pain in your writing.
firstly, i would like to say, please, please, please, give yourself a break, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, and take a very deep long and loved filled breath... and then again... and again...
............
human needs, human wants, human desires, you did not mean to bring yourself to this point, but it has happened, and you
do
have the strength and you have your faith in God, a kind therapist, and women here, to help you through, to help you come out the other side of this period of awakening. It seems like an awakening to me, even a re-awakening, to acknowledging parts of yourself, from where, which source, who knows, but the unknowable, is surfacing....
If you step aside from these 2 points 1) having feelings for someone other than your husband and 2) having feelings for a woman. Can you ask, "What is happening to me?"
These two points are massive barriers and are part of the confusion, but if you stripped away the guilt of the 1st point and the fear of the second one, is it possible to say "what is this about for you on your journey?" to simply see yourself in the process of emotional growth and ask, what do you need? where do you want to be? who are you?
I know everyone's faith is different, and we all have to live within different societal rules, but for me, i always say when i feel "lost", my higher power, God has greater plan, i just do not know what it is right now. I also ask, does my fear come from a real fear or i am simply unable to comprehend a version of "me" that i have yet to get to know, do i belong "here" or do i need to change and become a different me...
As for your friend, her way is not your way and how she is dealing with it, you cannot live, influence her maybe, but ultimately she will have to make her own choices, face herself in her own time, to me, these experiences are all about you and what you need to do to be "true" to who you are, without harsh judgement, but with forgiveness, compassion, love and most of all right now, honesty.
Keep going.
Love
Kx _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
'don't hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement'
~peace comes from knowing only love is real~
Tue Jan 02, 2007 11:55 am
sybilnutz
Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 14
Location: NY
Thanks!
Got the guts to register - thanks for the support.
Tue Jan 02, 2007 6:21 pm
fortheloveofagood... Site Admin
Joined: 17 Dec 2005
Posts: 2216
Location: loves land of plenty
'don't hate your enemies, it clouds your judgement'
~peace comes from knowing only love is real~
Tue Jan 02, 2007 6:23 pm
sybilnutz
Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 14
Location: NY
Kx - you weren't exactly subtle about the "guest" thing!
Tue Jan 02, 2007 6:49 pm
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
YAY!!! I'm glad your really here now.
By the way, when your name is in parenthesis like that, it means a hug. The more of them, the bigger the hug. Forthe was just giving you a big hug cause you sounded like you needed it. Here's one from me.
Ah - thanks - yeah I could use one. Don't have a ton of experience on these boards. Thanks for the welcome. It's nice here - feels very safe & comforting.
Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:35 pm
Red_hot_lover
Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 5
Location: Los Angeles CA
Welcome, sybil. I'm new too, enjoyed your honesty in your very first post.
You go, girl!
Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:50 pm
Loretta
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 70
Location: Somewhere.
It's funny how the act of registering has such a a symbolic load on it. It's like you starting to hear that voice in your head telling you, "YES! SOMETHING'S going on that you can't trhow behind your back because it's REAL, so ASSUME for yourself once and for all, you're loving a woman!"
That's what it meant for me at least
Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:52 pm
Ecntrc
Joined: 13 Jan 2007
Posts: 31
Location: hawaii
whats up
well. im in the same situation. although seems like yours was more outspoken to tell you how she was feeling. unlike mine she just ignored me, threw me on the side and just decided to forget about me. my husband noticed and was like, are you and her mad at eachother? i noticed she dosent talk to you.. even when were at her house and im like i dont know why i noticed that too. i tried bringing it up to her but she blocks it out and says 'your leaving', meaning im moving back home BUT i had asked her a couple weekends before that what this was with us and stuff and one minute shes like kiss me kiss me, i kiss her and then i ask her again and then shes like i love my husband i love my husband and im like ok. so what?? she takes it in passion to leave me clueless. its liek a game for her. she always makes jokes towards me and laughs after. i think one time her husband told her to shut up and leave me alone. i fell in love with this girl as she told me she loved me too. that made me fall even more. what hurts most is that she loves to just push me away. we dont talk on the phone. whatever happened before is ignored and never talked about. whenever i email her or anything she ignores me. i also think she ignores my calls. we were suppose to go to her house last night and her husband and mine and all the kids went with the boys adn we went to the gym but i had a feeling she didnt want me to come over. we had another friend with us that dosent live that far away from me and i had a feeling that she didnt want to be alone with me. i mean it hurts like a witch you know. like i dont matter. what happened dosent matter. i think a week ago or maybe two weeks ago, something happened with my husband and i, were always arguing, not around her or anything, but this time it happened at her house and she pulled me into the bathrom and shes like he loves you and you just need to learn to shut your mouth blah blah blah.. then i said but what about you. and me. and shes like i fell back in love with my husband and im like why didnt you tell me earlier? shes like i dont know. or id ont even think she said anything. again left me with unanswered questions. why did you ignore me?? why leave me hurting? why??? why?... i wrote all this to let you know that your not the only one hurting. i am too. and my thing is i just have to let all these feelings go... because nothing is going to happen, ever again. and thats sad because i always did things for her. always made sure she got what she needed. always. i did so much for her. i told her id take care of her kids and her if we left our husbands not because for eachother but because of problems. but i guess now shes fallen back in love with her husband, which i dont think that was it. it hink it was that she i dont know didnt want me anymore. saw how serious i was being and threw me aside. thing is i wasnt the one that initiated anything. it was all her. crappy. but know im alway shere to talk if you want!!!
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Gallery
FAQ
Profile PM's 
