I’m new here. I need some advice. I know this is long, but if someone, anyone, can take the time to read this and tell me their thoughts I would appreciate it so very much.
Here’s my story:
I met my best friend online about two years ago. I never thought I would fall in love with her. But I did. I am deeply, madly, passionately in love with her.
Let me go back to the beginning.
We met when I was going through a very rough time in my life. I was in a deep depression and she recognized that. We met on a message board (not this one) and she began to slowly reassure me that I was worth something. She opened up to me about her life and how she went through something similar and told me that her friends got her through it. We would talk on the phone all the time and every night in IM.
I admired her so much. I trusted her. I opened up to her. We were the best of friends. I even got on a plane twice this year to go visit her (she lives so far away).
The first time I went to see her, she just held me all the time. I felt so loved in her arms. So complete. So warm. And comfortable. I never in my life felt this way towards anyone. Not even with my family. It was like I was alive for the first time in my life.
After I came back home we got much closer. She would talk to me about so many private things. She opened up so much more to me, and I to her. She knows all my secrets. And I know hers.
There were so many signs that she was attracted to me. She would make comments about how beautiful I was and tell me she loved me all the time. I would do the same for her. She would make jokes about becoming a lesbian (she has a live-in boyfriend) and I myself never thought of myself as a lesbian or gay at all. Until, that is, my last visit to her home a few months ago.
One day when her boyfriend was at work, we went out to lunch and got drunk. We came back to her house and we both lay on her bed. We were lying there face to face and she just held me. I felt so loved. I never wanted that feeling to go away. I looked in her eyes and she looked in mine. It was like we were both thinking the same thing. Then she asked me if I ever saw Girls Gone Wild and saw any lesbian porn. I said I saw the commercials but never saw the video of it. We stared at each other some more. I got scared and looked away. She held me closer. And the moment seemed to last forever. Then we heard the car door and she jumped out of bed very quickly.
On my last night there, I asked her if I could sleep in her bed (with her boyfriend) because I just wanted to be held one last time before we departed. She and her boyfriend agreed. We all slept very peacefully without incident.
Then, in the morning, my last day there, we all just lay there. Half asleep but not you know? And she was breathing very heavy, but she was awake. And it was really turning me on. I was lying on one side of her pressed against her body (she was on her back I was sort of on my side) and her boyfriend was on the other side of her. She and I were pressed almost stomach to stomach, and it seemed like she was trying to push on my body a little. So I pushed back. This went on for a few minutes. I opened my eyes and noticed that her boyfriend was still sleeping and she had her eyes closed but she was smiling. She seemed to be enjoying it so I continued.
Then her boyfriend, without noticing what I was doing at all, put his hands under the covers and started to rub her. So she stopped responding to me so as to not drawn any attention to the situation. I looked at her and her eyes were still closed. So were his. I couldn’t continue what I was doing, but I did remain where I was, completely unsatisfied.
Afterwards, we got up and I couldn’t believe what I had done. I didn’t know what she was thinking or feeling and I was completely embarrassed and ashamed. I thought I just ruined my friendship with her. So I pulled her aside and cried and told her I was so very sorry for what I just did. She told me that it was okay. She pulled my face near hers and made me look into her eyes. She said it was okay. That’s I all needed to hear from her. I believed her. But it was at this moment that I completely fell for her.
I got home and the first two weeks I was back, we talked in IM. I confessed to her that I loved her and not just in a best friend kind of way and she did the same. She told me that she was physically attracted to me and that she would have went farther sexually if she knew that was what I had wanted but she was scared that I didn’t want that. We talked about the possibility of us “being together” but that she couldn’t right now because of her boyfriend. I completely understood and none of that really bothered me. But she seemed fairly open to the idea, even made some suggestions on how to go about it. She was so intimate with me. So open. I felt so good about myself and our friendship. She even confessed that she had an orgasm that morning when the three of us were laying in bed and that she wished her boyfriend hadn’t interrupted us.
And then everything went to shit.
She avoided me for a week, which was odd because we talked every day in IM. I got worried and emailed her about my concerns. She ignored me for another week. I cried every day, thinking that I just ruined my friendship by confessing my love to her.
She finally contacted me and told me just what I had feared. She told me that she had lied about wanting to be with me. She lied about being attracted to me and about how she wanted to be with me. Basically she said she lied because she was scared of hurting me. So instead of turning me down gently, she created this elaborate lie to make *me* feel better. She told me that I had freaked her out and that while she loved me, she didn’t love me “that” way and that even though the thought had crossed her mind, she would never had gone through with it in the end. I felt that everything she was saying to me right then was a lie because I “felt” it. I saw it in her eyes that morning.
I was crushed.
Now, she has completely cut me out of her life. She won’t answer my emails or my calls. She is completely ignoring my existence. I miss her so much I cry myself to sleep every night. I miss her embrace. I miss everything about her. She has just left me alone after helping me through such a dark time in my life. She has abandoned me. Because I made a mistake. I feel like I turned our friendship into something dirty. I’m so embarrassed.
Sorry this is so long but I wanted to explain things as much as possible. I know none of you know me or her but I’d like some input on this.
Is it possible that she lied about wanting to be with me? How can she fake something like that? The look in her eyes. Is it possible? How can she say she had an orgasm and talk to me about such intimate things if none of it was true? Was she lying then or is she lying now? My heart tells me she is lying now. I think she just got scared.
I don’t think I am a lesbian. I’m not attracted to girls. Just her. I think I just got attracted to her because we were so close emotionally. I grew attached to her. I admired her. And my feelings just sort of caught me by surprise. They caught her by surprise too but she responded to them. Or, at least I thought she did.
The signs were there. Did I misread them?
Now, I’m alone and confused trying to deal with these feelings of attraction for her and the fact that I ruined a perfect friendship and how she just abandoned me like that.
Does anyone have any advice? Thoughts of wisdom? I had no where else to turn. Please help.
Sun Aug 19, 2007 3:23 am
realwoman
Joined: 05 Dec 2005
Posts: 1040
Location: under our tree in Africa
Dear Willow
First of all, pleased to meet you, and WELCOME TO MELS!!!
Secondly, I read your story, and it reminded me so much of my own, I cannot help but reply.
Let me tell you my story. When i was about 30, I met this woman at work, when I started at a new job. After about 3 months, we were vast friends. We quickly became best friends. We would go for drinks after work every Friday, and more often than not, I would go over to her and her husbands house afterwards to eat there. We could talk the night away, and would continue chatting long after he went to bed. Yes, I also trusted her with things that other ppl did not know about me. I loved her as a friend, as that was, in my mind, the only love that could exist between women. Some mornings, driving back, I thought about all of this, and the sexual tension that there was between us, and I wondered about it, because it did not make sense to me. She loved her husband, he was a great guy, but there was something else, something I did not have a name for...
This friendship continued for about six years. Even after both of us no longer worked at the same place, and I moved to a different town, we continued to talk almost on a daily basis, and seeing each other at least once a month. Usually, it would be me going over to their place. I must admit, I even neglected my family other friends to be with her. In hindsight, I fell in love with her, but at that stage, I would never have admitted it, because there is NO WAY that I could be lesbian... I could not even bring myself to say the word,
One day, on her 35th birthday, she had a big party, and since I lived two hours drive away, I was to stay over at their place and drive back the next day. The two of us were sitting behind their bar counter, serving drinks, chatting, and she stoked my back, sorta absent-mindedly. I was startled, but did not show any reaction. Later that night, she asked me to dance with her. (Unlike other cultures, this is a strange thing in our culture). She pressed her body into me, and we danced real close (she put on a very slow and romantic song for this dance). After all the guests had left, we were still sitting there, chatting. Her husband came to check on us, and she said he should go on to bed. He turned around, but not before I saw the hurt puppy-dog look in his eyes. We continued chatting to the early hours of the morning. and as she was quite tipsy, i held her when we eventually walked back to the house. At the door of my bedroom, she thanked me, and leaned forward, and held me in her arms, and kissed me.
As i turned around, I stopped in my tracks. This was no ordinary kiss between friends. It burned me. I could barely sleep. I went home the next day, and she called me two days later, saying that her husband is going away on a hunting trip, and she needs me to come over and stay with her, as she is scared to be alone on the smallholding they live on. On the face of it, there was nothing strange to this request, as I had slept over before, sometimes even when her husband was not there. But I knew.
I could barely wait for the week to pass. When I arrived there, I brought her flowers and we each had a glass of wine. SHe had pizza in the oven, which burned while we were chatting. This never happened before. SHe takes great pride in her cooking. After each having two glasses of wine and a slice of burned pizza, she said she was tired, and we went to the house. At the door of the guestroom, she asked me to join her in her bed, so that she could set the alarm on the groundfloor, and let the dogs in the house. Good reason, so yes, i joined her in her bedroom. As i put on my Tshirt to sleep in, she was all over me. We kissed and hugged, and yes, made love.
The next day, she tried to avoid my eyes. She said it never should have happened, she is not a lesbian, and neither am I, and that she was drunk, and that what had happened between us freaked her out. I was devastated, because what happened was beautiful to me, and she wanted to deny that it ever happened.
As our friendship was precious to me, I wrote her a letter, and I went along with her denial. She however, started to avoid me, acting indifferent, She ignored the letter I wrote her as well. Yes, I was crushed too. I felt that I lost something precious, that I literally 'fucked up' a beautiful friendship. No matter what I tried, there was this 'barrier' between us. Her denial of what was beautiful of that night, and of our 6 year friendship, irrespective what happened, really hurt me. In the end (this is a long and sad story), she even misused my efforts to restore our friendship against me. I saw a side of her I have not realised existed before.
quote:Originally posted by Willow:
Is it possible that she lied about wanting to be with me? How can she fake something like that? The look in her eyes. Is it possible? How can she say she had an orgasm and talk to me about such intimate things if none of it was true? Was she lying then or is she lying now? My heart tells me she is lying now. I think she just got scared.
I don’t think I am a lesbian. I’m not attracted to girls. Just her. I think I just got attracted to her because we were so close emotionally. I grew attached to her. I admired her. And my feelings just sort of caught me by surprise. They caught her by surprise too but she responded to them. Or, at least I thought she did.
The signs were there. Did I misread them?
Now, I’m alone and confused trying to deal with these feelings of attraction for her and the fact that I ruined a perfect friendship and how she just abandoned me like that.
In relation to your questions above, the long and short of all of this, is the following:
My best friend denied what happened between us, and by doing so, did not have the integrity that I thought she had. She lied to me, and to herself. She definately did not fake what happened that night. Her denial afterwards was probably because she was scared of what I made her feel. Although at that stage it felt to me like I ruined the friendship, it takes two to tango... she gave the signals, I followed them.
Also, our sexuality is fluid... in the end, we are all human beings, who connect emotionally and intellectually. Don't let the sexuality of the person you fall in love with bother you that much... after all, it is just a label of society. I did not think I was a lesbian, until i fell in love with my best friend. After this happened, I had a big conflict in myself... What does this mean? I am NOT lesbian, etc etc. It took me about six months after to finally admit to myself that I was, indeed lesbian, simply because I prefer the emotional and intellectual stimulation of woman, and that is what firstly attracts me to ppl. At the age of 37, I made peace with who I was, and it was like a huge burden of my shoulders.
Through all of this, I have leaned one thing: Some ppl are in our lives for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. This woman, who I loved dearly, was in my life for reason: to make me face my own reality. She prepared me for the woman who is now in my life, for a lifetime. Although she hurt me and broke my heart, without her, I would not have found the woman of my dreams, the person I want to share the rest of my life with.
I dont know if my reply will help you much. I hope you find peace in your heart. On the meantime, remember, we are here, and you can press on our buttons for support, anytime..
Huge hugs
~real _________________ .
.
light is to darkness as love is to fear...
Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:42 pm
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
I just want to say I understand that empty, aching, and confused feeling when the person you have become so close to, even if only just online, suddenly isn't talking to you and you don't know what is really happening in their mind. You question everything and it just makes you feel so lost. My emotions are all over the place and I feel like its driving me kind of insane.
My story is a bit different than yours, but I just wanted you to know that I understand. You aren't alone.
Stay strong, hon.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Sun Aug 19, 2007 8:03 pm
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
Thank you both for responding. I guess I just needed to hear that I wasn't alone. Because I *feel* so alone.
I can't talk to anyone about this. The only person I want to talk to isn't speaking to me at the moment.
It's very hard to cope every day knowing what I have done ruined my friendship with her. I wish it never happened. I should not have acted on my attraction to her. I think we would still be friends then.
I feel dirty and ashamed.
I regret what I did. I just want my best friend back. I miss her so much.
ETA: I'd like to join the chat room at some point but I'm afraid. I'm afraid everyone in there is so close and knows everyone else and having a newbie in there decreases the fun. I don't want to crash a party or anything. I just thought talking to people might help me through this a little. And I would like to meet new friends who can understand, if not relate to what has (or *is*) happening to me at this point in my life.
Sun Aug 19, 2007 8:15 pm
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
If you wander around Mels for awhile, you will read tons of posts about women who agonize over whether to act on their attractions to their best friends or not. I and many of us have been in that situation. The risk of losing that relationship is always what scares us. Sometimes we do lose it, sometimes nothing changes, and sometimes by taking that risk we are rewarded with the start of a beautiful relationship. You just never know.
It sure sounds to me like she was giving you enough clues that she wanted it too, but you have to remember, she still has a boyfriend. Regardless of what she felt for you, she is already in a relationship, and she has to figure out how she feels about that first before she can decide to be with you. That doesn't mean she can't be friends with you, but maybe she is confused right now as to what she wants and is trying to figure it all out.
I'm sorry, hon, like I said, I know how much this hurts, but I don't think you should beat yourself up too much about what happened, because it sounds like it was mutual.
Don't forget to drop into chat if you feel like talking, although be warned, we get a little silly in there.
Hang in there.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Sun Aug 19, 2007 9:00 pm
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
quote:Originally posted by Dark prism:
Don't forget to drop into chat if you feel like talking, although be warned, we get a little silly in there.
Dp
I can't get into chat. I activated my account and when it asked for my password it doesn't seem to want to accept it. Isn't it the same password for the boards?
Sun Aug 19, 2007 9:32 pm
trusting fool
Joined: 09 Aug 2007
Posts: 91
Location: um illinois but longing for new york
willow, actually no it's not the have it send you a password to your email its self generated you can change it once you are in also your story is very touching i too have been there. It sounds to me she is very confused and instead of facing you shes hiding because she doesn't know what she wants. hang in there things will look up everyone here is great lots of good people you can count on. _________________ pouring over photographs, i'm living in your letters, breathing deeply from this envelope it smells like you, and i can't live without that scent.-Dashboard Confessional
Last edited by trusting fool on Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:46 am; edited 1 time in total
Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:44 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
quote:Originally posted by trusting fool:
willow, actually no it's not the have it send you a password to your email its sel generated you can change it once you are in
That's ok. I ended up getting into chat. I don't think I fit in very well. I won't be going back.
Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:46 am
Eilidh Moderators
Joined: 09 Apr 2005
Posts: 1880
Willow,
Firstly, welcome to Mels!
I'm not sure what the problem is with your password, but if you still can't get into chat, you should send a pm to one of the moderators and they should be able to help you through the process.
Regarding your story, real and Dp have offered you more wisdom than I ever could. However, I just wanted to comment that it seems your friend is ignoring you because she lacks the strength to face the fact that she *is* attracted to you and may not know how to deal with everything that means. It sounds like you are stronger than she is in this particular situation. You will either need to wait for her to come to peace with this new part of her (and hopefully then, she will start treating you as a friend again) or you will need to move on. The choice is yours.
~Eilidh
Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:48 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
Thank you all for responding. I really do appreciate it.
Mon Aug 20, 2007 1:54 am
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
Hey Willow,
I'm sorry you didn't feel welcome in chat, but its like any new experience with a bunch of people you don't know, you can feel out of place.
I will make you a deal, how bout we meet there tonight at 10pm my time (Pacific), and then you will know someone---me.
I'll be there, hope you are too.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Mon Aug 20, 2007 3:53 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
My ex-friend has now seen fit to just pretend I don't exist. She told me she needed *time*. She doesn't need *time*. She needed me out of her life. Cut out the temptation.
I don't think, after all we shared friendship-wise, that she even shed one tear over the end of our friendship.
I see her on other boards having a grand time with other people. She is even seen fit to lie to her new found friends and tell them that she is married. She is not married. A few months ago, she was going to dump him. Now she is lying to her new friends and saying that she is married?
She is going on, moving on like nothing happened. It's like our friendship was just something she would rather not think about. Like it was a phase or something. Unworthy of a single tear.
It truly is like I don't exist. The only person in the world I love, and who I thought cared about me, is just acting like I don't exist.
I walk through life now just an empty shell. It's the only thing that keeps me going. It's the only thing keeping me here.
If anybody out there who reads this is on the verge of telling their best friend how you feel, I suggest you don't.
Taking a risk is not worth the loss. If you love your best friend, please, keep it to yourself. Living a lie is much better than this pain of a broken heart.
Trust me.
Wed Sep 05, 2007 2:19 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
Well I finally heard back from her after 3 months of silence.
She wants nothing to do with me.
I am broken.
Wed Sep 12, 2007 1:04 am
SKYY
Joined: 10 Aug 2007
Posts: 57
Location: western, ma. usa
i can totally sympathize with you... my first three "gf's" did pretty much the exact same thing to me. yes the first THREE.. not one, not two, but THREE...
the stories are the same (which makes me wonder if they didnt all know eachother and plan it as a sick joke)... i met them in various places either online or through school. they would profess their love for me (not to sound cocky or anything, but this is why i sympathize, ITS CONFUSING), tell me they wanted to be with me forever so on and so on....
and then just as soon as we really started getting close and the thought of doing anything beyond kissing came up, they'd leave without a word... one of them went so far as to transfer schools!
there was also no way they were just 'experimenting', or whatever lame excuses they gave me because all of these girls were gay then and are still gay now! still dating girls... (and at the risk of really making myself sound cocky), their gf's dont hold a candle to me. meaning the way that they allowed themselves to be talked to and used most times for a place to stay just made me sick. i dont know if girls are afraid of me because im a loving individual who is the perfect combination of butch and femme (i can hit a softball and walk a runway), or if i did something really bad in a past life to someone and karma has come to kick my ass...
anyways thats my story, we should start a brokenhearts club or something...
stay strong girlie, im pulling for ya
Thu Sep 13, 2007 5:43 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
Update:
I still feel broken. I can't seem to get my emotional health back after what happened to me.
It has been 4 months since my friend betrayed me. And there hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't cry late at night because I miss her so much.
I have cut myself off from everyone I know. Family and friends. I'm distant to them. They don't ask. I don't tell. I hide my pain. Inside I am broken. I feel so broken inside.
The one thing I want in this world is to be held. And I can't have that. If you've never been held before, if you've never experienced that sense of safety in the arms of someone you love, you probably think I'm being all dramatic. But if you have been held by someone you love, imagine for a moment, that person will never hold you ever again. A knife to the heart would not compare to the pain I feel right now.
I just want someone to hold me. Someone who understands. Someone who doesn't expect anything from me. But I can't have that. I can't have the most simplest thing to ease this pain I feel.
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