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Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
I can't sleep. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling guilty and ashamed for what I have done. The littlest things set me off and I get so angry at the stupidest things. I hang my head in shame and cover my face even when I am alone.
I don't want these feelings. I want no part of it. Trying to forget is extremely difficult. I want more than anything to take it all back. Take back my actions. Take back my words. Keep them locked in the back of my head where they should have stayed. Where they belonged. I had no right to do what I did.
I don't know why I still come here. I don't know why I still read threads knowing, sensing, feeling that I just don't belong here. But I have no where else to go. I can't tell anyone what I am feeling. The last time I did that, she ran away from me. After telling me what she wanted to do to me . . . with me, after I confessed my feelings for her, I got rejected. Not just rejected, but abandoned. By my best friend.
I just feel completely broken. I feel like I am in a glass cage looking out at the world around me. A world I don't fit into and a world I don't belong in. It's so much safer on the annoymous end of a message board. I don't have to look anyone in the eye and feel shame face to face. I put myself in this hell. I said and did something that was so against my nature, so against my beliefs, yet felt so strongly about, because I thought I loved her and all that I am left with is hurt and tears.
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I am feeling. I'm so confused and so alone. And I hurt. I want my best friend back and I can't have her back. I blew it. I put my feelings on the line, took a chance, jumped and hit the ground hard.
She said those things to me. I know it. I felt it. Yet she said it was all a lie so she wouldn't hurt me. She made it all up. All the things about wanting to be with me. Experiencing these feelings for the first time and trying to convey them to the person you love who says and acted as if she felt the same only to be told it was all a lie has left me with such a bad taste in my mouth about what love really truly is. How can you ever tell? I thought I knew. I felt it when I was in her arms. How can that not be it? If that wasn't it, nothing ever will be. Nothing ever will be. I loved her wrong. That's what it feels like. My love for her is wrong.
Sorry I wasted your time for whoever decided to read this self-pity post.
Maybe now I can get some sleep tonight.
"Please God make me a stone." River Tam.
Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:05 am
ladybug
Joined: 31 Jan 2006
Posts: 138
Location: southern virginia
I wish I had something magical to say to make you feel better about things, but sadly I don't. Just know that we have all been hurt at some point and eventually it does get better. The pain may never completely go away, but aren't our experiences (both the good ones and the bad ones) what makes us who we are. You will find someone who loves you for who you are. Cry if you need to, feel sorry for yourself...it's all part of the process of healing.
Things will get better.
*ladybug
Wed Nov 14, 2007 3:33 pm
Guest
Hey Willow, like your alias.
You sound depressed as hell to me. That is the distressing part, not what happened between you and your friend.
Listen your actions were not out of the ordinary. They were in reality very human of you. You were attacted to someone, you felt love for them, you wanted a deeper initmacey with them, and you pursued it. Good for you! You are not a horrible person, not in the least. What you have done in your posts is magnify your irrational feelings.
Just beause you feel shame does not mean you deserve to feel it! Your ex-friend's rejection of you does not determine your worth. You are, with or without her, a decent loving person. You demonstarted that by reaching out to her. She rejected you, that decision was hers and based on her ability at the time. In no way should it continue to run your life. Pick yourself up and do what you need to do to start loving yourself. It stopped being about her a long time ago. You are the one that matters! Not her.
Hugs and lots of love,
Shamrock
Thu Nov 15, 2007 3:38 am
laurakate (BANNED)
Joined: 12 Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Location: UK, Manchester
I could really relate to that story,
it's so easy to start falling for a presumably straight friend who makes you feel so loved. I can really relate as i have a similar situation going on in my life right now. I'm so sorry to hear that she wont return your efforts of contact. Hmmm i dont think i can offer any profound advice but i just want you to know that you're not alone on this one and i hope you're ok as you can be owing to the circumstances bless you
Laura :)xx
Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:18 pm
iloveyou_but do you feel
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 107
Location: can
aww this is such a sad post. why does it seem like whenever relationships get a little more serious, girls pull out!!
now im scared to tell my friend who i like............im not out yet. the only person who knows im gay is my brother and some online friends but that's it.
that's the worst feeling...to have the person u like say they like u and do all the stuff and the next day, they don't want u anymore. like WTF. maybe they're just scared.....and can't face the truth. so pretty much they're in denial. i mean, i don't blame them, becuase being gay IS so hard....but it's nothing u can hide from. so i just don't get why they do that. it's so messed up.
Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:36 pm
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
I haven't been here in a while. I have been, well, uh, been hiding from just about eveyone and everything *friend* and *socially* related since my best friend abandoned me.
The good news is, I don't cry every night now.
The bad news is, I still cry when I think about her, so I just . . . don't. Or I try not to at least. It's the only thing that gets me through the day. NOT thinking about her, that is.
I ended up going on a message board I know she frequents and decided to write her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Private Message on Christmas Eve. I had a moment of weakness. I told her that I missed her and loved her unconditionally . . . still. I didn't get a response. I wasn't holding my breath for one, but I did still have hope in a tiny corner in my heart.
Her birthday is next week. I would like to send her a present, but I know that if it was intercepted by that asshat she lives with, he would throw it out. And even if he didn't intercept it, she would probably just get mad at the gesture seeing as she hasn't spoken to me or acknowledged my existence since last June. How silly of me to want to give a birthday present to a person who hasn't spoken to me in almost 7 months now. I'm having a really hard time letting go internally, but on the outside I function like a normal human being. I go to work, eat, sleep, even occasionally talk to people who cross my path. But I still don't feel whole. I don't think I ever will.
And that's the update.
Thu Jan 31, 2008 2:04 am
lone_wondering_wolfess Guest
It's been forever since I'v been here, so i'm just going to post here as a guest.
I'v never been completely, flat-out ignored by someone I love that much...But I do have this to say. I have a feeling she just told you she lied to save you and herself. Men tend to be...Possessive, as i'm sure alot of you know. That look you saw in her eyes was real, but she doesn't want her husband catching on. That's why she's avoiding you. Apparently he must be the kind that makes it to where nothing that is his wife's business is sacred. Trust me. My dad is the same way. Like I said before, I haven't been completely ignored but I do have a semi-similar story if you have time for one.
I, like so many others here, fell in love with one of my best friends. Back then I always considered my best friend to be Mariah since I knew her the most out of the girls I met last year, my Kitty being one of them. As the weeks went by I noticed I had a deeper connection with Kitty than with Mariah. Don't get me wrong, I loved Mariah to death, just not that way. I didn't love Kitty that way either back then. At least I thought I didn't.
All last year just about i'd suffer with depression attacks in class because I was fighting a raging war inside myself. One part of me knew I was attracted to girls, but the other part didn't want to admit it because it knew i'd get ridiculed, made fun of, have rumors started about me, I didn't know how my mom would react, didn't know how my other friends would react, any of it. Despite all that, the first part was winning. Finally, I got fed up with it. I had bi/les/gay friends who weren't afraid of what people thought, so why should I? I finally just said screw it and accepted it. Before I had let myself completely accept the fact that I liked girls more than guys, Kitty called me when I was in the hospital and told me she was bi (I was in the hospital since I had my appendix removed). I didn't really know how to respond. It didn't bother me in the least, I just...didn't know what to say.
Well, one night she was finally allowed to come over to stay the night with me. We went walking after dark around the neighborhood holding hands. When we got back, I started to open the door (my brother was in the house) but she called me back. I shut the screen and went back down to her. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I knew she wanted to kiss me. But...I dunno what was wrong with me, but I just couldn't do it. My brother came out with a paint roller in his hand thinking we were trying to sneak in the house, and me and Kitty sat outside on the lawn chairs for a wile and talked with him before going inside. After that we stayed up chatting with one of her guy friends. I was on the phone with him and she had her arms around my waist and was...Kinda low on my chest and kissing me. It gave me a feeling I never had before, and it was turning me on a bit. After we got off the phone, she pulled me on top of her and tried to kiss me again. I just layed on her chest and couldn't do it. Pretty soon, we fell asleep.
The next school year came around and we saw each other a lot less, but we talked every day on the IM or the phone. Soon I started relizing I felt more torward her than just best friends. We told each other things we'd never told anyone, and since she has major trust issues because of some other incidenses that came up, I was the only one she really opened up to about anything. I watched her go through one bad relationship after another. Guy cheated on her here, another guy was a horndog there, girl who cheated here, you know. One day we were talking on IM and she was firmly convinced she wouldn't find a person who wouldn't leave her either heartbroken, wanting to hunt down the guy and kick his ass, or both. I was telling her that sometimes the perfect match is right under your nose. She agreed, then agreed to be with me.
We've gotten really close, but seeing as rumors have been started, her brother won't keep his mouth shut, my demonic father is trying to stick his nose between us, her mom's a blank, pretty much family and school issues had been making it seriously rough. One day recently she had stayed with me, and before we got in the van to go take her home my dad had called to once again try and drag me all over the creation on a Saturday, which ticked me off but I try to keep my temper around her. We were standing out by the car and she took off the ring I gave her and put it in my palm. Part of me knew what she was doing, but a bigger part hadn't caught up yet. I was trying so hard not to give her that completely heartbroken look. We talked a minute and I told her I could handle it as long as I had her, and she told me she'd be miserable as hell without me, she just wanted me happy. Eventually she took back the ring and she's still with me despite what everybody's saying.
Sorry for the seriously long chapter of my life, but the point is your love is just gonna have to relize that it's who she is. If her husband isn't the one, she doesn't need to let the fear of what he'll think get in the way.
Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:53 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
quote:Originally posted by lone_wondering_wolfess:
I'v never been completely, flat-out ignored by someone I love that much...But I do have this to say. I have a feeling she just told you she lied to save you and herself. Men tend to be...Possessive, as i'm sure alot of you know. That look you saw in her eyes was real, but she doesn't want her husband catching on. That's why she's avoiding you. Apparently he must be the kind that makes it to where nothing that is his wife's business is sacred. Trust me.
I think she loved me and got scared. I will always believe that in the core of my heart.
She is not married to him she is just engaged. An engagement that she called off, but she calls him her "hubby" online, lying to her friends. I know for a fact she is not married to him.
He recently started blogging again. They are having relationship issues and he feels that she doesn't love him. He says it's been going on for months and he thinks it's HIS fault. I think what he feels is real. She doesn't love him. She is making everyone think it's "them" and not her that has the problem. In this instance, I feel sorry for him, because he knows deep down that she doesn't love him.
But I don't feel sorry for him in any other sense. He is so self-centered and selfish. When me and (I will call her Z) were friends, he used to be sooo jealous. He even pulled me aside and told me that I was spending too much time with her (I live 3,000 miles away and I was visiting for a week) and that the world "didn't revolve around me." I ran away crying and shut myself up in one of her bedrooms and just fell asleep. She had no idea what he did and just thought I needed a nap. He has cut her off from all of her other friends too. When we used to talk on IM, he used to stand over her shoulder and that pissed her off. Every time they were in the same room he needed to have some part of him touching her. When I asked him about that once he said "the world needs to know that she is mine." He lives, eats, and breathes for her only. He won't even let her shower alone. It's pathetic.
Today is her birthday. I bet he doesn't even remember it's today. The best thing I can do for her today is not to contact her. It's been since June and I have not heard from her. I don't think I ever will.
Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:38 pm
lone_wondering_wolfess (D
Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 6
Location: Texas
Okay, guys like that seriously just piss me off. Women are "owned" by no one and that jackass needs to relize that. Just because your in a relationship doesn't mean your "owned".
Sorry about that. Anyway, if I were you, I'd contact her again. I'v just recently had an issue with my ex gf's current bf. She doesn't love him but for some reason she feels she has no other option besides him (dunno why). He had the nerve to get on her IM wile she wasn't around and flat out order me to stay away from her and quit talking to her. Well, naturally my answer was an abrupt "no" but for L's sake I tried to be nice to the guy. If you want more info on this story, go read my topic in the moans and groans section, but to some it up he said word for word that he just wanted to "get in her pants".
Contact her again. Be subtle, but make sure she understands that she doesn't have to let herself be "owned" by him. My dad wasn't /that/ bad with my mom, but he was pretty close. Giving her the third degree all the time, as we call it. "Where's you been? Who've you been talking to? Have you been hangin around with *insert friend's name here*? don't lie to me, I know you have." In my opinion, your lady needs to drop that possessive ass. It'll only end up way worse for her in the end. _________________ "I give to thee my most precious possession, if you return it to thine hands, keep a small peice. If thou are to break it, thou hasth two choices: pick up thine peices and repair it all, or leave thee to bleed as I await your return." ~Me
Sat Feb 09, 2008 2:26 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
I've sent numerous emails to her. No response. I even sent cards in the mail. I wished her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. She has not spoken to me in months. She ignores me at every turn. I have given up because any more contact with her and she will just think I am harassing her. She knows I am here waiting. I've told her that time and time again. I just have to wait.
Sat Feb 09, 2008 2:31 am
Willow
Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 17
I don't want to get my hopes up but . . . she finally contacted me. Well, actually I sent her an e-mail hoping she was okay. I also mentioned I will be in her area in 2 weeks because I have an appointment and some friends to meet. I asked if I could see her one last time and she said yes. I'm waiting to hear back from her of where and when. I hope I don't ruin it. I hope she doesn't back out at the last second. I hope I can have my best friend back soon. Seven months is a long time. I thought I had lost her for good. This is a sign that she cared, even if just a little bit. Otherwise, after seven months, why bother? Why not just keep on ignoring me? Then again, I read the signs wrong before. I don't want to make that same mistake again. *crosses fingers*
Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:29 am
Angel1 Moderators
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 1518
Location: U.K
quote:Originally posted by Willow:
That's ok. I ended up getting into chat. I don't think I fit in very well. I won't be going back.
Awwww(((((((((((((((Willow))))))))))))
Did you have a problem in chat sweetie?(you said you didn't fit in and won't be going back!) I have to say that i am surprised that you felt that you didn't fit in Maybe you can give it a second chance hun everyone's usually so friendly and so welcoming in chat... the ladies here are just awesome and are always there to lend an ear should the need arise.
I hope that you reconsider and do give chat another try... sending you lots of positive thoughts and hoping that your days become much brighter real soon!
with much love
Angel1 _________________ "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955)
Sun Feb 24, 2008 5:33 pm
Guest
quote:Originally posted by Angel1:
you said you didn't fit in and won't be going back!) I have to say that i am surprised that you felt that you didn't fit in Maybe you can give it a second chance hun
That was months ago when I first signed up here. I just felt that there were some inside jokes going on that I couldn't catch on to and I felt like an outsider as I was self-conscious the jokes being discussed were being directed at me. Could have been my own insecurities as well, but I just felt that I was not welcomed and I was interrupting a party I wasn't invited to. I felt out of sorts there. I'm sure everyone is very friendly. Maybe it was just a fluke or something. There was some uncomfortable-ness when I changed my font color b/c it's much easier on the eyes when people type in different font colors and it felt like the color I picked was not cool and that I had used "someone else's color." I know that sounds nit-picky and childish, but I felt like I was being made fun of somehow and just left quietly instead.
- Willow
Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:30 pm
Guest
((((((((((((((((((Willow))))))))))))))))))
Awwwwww hun i am so sorry the first time you entered chat you felt uncomfortable, i'm sure the jokes were not aimed at you... sometimes peeps are so deep in conversation that it takes a little while to get the gist of things. I have to admit that sometimes i can't get into the swing of things in chat... if not i just watch and observe until such a time where i feel i can relate in some way.
If ever you want to give the Chat Room another go.... please P.M me and i will make sure that i am in there to help you to feel at ease,it would be such a shame for you to miss out because usually everyones so supportive and so loving, especially when one of us needs a shoulder or a few kind words of support.
Please don't give up hun.... once you get used to the way chat works you'll just love to spend time in there.
Sending you much love and ((((((hugs)))))))
Angel1 x x
Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:29 pm
Guest
srry ((((((((Willow))))))))
:Guest " was me... i didn't realise that i wasn't logged in
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I want more than anything to take it all back. Take back my actions. Take back my words. Keep them locked in the back of my head where they should have stayed. Where they belonged. I had no right to do what I did.
aww this is such a sad post. why does it seem like whenever relationships get a little more serious, girls pull out!!
He has cut her off from all of her other friends too. When we used to talk on IM, he used to stand over her shoulder and that pissed her off. Every time they were in the same room he needed to have some part of him touching her. When I asked him about that once he said "the world needs to know that she is mine." He lives, eats, and breathes for her only. He won't even let her shower alone. It's pathetic. 
Seven months is a long time. I thought I had lost her for good. This is a sign that she cared, even if just a little bit. Otherwise, after seven months, why bother? Why not just keep on ignoring me? Then again, I read the signs wrong before. I don't want to make that same mistake again. *crosses fingers*
Maybe you can give it a second chance hun 
everyone's usually so friendly and so welcoming in chat... the ladies here are just awesome and are always there to lend an ear should the need arise.
