I've been wanting to do this for a long time but never really get the chance/guts to do it, or felt unnecessary but things are driving me crazy, or perhaps I'm driving myself crazy.
First of all, I’m currently a freshman at college and I’m Asian. Ever since I was in fifth grade, I found myself a little strange. I had two small crushes on girls when I was in fifth grade, but at the same time I liked boys as well. I’ve been denying that I like girls and when I talk to my sister or friends about crushes I never mention I find so and so (that are girls) attractive and I only told them the boys I found that are cute. I started watching The L Word a little less than a year ago, and ever since then I pay more attention to girls than I do to guys. But I am so confused! You can call me childish if you’d like, but I still like Asian - especially Korean boy bands. I never dated or had a boyfriend. If a boy tells me he likes me or I notice a boy likes me I just pretend nothing happened.
As of now I have a crush on this girl in my chemistry discussion. I think of her a lot and whenever we have discussion or during lecture I would try to sit close to her. She’s on the ice hockey team and I want to go watch one of her games so bad but I’m so afraid to ask my friends to go with me. I know they would think it’s strange that I prefer to go to a women’s game instead of a men’s game. What makes me more childish is that I’ve been thinking of ways to try to get her attention or ways to find out whether or not she’s interested in girls. I am so inexperience it’s not even funny. I can’t tell whether a person is gay or not except if it’s really obvious, I mean even then I’m not even sure. No ones knows that I’m attracted to girls, I never told any one, not even my sister. I don’t think anyone had ever thought of me being gay, because it’s that unobvious. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t even know if I’m straight, bi or gay. It’s so hard to explain the way I feel, and I know I’m not good at spelling it out either. But would you guys please help me? What should I do to make certain of my sexual orientation? What are the clues that someone might be gay or what are the clues that someone is definitely not gay? I don’t want to let the ones I like know that I like them because I’m afraid of getting hurt or even embarrassment. I also find myself get over people really fast and I hate it. I keep having crushes on people and it makes me feel like I’m a 10 year-old.
ps: it's been more than 4 years since I liked a guy, could this be another clue? I do find some boys cute, but I don't like them like them...
Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:20 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
Eclipse... hi!
may I start by first recommending that you read the other threads already posted on this forum...?
its not a new topic to us, to any of us... but we have discussed it from various angles in reponse to various other questions.... you're in the right section "coming out", you just need to read what has already been said....
do that, then do some thinking....
then ask us a question that isn't quite so HUGE! and ALL encompassing....
you are asking us to tell you who you are and how to find out... we just can't do that... nobody can but you... and might take years to get ALL those answers into one concise paragraph...
so.......................... seriously, return to the "Coming Out" index... and just work your way through the previous posts, read them, read the questions, read the answers... some of your question is partially answered.... _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Sat Nov 17, 2007 4:20 am
Eclipse711
Joined: 16 Nov 2007
Posts: 5
first of all, thank you for replying. I did as you told and went through some of the posts.
From what I've read though, it seems like at least the girls either have a gay/lesbian friend or had been in a relationship with a girl. My problem is I was never surrounded with gays/lesbians. All the friends I have (close friends) are completely straight. I know some people that are gay but I'm not close to them at all. I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings since no ones has a clue that I have feelings for girls. I so freaked out about telling anyone since the people around have never come in contact with this kind of issue. I don't know where gay people hang around, and even if I do I really doubt I would go. There's this Rainbow Center where the gay people in my college go to and there's no way I'm showing up there because I don't even truly know my sexual orientation (and also I really don't feel comfortable with people finding out). I'm afraid to tell the person I like about how I feel because I don't know what the clues are for someone to be gay. And the ones I had crush on aren't even my friends, they are mostly the people I either have classes with or live around my community.
I guess my question is, how should I start? Should I just confront my feelings if I like someone even they don't even know me? Should I be friends with the person I like first and if I feel comfortable then I tell them? That sounds like too much work for me, and I don't even know if I ever have the guts to tell anyone...
Sat Nov 17, 2007 6:17 pm
Cavewoman
Joined: 06 Sep 2005
Posts: 2056
Location: nearby
you confuse me... you want to know but you don't want to know... you want to explore but you don't want to explore....
I'm not Asian so i can't address any particular concern if Asian makes a particular difference...
Where do you begin? if I were you, I'd start by getting to know those gay people you are aware of ... BUT.....well, since you're so hesitant to talk/meet/explore real people in real life... how about reading some of the books or watching some of the movies suggested here? I don't know if that would truly help you figure things out though... Ever consider talking with a counsellor?
Believe me... we ALL understand the fear. And there really isn't any litmus test to help you figure out anything. It takes a lot of soul searching and in many cases a "big set of balls".... sort of like that Nike logo "just do it"... At first i was like you, head going in all directions and feet going in none, but then I got the better of myself and began to explore because i had to, because i knew i wasn't fitting into the slot that the world had planned for me = married, kids, husband, PTA, Scouts... the whole nine yards. I just knew in my guts that THAT wasn't me...
I wasn't surrounded by nor did i have any particular gay friends growing up back in the 60s ... i just sort of knew and as i got older and my opportunities expanded i gravitated toward those places and people who seemed to be gay.... maybe for now, you're simply in a place that allows you to "peak around the corner" and daydream...
I just don't really know what to tell you.... other than its your life now, its going to be your life tomorrow and its going to be your life for the next umpteen years as far as anybody knows.... _________________ " The sorcerers in life are created within each of us" --- Lynn V. Andrews
Sat Nov 17, 2007 6:34 pm
HurleyGurly
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 37
Location: New York
hey eclipse,
coming to terms with your sexual orientation is always a battle... it's always that back and forth... am i? am i not? should i be feeling this way etc... it sounds like you school is pretty open minded about being gay and the lifestyle etc (as is mine) maybe you should slowly start to submerge yourself into the rainbow center. We have one at my school in the student union and not ALL gay students go there. theres a handful of straight people, so even if u just want to go to check it out- you don;t have to come out rite away if your not comfortable with it. also perhaps reading a gay book about coming out can help you with what your struggling with.. it's a process and you shouldn't rush it. essentially it's up to you at what pace you move.. but try to get your feet wet a little bit. I know at my school they have a lot of gay sponsored events like a drag dance around halloween, and a drag kings show. A lot of times its just fun to go and watch.. But hang in there and let me know if u need anything...
-hurl
Sat Nov 17, 2007 6:55 pm
Eclipse711
Joined: 16 Nov 2007
Posts: 5
I guess you're right about not to rush things. It's not that I don't want to explore, it's more of I'm afraid to explore. the gay world is very unfamiliar to me, I have no idea what to expect from people. I was thinking of reading some books and I do think it's a good idea. I would prefer movies, but the selection isn't really that big. I will go check out the recommended book section after this reply. and hurl you brought out a good point. not all the people that goes to the rainbow center meetings are gay, perhaps I could try to get myself to go.
I guess one reason why I'm rushing to find out things is because I don't want to end up at a place where I would feel uncomfortable, like getting married and not feeling the sense of belonging. and it's also because I'm a kid, I hate debating on issues. I want answers. so sorry for asking bunch of general/random questions that not possible to give a specific answer to.
Sun Nov 18, 2007 5:29 am
DarkChyldesKiss Site Admin
Joined: 29 Mar 2005
Posts: 3381
Location: Inner Sanctum
Eclipse,
I've just quickly read through your post.
I'm half asian. One thing that asian cultures still press upon their children is to marriage and children. This puts alot on any of their children who may be gay. There are alot of things expected of us. Even though times have moved on, the traditional aspect is still very strong in asian cultures.
My best suggestion to you is to never rush anything. College is a good place to figure out who you are and what you want in life. I know its hard to step outside of the box the asian culture has put you in. It took years for my family to accept my being a lesbian.
Wish you the best in the journey that is waiting for you to begin
at my college there is a rainbow center too. it is not only for gay people but allys and accepting people. it is in the student union on the 4th floor where not many people go. also, the windows are painted so people walking by can't see who is in there. so a lot of people go there to help discover their sexuality or just meet gay people to have as friends even if they are straight. it sounds like the rainbow center at your school may be similar. is your school a big school? mine is about 15,000 people and i found that since it is a big, public school most people are fairly accepting. i have been out the whole time. i did change roommates one time but it was for the better. if you need anything just post back i will respond.
Mon Dec 17, 2007 1:45 am
Eclipse711
Joined: 16 Nov 2007
Posts: 5
I don't think I ever want my mom to find out, I don't even know what to expect from her even though I know so well since she's my mother. and you're right, being asian does add a little more to it. i don't think my other relatives will ever accept it, so there's no point of letting them know because I know the percent hope is so close to zero.
student union 4th floor? lol i think ours might be located on the 4th as well...werid. my school is a big school, but i thought we have about 20,000, not sure though.
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