Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Los Angeles, CA
I'm out...but I'm avoiding my family now!
Hello all,
I've dated guys up until two years back and wasn't interested in anyone and slowly started having feelings towards women. No guy broke my heart or cheated on me or anything, the feelings just kinda stopped. So I came out this weekend to my immediate family. My siblings were okay with it, mom said she wasn't 100% with it, but said I had to live my life as I wanted, and that she loved me anyway and wouldn't disown me or shun me...which I thought was great.
But the other day she wanted to talk to me more and pretty much threw the bible and religion at me - in a passive way but still. I guess she had a little time to let her thoughts settle and decided she didn't accept it as easily as she hoped to. I'm not religious so I don't care about the bible or anything regarding religion. The only reason I came out was because she was sharing some new information with me and it felt like a good time to just let her know what was going on with me, that I'm attracted to women and was interested in having a relationship with one. So now that she pretty much came off as the typical bible thumping holier than thou Christian, I'm kind of avoiding talking to her. She tried to make it seem like she just wanted to know more about it, but it certainly didn't come off that way and I'd just rather be left alone. I've always told myself that anyone who didn't like me or like what I was about, didn't deserve a spot in my inner circle...family included. I need positive people who will be here for me in my life, not the opposite. So anywho, just needed to get that out somewhere..and I thought why not here?
Sorry this is so long.. Any tips on how to go about communicating with mom in the future? I have a strong tendency to hold grudges and I'd hate to do that now..but that's definitely where I'm headed.
Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:07 am
Dark prism
Joined: 10 Dec 2006
Posts: 865
Location: California Dreamin, baby.
Hi there quirkz, and welcome to Mels,
This is the reply I recently gave someone else here in the Coming Out section whose father is not taking it well at all:
"Wheareas we sit and stew about this issue and usually slowly come to terms with it over time and have that time to slowly accept it, this news is usually thrust on our parents with no or little warning and sometimes it can be quite shocking. Just as we had our process to go through in accepting this because it is not necessarily a societal norm, our parents also have to go through their own process of understanding and accepting this.
Give him some time. Let him come to terms with it. I hope he realizes what he might be losing by holding onto old sterotypical ideas, but regardless, it is his choice, and all you can do is let him make it. You are not the one closing down and not loving unconditionally here, he is, and that is his choice, just a poor one if he makes it.
Give it time, hon, and try to keep lines of communication open if possible. It's all you can really do. "
Her father is not taking it well at all, and doesn't really want to talk to her. At least your mother is still talking to you. I know it is hard to hear the bible thumping crap right now, but at this moment she is trying to understand this and falling back on what she has been told in church which may be all she knows. At the very least you know that if she didn't love you, she wouldn't be trying at all. It's up to you to let her know how this all really works, and to nicely tell her that you appreciate that the church means alot to her, but it doesn't to you, and that you do not appreciate the outdated religious lectures about something you can't change about yourself.
We are talking about love here. What's wrong with love? Why would God be mad about who you love? Isn't God love? I personally believe that the religious hatred hurled at gays and lesbians stems from a fear of the unknown by judgemental people that just can't open their minds and stay out of other peoples lives.
*gets off soapbox*
I think you should give your mother some time. A lot of moms act like this in the beginning. Lots of moms that march in gay pride parades today, acted like this in the beginning. She has a lot to learn, and she needs your help to understand this whole new part of you she never knew about. Try to be patient though. I know I was very touchy about the whole subject when I first came out, and I took some simple comments to heart when the person was not trying to be mean, they just didn't know and understand the basics yet. We are the goodwill ambassadors of our community---the LGBT community, and it is up to us to help people understand us. That includes our parents.
I'd hate to see you lose your mom, but it is true that at a certain time, if she keeps being negative, you will have to distance yourself. What a tragic loss for her, and you, if that happens. I hope you can get through to her.
Good luck.
Dp _________________ "Fighting for this girl - on the battlefield of love."
Fri Apr 04, 2008 1:56 am
quirkz
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Los Angeles, CA
thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I'm giving mom time to just get use to the idea. I haven't spoken to her yet since that conversation. I don't know what to say really besides, how are ya...maybe that's all I need to say. I know she's a bit shocked but I hope she can get past it. And I am happy that she's at least talking to me so thanks for pointing that out. I feel like in the end it'll work out
thanks again =)
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