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~Wil~
Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
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My little niche in the 'verse
I wrote this following the 5,7,5 syllable guidelines of Haiku, but expanded it into multiple stanzas. I don't write much, nor do I generally use this form of poetry. I just wanted to see how it would come out ....
Injustice
Does anyone hear?
In the cold and dark night sky,
A victim cries out.
Does anyone see?
The victim, bruised and broken,
Weeping in her hands.
Does anyone care?
Every day is a struggle,
To reclaim her life
Victims united.
Our voices join together,
Demanding justice. _________________ Lost in the shuffle
Last edited by ~Wil~ on Sun Jan 14, 2007 1:31 am; edited 1 time in total
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Sun Nov 05, 2006 4:27 pm |
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~Wil~
Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
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Thank you for your comments Eire.
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Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:00 pm |
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desert-fish
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
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yep...haiku supposed to be one verse but I've also tried this multiple verse thang...it is actually quite nice to use it that way, isn't it wil?
very effective in this case I thought
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Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:13 am |
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~Wil~
Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
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Pale -
Yes, it is fun to expand into multiple verses using Haiku. I would love to read yours as well. Do you have any posted here at Mel's?
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Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:15 am |
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desert-fish
Joined: 13 Apr 2006
Posts: 2777
Location: deleted
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quote:
Originally posted by ~Wil~:
Pale -
Yes, it is fun to expand into multiple verses using Haiku. I would love to read yours as well. Do you have any posted here at Mel's?
Aaaaw it's somewhere lost in the haiku sectionWil....couldn't say where!
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Sun Nov 12, 2006 9:36 am |
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wyldhart
Joined: 02 Dec 2004
Posts: 1216
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...in truth lies perfection...this was perfect, from beginning to end...and I hate to be the one to say that i'm sorry it sat for a month with no comments...it's a beauty...thank you for sharing..it touched me..
warm tender hugs
wyld
_________________ "wyld in the darkest places of your mind"
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Thu Dec 14, 2006 2:59 am |
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~Wil~
Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
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Wyld... I'm glad that you liked it. Thank you for letting me know your thoughts on my poem. I appreciate the kind words.
~Wil~ _________________ Lost in the shuffle
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Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:18 am |
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~Wil~
Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
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Re: My little niche in the 'verse
I had a friend critique this poem for me a few days ago. So, instituting her suggestions, I have changed up the haiku a bit and thought I would post it anew for your opinions.
Thanking you in advance,
~Wil~
Injustice
*Revised
Does anyone hear?
In the cold and dark night sky,
A victim cries out.
Does anyone see?
Her body bruised and broken,
The victim, she weeps.
Does anyone care?
Every day's a struggle yet,
The victim gets through.
Do you see her now?
United with survivors,
A victim no more. _________________ Lost in the shuffle
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Sun Mar 18, 2007 7:58 am |
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chordphrute
Joined: 04 Jul 2005
Posts: 1412
Location: Nouvelle Orléans, Louisiane
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..i think it's wonderful. _________________ "You can't kiss and keep your eyes open, they'll cross forever" - Rubyfruit Jungle
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Mon Mar 19, 2007 4:46 am |
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Mairi bheag
Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 5094
Location: Scotland
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(((((((((((((Wilma))))))))))))))
A fine piece of work.
Mb
xx
_________________ all posted material (c) Marie Marshall, unless otherwise stated.
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Tue Mar 20, 2007 5:30 am |
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~Wil~
Joined: 02 Nov 2006
Posts: 203
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(((((((((((((((Hugs you all)))))))))))))))))
Thanks for your comments.
Ms. M - thank you for your suggestions.
~W~ _________________ Lost in the shuffle
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Tue Mar 20, 2007 7:25 am |
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dRED
Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 401
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Wil,
That's a really neat poem Both versions are good but the second one stands out to me more. Thank you for sharing it with us, look forward to read more from you.
Hugs
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Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:49 pm |
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