You hit me like a ton of bricks
fallen naturally from some old structure
as leaves do from trees in autumn.
It was that inevitable.
I walked past you a hundred times
without feeling threatened,
shared a room weekly, none the wiser.
Even after I had inhaled you like secondhand smoke,
I fought it like an oncoming cold; expecting to triumph
with distance and self medication in my artillery
like shields and swords.
Now that I’ve settled into the stage of acceptance
like a patient surrounded by flowers,
I can say I want to be the reason behind your every smile;
the Marlboro in your mouth when you’re anxious or bothered.
But, I don’t.
When you’re scattered, when you’re silent…
when you’re silly, when you’re borderline manic,
I love you more than I could ever explain
with every word in an unabridged dictionary on retainer
like a good attorney.
But, I keep my mouth shut
like a witness more concerned with survival than justice.
I want to siphon your darkness
like poisonous venom planted inside your body by teeth.
Wherever you may have been bitten,
I would suck and swallow til you breathed easier.
I want to frame your light
and hang it like a fixture from my ceilings
that would never need bulbs.
When you shrivel up to contain laughter,
when your mouth hangs open at a loss for words,
every time you speak before thinking
or start cleaning out of angst or boredom
I love you more
than I ever thought possible,
then bite my tongue before it tells.
I love your bones and veins
more than my entire body in its best shape.
More than I love gazing at the stars and moon
in the absence of streetlights,
I love watching your every movement
like a class of beauty too quick and marvelous
to be captured by canvas or camera.
I love your neurosis like a dozen tiny quirks
no one else has.
The way you talk to yourself in public,
even when I can’t make sense of a single word
it’s the want I have to understand every murmur
and atom of your existence
that fuels my entire life force and keeps me enamored
long after you’ve run out of incomplete sentences to form.
I don’t even care anymore if I ever get to be with you.
I just want to be around
like a fly on the wall or pen in your desk.
I want to bathe in your energy like the sun,
soak inside your vocal chords
like warm water that wrinkles my skin
but absorbs all the hurt of 365 days a year
like dirt concealed beneath fingernails.
I’m so far from 18 or 20
when expectations and emotional wounds
felt as physical as broken arms
or organs failing in hospital beds.
I just want to say it... once,
like final words before capital punishment
or goodbye’s sudden as death.
I want to tell you that I’ve loved you more
than I have anyone else
in the past 15 years.
More…than anyone on paper or in fantasy;
more…than I have loved love in movies or song.
Maybe it will be too late
by the time it feels right or I am forced by you leaving.
Maybe you won’t be the least bit surprised
or your eyes will widen in disbelief
the way they do every time I have done something nice for you
like a thousand tiny gestures
meant to construct this picture I’ve waited for you to step back and see
like a shape in the clouds.
I just want to say it once, but cannot move my mouth. _________________ shemovesme.wordpress.com
Last edited by brachingritualz on Tue Jul 31, 2012 4:29 pm; edited 2 times in total
Sun Jul 22, 2012 4:46 am
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
You know something Brach? You and I go back a long way... LOL... in terms of online poetry reading and replying....we are no more aware of each other's existence in real life now, than we were all those years ago when this correspondence started. You know I ADORE your writing, it never fails to truly amaze me how you can drag intangible emotions from the depths of your soul and transform them into heartfelt words on a page that scream, whisper, implore and demand the attention of your reader. But for the first time today I want to tell you something that I never thought I would ever say to you.
YOU ARE WRONG!
I just want to say it once, but never move my mouth
Tell her, damn it, TELL HER. How can her not knowing, how can your daily agonising, be made any less painful, if you do? TELL HER!
MG _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Sun Jul 22, 2012 11:01 pm
cupcakes
Joined: 18 Sep 2005
Posts: 324
Location: NY
brach,
you're wonderful. I'd like to fall in love with you like a rockstar's groupie and be your bajillion miles away, never to meet in RL, love poetry minion--if that's ok with you.
not that it matters what I think because I trust that you're some sort of badass rockstar who knows what you're doing... don't listen to MG! (hugs to you, MG) If you can't open your mouth to say it...there's probably a good reason...trust the innate self-preservation mechanisms. If the time ever arrives when it's right, it'll come out naturally.
besides, she knows...even if she can't admit it to herself openly, a part of her already knows and probably loves you back in her own way even if it may not be
that
way
on an upnote, at least you're putting your pain to good use. you write beautifully.
best,
cup
Thu Jul 26, 2012 1:17 pm
brachingritualz
Joined: 31 Mar 2007
Posts: 248
You both have some valid, insightful points, but I am all about self-preservation where possible. And you are right cup, it seems impossible that she could be completely oblivious at this point. I mean they say women always know, right? Most of the time anyway...I believe someday the words will leave my mouth, when a natural, non-forced opportunity presents itself because it's something that should be said at least the once. Not with the expectation that it will be reciprocated or lead to anything, but because it's something I want her to know and carry with her, the way we want anyone who has had an impact on our lives to realize their worth.
MG- I am grateful for this "correspondance" of ours and I thank you for always taking the time to read and respond, for making me feel heard and appreciated.
Cup- I would be honored to have my very own groupie and I thank you for your kind words. Judging by your advice, we have like-minded instincts. I look forward to reading more posts from you. _________________ shemovesme.wordpress.com
Fri Jul 27, 2012 4:58 am
MdmPrez
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 803
Location: US of A
brach
This is so well done. I have always admired your work.
And, I was thinking that with the love you describe here, which is supreme, how sad for the object of your affections not to know. I can't imagine anyone in the whole wide world not wanting to here "I love you".
Without knowing the relationship, if any, that you have with her, it could be quite a gift if you tell her. What do you have to lose?
Just think of how much energy you'll have after you tell her. The pent up emotions once released will leave room for a whole new world.
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