englishbird
Joined: 02 Oct 2005
Posts: 235
Location: Currently Toronto (formerly Liverpool, UK)
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Sadly Happy
You’ve asked me time and time again, why?
The answer was never clear, always changing, questioned over and over.
Then today, like most moments of clarity within me,
It came, like a dark cloud dotted with rays of sunshine.
I’d given away my happy.
I’d stopped giggling at the silly things if you weren’t giggling with me,
And you’d stopping giggling a while ago.
My giggles got to hanging out with yours, far away from the where the love lived.
My happy was in the places you didn’t go, didn’t do,
In the smell of coffee on early morning walks,
In the fresh launder of clothes,
In the shiny eyes from a friends text,
Or the shouts of passion on the soccer field, regardless of the weather.
In the meeting of new people,
Or familiar people popping over,
In the smell of fried onions and peppers,
The first gulp of a new beer or a crisp white wine on sun bathed patio,
In seeing the positive in every situation,
In the getting lost in loud music in the living room, and singing til I forgot,
In the conversations smothered with outrageously loud laughter.
My happy was suppressed by your never ending thoughts of disappointment.
Your harsh, vindictive, hurtful, sometimes even hateful words,
That cut me and beat me,
Trying desperately to mould me into a happy I couldn’t connect with.
So when you asked why, I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know,
Suppressed and instinctively knowing it was at it’s end,
And that if I let you stay my happy would never return,
And neither would I.
It was easier to love you than to leave you.
And I’ve barely cried. Until today. When I realised how much you hurt me.
My sad has come much later than yours.
And I knew I hurt you too.
But I never knew when I was hurting you,
And it hurt me to find out I was. Desperately.
Because despite it all, I did love you.
You never took my happy, I gave it away.
And that’s on me. I don’t blame you.
I don’t blame me, it just was.
But now this is me. Without you. Without anyone.
And that makes me sadly happy. _________________ Fly, go fly little one, fly as high as you dare,
Go meet your dreams, and I will still see you there.
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