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attempting to post this poem. nervous lol

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violeteyes

Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 4

attempting to post this poem. nervous lol

She descends into the icy depths of the water
Her pale skin a pearl against the moon
No one is there
In the blue of night
The sky and stars softly washing over her features
The rough rocks scrape against her neat insoles
The water ripples over her breasts
Suddenly Someone is calling…
The ends of her hair now damp
Shivers convulse her legs
Suddenly there is a giant splash
ripples in the water
She is gone
Never to be seen again
Under the glassy water

Thu Oct 13, 2005 1:39 am

DanceofSorrows

Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 2837

Violet,

A little nervous is ok lol. You have some good metaphores and I really like the first four lines. After that I was confused in the image with the line of 'suddenly there is a giant splash'..as if she wasn't already descending in the water. See what I am saying? It is just the timing of things said, not the quality of work or the creativity. Keep it going Smile

Dance~

Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:20 pm

violeteyes

Joined: 13 Oct 2005
Posts: 4

dance,

thanx so much for replying and for the tips. i will keep it going and im gonna go look to read some of your poems too Smile

violet

Sat Oct 22, 2005 6:50 pm

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