Author
|
Thread |
|
|
Redsy
Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 86
Location: South west UK |
The memories that haunt
At first it was so hard. All your things were still littered around the place: your hairbrush, your clothes, your shoes, that silly little statue that you insisted we buy at the fair, your books, your paint brushes and canvasses, your favourite cereal, the dirty dishes you’d left that morning, piled up in the sink, your hoodie, thrown casually on the couch, one sleeve trailing on the floor. Your rug, in the bedroom, the pictures of you, and us, together, smiling: so blissfully unaware...
For a long time, after coming back from the hospital, I just sat there, surrounded by your things, crying, touching, smelling your clothes, willing you to appear in the doorway, willing it to all be just a big bad joke, some kind of twisted humour, some kind of lie, just something, anything, that would make it
untrue.
Eventually our friends convinced me to pack up your stuff, I wouldn’t let them throw anything away, boxed up, it sat in the spare room, and every day I would go in and take something out, only to put it back again when the pain became too much.
I still find your long dark hairs, wrapped around a chair leg, stuck in a sock, or poking through the lining of a pillowcase. It always got everywhere; do you remember how I used to tease you about it? I can still see your face, you poking your pointy pink tongue out at me, grinning and telling me I’d best get used to it, warning me that one day the hairs would be grey instead of brown.
I wish you’d kept that promise.
I visited you today, I left a bunch of white tulips for you, I know they were your favourite. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay long, the sight of your gravestone, with your name and the dates of your short life etched so elegantly in it, it’s so final, yet so small and so… Little. I had to go: you know how I am about crying in public, I couldn’t stay.
I was cleaning the bedroom yesterday, and I found one of your socks, dusty and forgotten, under the bed. That made me cry too.
It’s raining now. The sky is dark with thick black clouds, the rain is beating its incessant rhythm against the window. I’m sitting in your rocker chair: I call it yours because it’s where you used to sit and read, all those hours of reading, it should be yours, it would be, if you were still here. I’ve turned all the lights off, and I’m watching the lightning play between the clouds. You used to love a good thunderstorm, but I can’t hear any thunder today.
I’ve finally stopped blaming myself, I think, I know I can’t change what happened, I know it’s not my fault the road was so wet, or that you lost control of the car. But I used to think it should have been me that went to get the groceries. That if I had gone instead of you, I wouldn’t have been going quite as fast: you always loved the thrill of driving too fast. I’m not angry with you, I know you didn’t mean to drive recklessly, hell, you probably weren’t. It’s just that, you were always the better driver; you always seemed so in control. I imagine that a spider crawled out of somewhere and spooked you while you were driving, you were always such a sissy about spiders. But I guess I’ll never know for sure.
It’s been almost four years since that day, and I have to move on. I can’t live in the past, but I don’t want to let you go. You’ll always be my true love, you’ll always be in my heart, but I have to carry on living my life now.
I'm moving house, again, I'm leaving this place and it's memories, that haunt me. So, tomorrow, I’m taking your things to be given to charity, I’m keeping that silly statue though: it was the last thing we bought together. Don’t worry, you’ll never be forgotten, my precious girl, and you’ll never be replaced, but I can’t do this anymore. I have to say goodbye, sleep well, Beautiful girl, sweet dreams, sweet nothings, sweet everything.
|
Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:17 pm |
|
|
|
|
aPOETICthought
Joined: 17 May 2008
Posts: 12
Location: PA's dark void |
oh my god, im not believing you made me cry.. that was great, loved it. _________________ Dismissing thoughts as well as dreams
Each fiber ripping at the seams
Dazes melding capture time
Feelings fade then flame alive
Eyes too watchful hold you still
The hourglass empties
A silent kill
|
Mon Jun 02, 2008 11:13 pm |
|
|
lilbug
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 263
Location: ireland |
thats just beautiful redsy
*whipes a tear away
beautiful
|
Thu Jul 09, 2009 1:07 pm |
|
|
|
|