Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England
hey, here's a coffee to help keep you awake! Who needs sleep? It's highly over-rated.
Thanks for the new add, nice haircut!
Sun May 02, 2010 9:34 pm
MariCR
Joined: 23 Sep 2009
Posts: 78
Location: San Jose, Costa Rica
I'm loving this so much _________________ Mari
Sun May 02, 2010 10:02 pm
T
Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 22
Location: London
I agree who needs sleep more please pretty please!!! _________________ I didn't lose my mind it was mine to give away
Mon May 03, 2010 10:20 am
girlwithguitar4447
Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan
It was Sunday, May 8. In exactly 20 days I was supposed to walk down the aisle and marry the world’s most wonderful man, and up until 48 hours before this point I had no doubt that I would actually marry him. Even when I was freaking out Friday afternoon after spending the day immersed in wedding planning I still believed I would walk down that aisle. I had set the course for my life the day I said yes to Marcus’ proposal and I fully intended on following through on that commitment. Yet 48 hours ago I had changed all that by setting events in motion that now seemed outside my control. I had kissed Katie. Yet in and of itself that action should not have knocked me off course. It was a roadblock; a hurdle that only existed because I was nervous and had merely acted out of those nerves. If it had stayed at just a kiss that’s what it would have been. Yet in my mind I knew I had moved passed that kiss being the foolish action of a moment in time where my guard had been down and had progressed into falling in love.
I shook my head as these thoughts tumbled around in my mind as I began to get ready for my time that night with Marcus. I had one hour to get ready. I had one hour to figure out why I thought I was falling in love with my best friend. What an utterly ridiculous thought! I wasn’t falling in love with Katie. I was just struggling to adapt to the news that she was gay. That’s what all this must be about. I just wasn’t ready to see her with her arms around another woman. I needed time to get used to the idea that was all. Even as I began pulling possible outfit choice out of my closet and tossing them onto the bed I knew I was only kidding myself. Of course I was in love with her. The only real question was: what now? I had 20 days. How could I fall in love with someone 20 days before I was supposed to get married? What kind of an idiot does something like that? And what was I going to do? Should I back out of my wedding or see it through hoping that I would get over my current infatuation?
Grabbing a midnight blue shirt off the bed I slipped it over my head determined to shove all these thoughts to the side during my time with Marcus. I knew the shirt with its low V-neck was one of Marcus’ favorites. I was hoping if he was distracted by my breasts maybe he wouldn’t ask me too many questions about that distant look in my eye or what thoughts were running through my head. I also slipped on a form fitting pair of jeans and a pair of black sandals with a low heel. Fixing my hair in the bathroom I finally decided I looked good and went into the living room to wait for Marcus.
Lola. The only thing I could think about was this woman. Who was she? How had they met? What was so damn special about her?
There was a knock on the door. Firmly grounded back in reality I walked over to let Marcus in.
“Hey baby,” he said, planting a gentle kiss on my cheek and embracing me. “It is so good to see your face.”
I murmured something as a reply. How could I tell him it was not his face I was most eager to see? At the same time, especially given how close our wedding day was, how could I not tell him? ‘This isn’t the right moment,’ I thought to myself, knowing the “right” moment would never really appear. I was going to have to end my relationship with Marcus. ‘Not tonight.’ I argued with myself, ‘I need to figure out how best to do this.’ What I needed was someone I could talk to about all this, someone who would listen, act as my sounding board and then help me decided how to tell Marcus all that was running through my mind. I needed Katie.
“You ready to go?” Marcus asked. Then as his eyes gave an appraising look over my body he said, “You look good. Really, really good baby.”
I smiled and told him I was ready. We first went out to eat. He took me to a small Indian restaurant despite my protests that I wouldn’t like the food there. I wasn’t a big ethnic food eater, preferring instead a hamburger or similar simple American style fare. The restaurant, however, did not disappoint. I found four different things on the menu that sounded interesting and Marcus ordered all four dishes so as to allow me to try them all. It was things like that that had made me fall in love with him in the first place. He was always so considerate, and always looking for ways to spoil me, and I do like to be spoiled.
When we finished eating we headed across town to the movie theater. Marcus was following through on his promise to take me to see the latest romantic comedy that had come out and even though I had no strong desire to see the movie I thought, ‘It might be funny, and I could really use a laugh right now.’
We got our tickets and some popcorn (though I was still so full from all the Indian food I didn’t know why we got popcorn, or why we got so much popcorn, the tub was huge) then headed into the theater to get our seats. As we were early having arrived a good half-hour before the show was set to start the theater was still fairly empty. Marcus allowed me to choose the seats and so I pointed out seats in the upper right corner of the theater on the aisle and we sat down.
We chatted about movies as the theater began to fill up until, with utter horror, I saw Katie walk into the theater holding hands with an incredibly attractive Hispanic woman: Lola. In that moment I at least knew what Katie saw in her: she was gorgeous. Her long black hair was curled and styled expertly; every strand perfectly in place looking almost carefree as it cascaded down her back. She smiled and I saw two rows of white teeth and not the freakishly white that scream “I bleach my teeth” but the most natural white teeth could possibly be. Her skin appeared smooth and soft, her eyes a soft, deep brown, her body… her body was divine. There was no other word for it; she had the body of a Greek goddess. And she was holding my Katie’s hand.
Even as I chided myself for thinking of Katie as mine I saw the look on Marcus’ face as he took in the sight of Katie holding hands with this woman. I realized in an instant how odd it would be to him because he didn’t know that Katie had realized she was a lesbian. He caught my eye and pointed.
Katie caught sight of the point even as I was pushing his outstretched arm back down into his lap. Fortunately she interpreted the motion as a wave and she walked over to Marcus and me, still holding the hand of the attractive woman at her side.
“Hey you guys!” She sounded almost a little too excited to see us, as if she was slightly flustered at being seen holding hands with a woman so soon after coming out but unwilling to release Lola’s hand.
“Hey back.” I said, forcing a smile onto my face but not really looking at Lola, “fancy seeing you here.”
“Yeah we decided kind of last minute to come. Oh are the previews starting?” Sure enough the theater began to dim as the previews started rolling. “We should find some seats,” Katie whispered and with a small wave the two of them quickly moved into seats a few rows beneath ours where I was afforded a perfect view of their hands sitting, still intertwined, on the armrest between them.
“What the hell?” Marcus hissed in my ear.
“Later,” was all I said in return.
In retrospect it was the worst movie I have ever seen. Well, that’s not really fair to say considering I don’t remember one single thing about the plot of the movie, because I spent the entire time, not watching the giant screen before my eyes, watching Katie and Lola. At first they seemed content to hold hands and smile at each other when one would catch the other’s eye. Then, about halfway through the movie, I saw Katie release Lola’s hand only to throw her arm around Lola’s shoulder. Apparently they did not think they were snuggled close enough because soon Katie moved her arm and the two of them lifted the armrest out of the way, Katie put her arm back around Lola and she slid herself right against Katie.
“Pretty cozy, aren’t they?” Marcus whispered to me. I then realized he wasn’t really watching the movie either. We were both watching Katie, but with completely different points of view. Marcus was simply curious, he knew nothing about Katie being gay so her behavior seemed very strange to him. I, on the other hand, was brimming with barely controlled jealousy. I wanted to hurdle over the rows that separated me from the two of them pull Lola away from Katie then kiss Katie passionately in front of Lola to further claim my territory. All this I wanted to do and knew I wouldn’t do at the same time. At one point I did nearly lose my control. Lola, pressed against Katie, managed to lean even closer as she whispered something in Katie’s ear. I saw Katie smile tenderly. Then I saw as she slipped her free hand up to caress Lola’s cheek and then leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth.
My heart fell through my chest in that moment. I wanted to cry and scream at the same time.
“Whoa.” I heard Marcus next to me. Must be he was watching the kiss as well. “Now that’s a kiss.” A moment’s pause, then, “so is Katie gay and I just have never known it?”
“Later,” I said, “we can discuss all this later. No w isn’t the time for this conversation.”
They kissed at least three more times during the second half of the movie. Each time it felt as if a knife was piercing my heart. I had no right to be jealous; Katie wasn’t my property nor did she even know how I felt about her. Though this was true it still hurt each time they kissed and I was reminded that I was not the person Katie was whispering to, I wasn’t the one she had her arm around, or the one she was kissing. I wasn’t the person she had chosen. Lola was.
Wed May 05, 2010 9:24 am
MysteryGirl Moderators
Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 3419
Location: I come from a land downunder
Awww. this is really tough for Jess
HugZ, MG _________________ Be yourself.............everybody else is taken!
Wed May 05, 2010 11:54 pm
Ceridwen
Joined: 13 Mar 2010
Posts: 6
Location: Not-so-wild West
Thanks for the addition! Sorry missed sleep the last time! If your job's anything like mine, it's a pleasure to sleep through work.
Here's an idea: why don't Marcus and Lola get together and
go away
? _________________ -- if I had the choice I'd take the voice I got
'cause it was hard to find -- Johnette Napolitano
Thu May 06, 2010 3:08 am
girlwithguitar4447
Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan
ceridwen- I laughed so hard at your idea! I think it's great! If only we could convince them to run away together things might get a lot easier. Unfortunately I don't see that happening
Sat May 15, 2010 12:28 pm
girlwithguitar4447
Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan
The rest of the night was a blur. I vaguely remember talking to Marcus in the car on the way back to my apartment. When we pulled into the parking lot I knew he wanted to come upstairs, knew he wanted to kiss me the way Katie had kissed Lola and see where that might lead us. I just could not bring myself to invite him up. I had to find a way to get out of the car and go upstairs to my apartment alone. Seeing Katie in the theater all over someone else had forced every other rational thought from my mind. I could think of nothing else and more than anything I knew I could not kiss Marcus; there was just no passion in me for him. All my emotion, all my desire, all my passion I had given to Katie, whether she knew it or not, hell, whether she wanted it or not.
So when he shut the ignition off I turned to him. “I am exhausted Marcus. I think I am just going to go to bed.” Disappointment washed over his features. “I am sorry. Really I am.”
Rebounding quickly he smiled. “Hey, I understand. It’s my own fault for having to go into work today. If I had been able to come over earlier we could have spent more time together. Anyway, at least I know that in 20 days we’ll share an address and we can collapse in bed together for the rest of our lives.”
All I could hope for in that moment was that Marcus wouldn’t see the shadow that passed through my eyes. I knew now, more than I had known in the last couple days that I could not keep stringing Marcus along. What I didn’t know was how in the hell I was supposed to tell him what I was now feeling. I needed to talk to my best friend, needed Katie to help me sort things out but also knew I couldn’t do that without telling her how I felt, which I wasn’t ready to do. Marcus seemed not to notice that I had stopped listening to him as he continued talking about our “wonderful” life together and had been absorbed in my own thoughts. I gave him my attention once more when he told me he loved me and then kissed my gently and sweetly on the cheek.
“Goodnight my dear Jess.” He said, with so much sweet adoration in his voice I wanted cry and tell him I was a horrible person who was not worth his love and devotion and who was about to crush his hopes and desires into tiny little pieces. Instead I mumbled an “I love you” as I got out of the car, waved as I unlocked the apartment door, and disappeared into the safety of my living room. I felt like such an ass. I had never meant to hurt Marcus. I loved him. Even still I did love him. The problem being, I realized, I now loved someone else more. Something I would have never believed possible.
The clock on the wall showed the time as 11:30pm. I couldn’t help but wonder if Katie was still with Lola. I needed someone to talk to or else I was going to spend a sleepless night obsessing over Katie. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. Flipping it open I punched in a number I had dialed so many times I could type it in without even thinking about it. Three rings later a female voice breathlessly, and sleepily mumbled, “Hello?”
“Erin I am so sorry to wake you.”
“Jess, is that you?” She slurred her words together so it sounded like one word but I understood what she meant, besides which I was just so grateful she had answered. I knew she had been working incredibly long hours and needed sleep so I felt horrible to wake her, I just didn’t know what else to do or who else to turn to. When I said this to turn I swear I could hear her sit up in bed but I definitely heard the change in her tone of voice.
“What’s wrong?” Her voice was clear and alert now.
“I’ve done something rather stupid and now I don’t know what I should do next. I mean I know part of what I have to do, except I don’t want to do it, and I know that I am going to hurt some people, which I don’t want to do, but which is kind of unavoidable now and….”
She interrupted my rambling. “Okay. Slow down. So far you are making no sense. How about this, you go make a pot of coffee for me and get yourself a drink, the stronger the better, while you wait for me, I’m on my way over.”
I tried to argue with her. I had just wanted to vent a little on the phone but she wouldn’t hear any of it and twenty minutes later she was walking through my front door. When I opened the door it was to find Erin standing there with her long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail dressed, as usual, in athletic pants and a t-shirt. Erin simply exuded athleticism with her attire, her attitude and her finely tuned body with its well defined muscles. I knew when she wasn’t at work she was playing some sport on a city league; she didn’t even seem to care what sport she was playing.
I threw myself into her arms when she got inside and I had swung the door shut behind her. She was 6 inches taller and about ten times stronger than me which added up to the perfect comfort hug. She wrapped her strong arms around me and just held me while I began to sob. All the built up emotion and confusion seemed to come racing out of me. It was as if a dam had burst and now it was all coming at once and all I could think to do was cry.
Finally, as my sobs began to fade, she released her arms from around my waist and looked down into my tear streaked face. “What has got you this wound up?”
I looked up at her. I froze, for the moment I was completely without words. I had needed someone to talk to but now that I had someone to talk to I had no idea where I would even begin to explain. I walked over and slumped onto the couch, placing my head in my hands. Soon the whole story was tumbling from my mouth as Erin, now seated across from me, just listened, not appearing shocked at all by what I was sharing with her. When I had stopped talking, having confessed all the thoughts that had raced through my mind recently, Erin sat silently for a minute or two.
When at last she looked at me again it was with a quizzical look on her face. “What are you really trying to figure out here? Are you looking to me to tell you to break things off with Marcus? Or to tell you not to do that? Do you want me to encourage you to confess your love to Katie? Do you want me to tell you that you must be gay?”
What did I want from her? “I think I just needed a sounding board. Someone who would let me talk, say all I needed to, all without judgment. That’s why I called you. You have always been that person for me who lets me say whatever it is that I need to.”
She smiled. “You sure you didn’t call me because you know I am gay and therefore would be very supportive of any decision you might be making?”
“It wasn’t even something that entered my brain when I dialed your number.” I grinned at her. “Now that you mention it… well it can’t hurt.”
She returned my smile and then asked, “Seriously though, I could tell you exactly what I think you should do in this situation. The reality being, though, that you already know what you need to do. What’s best for you.”
I did know what was best. Had known. “I need to end things with Marcus.” I stated flatly.
“I agree with you,” she began, “but still I think I should ask why you feel that way.”
“I can’t marry someone while carrying a huge torch for someone else. Definitely can’t marry a man when right now I am questioning my own sexuality.”
“Why are you questioning your sexuality? Is this just because of Katie? If so, don’t you think you ought to consider that maybe you fell in love with her specifically but that doesn’t make you an instant lesbian. Tons of people fall in love without regard to the gender of the person they are falling in love with. Maybe you are just one of those people for whom the person is the important part not what parts that person might have.”
I paused. I had considered this. Speaking slowly I said, “I think it’s more than Katie. I think somewhere in me I have always known that I was gay. I’m not one hundred percent positive but the more I think about it the more it makes sense to me. I’ve never dated much. People said it was just because I was being smart and being choosy about who I dated. I don’t think that’s it. As I look back I realize it was more because I didn’t really notice the guys around me. I did, however, notice the women around me. I knew which ones I thought were pretty and it makes me curious to wonder how many crushes I have had on women without consciously ever realizing it! But see when I kissed Katie (here my heart leapt a little in my chest just thinking about the kiss) it was like something clicked and fell into place in my head. I tasted something I had been missing without ever realizing I had been missing anything.” After a long pause I continued, “All of that to say… I really think I am gay.”
Skepticism still filled her green eyes. “Even if you and Katie never get together?”
“Even if we never get together.” I said it but the words bit into me. I couldn’t think like that. I had to believe that somehow, someway Katie would be mine. I had to believe she wanted it as much as I did, though I had no proof she really did want us to end up together.
“Well,” she said, “I think you are wise in finally recognizing who you are. It’s not an easy thing and many people go their whole lives never figuring it out. You know things aren’t going to be easy, right?” I nodded. She went on, “You are going to take a lot of shit for dumping Marcus this close the wedding and even more when word gets out why you are ending things. That is, if you are telling anyone. You know you don’t have to, you can wait to come out until you are ready.”
“I owe Marcus the truth.” I stated simply. “If I am telling him why not tell everyone. He is going to be the one hardest hit by the news. Everyone else… well if they don’t like that I like girls…. I don’t give a damn!”
We both laughed. We sat chatting about life and how the people in my life would handle my coming out. Two hours later I walked her to the door and thanked her for being there for me. She hugged me tightly as a way of saying, “You’re welcome” and she left.
Sat May 15, 2010 12:28 pm
Somegirls
Joined: 30 Apr 2010
Posts: 7
Location: East Coast
Nice!!! Can't wait to see where this goes. I'm all for happily ever after
Sat May 15, 2010 1:33 pm
TaylorSwiftFan
Joined: 14 Apr 2009
Posts: 34
Location: Glasgow
I'm loving this, cant wait to read more. _________________ ''You Shouldn't Spend Your Whole Life Trying To Be In The Popular Click''
Sun May 30, 2010 3:36 am
girlwithguitar4447
Joined: 29 Jan 2010
Posts: 124
Location: Michigan
I went to bed flying high on my own self discovery. I came quickly crashing back down to reality the following morning when I was awoken by the phone ringing on the bedside table. Groggily I fumbled for the receiver and mumbled a very sleepy, “Hello?”
“Hi Jesse,” it was my mother; my overly enthusiastic morning loving mother. I took a deep breath and tried to force my body awake.
“Hey mom, what’s up?”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“Yeah, you did. But it’s my fault really; I didn’t get to bed until late last night.”
“Well I will get straight to the point then. I was going over some of the wedding plans this morning because I received a frantic telephone call from the florist. Apparently there is some hurricane, or other such natural disaster destroying all the orchids on the planet or some such thing. He is checking with another supplier but it might be wise to have a back-up plan if that drives the cost up too much.”
I listened to her barely comprehending what she was saying. Wedding plans? Didn’t see know I couldn’t marry Marcus? Didn’t she know I was now fairly confident that I was gay? Didn’t she know that right now the one person I simply couldn’t get out of my mind was Katie? But how would she know any of this? And how was I supposed to tell her? I started to doubt my decision to proclaim to the world my self-revelation of last night.
“Jesse?” My mom’s voice rang through my thoughts.
“Sorry. Honestly mom the flowers really aren’t that big a deal to me. It won’t matter to me what kind of flowers they are so long as they are pretty and not dead.”
My mother laughed, exclaiming that it was a good thing she was helping me plan given all the things I really didn’t care about. “I mean honestly Jesse if it were up to you I think you and Marcus would wind up running off to a justice of the peace.”
‘No,’ I thought to myself, ‘if it were up to me we wouldn’t be getting married at all.’ I said nothing. I knew I was chickening out and what I needed to do was call the whole thing off but I just couldn’t seem to find the words.
“Okay.” My mom was still talking, apparently shifting topics. “I did want to ask you if you had everything under control for this weekend or if you needed any last minute help.”
This weekend? For a minute I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. Then it all hit me. This weekend was my bachelorette bash. I had originally wanted to have the party the weekend before the wedding (having the party the night before seemed like a recipe for disaster and a really bad wedding day hangover) but found that not everyone was able to go that weekend so I settled for two weeks before the wedding day. The plan was for me, my sister Sarah, Katie, Erin, and six of my other friends to drive to Chicago where we would spend the weekend living it up in the city. In all that had happened the last few days I had totally forgotten about the trip.
“Uh… No, that’s okay mom, I think I have everything under control.”
‘In light of everything going on in my life wasn’t that a huge lie,’ I thought to myself with irony.
My mom rambled on for a few more minutes before finally letting me go. I lay in bed still with my hands now covering my face. What was I supposed to do? Maybe a better question being, how was I supposed to do what I needed to do? I resolved to figure out a good way to tell everyone about calling off the wedding.
I spent the next four days telling myself each morning that today was the day I was going to do it and each evening when I hadn’t I would kick myself and promise I would get the courage up tomorrow. Meanwhile the wedding was only getting closer. Each time I talked to, and saw, Marcus a fresh wave of guilt washed over me but still I was unable to get the words out of my mouth. I felt trapped on a roller coaster ride I no longer wanted to be on but was unable to get off of. As I got into bed Thursday night I hadn’t even packed my bag for the weekend trip yet. I fell asleep dreading the time I was going to spend “celebrating” my soon to be wedding with my friends, wondering if I told them I was going to call the wedding off if they would support my decision and just take me out somewhere to get totally drunk.
When I woke the next morning it was to my sister’s insistent pounding on my front door. I let her in with a glare. I did not like mornings and the only thing worse than the morning itself were people who woke me up in the morning. She just smiled at me. She knew how I felt about mornings and though she wore a perky smile she didn’t talk much. She went into the kitchen to get me some coffee and something to eat while I went and took a hurried shower and began randomly throwing things in a small suitcase to take with me on the trip. It wasn’t long before we were out the door and on our way to pick up Katie and Erin, who didn’t live too far from each other. I was glad the other six women would be driving a minivan and carpooling to Chicago together leaving me with just Sarah, Katie and Erin for the car ride. The drive took about four hours and it actually was a lot of fun. We chatted and goofed around the whole way, never really talking about anything of substance, never talking about the wedding. I didn’t know why the subject didn’t come up but I was grateful nonetheless. I wanted to just pretend this trip was a spontaneous getaway with my friends and not the bachelorette bash it was originally intended to be.
When we arrived at the hotel we found the rest of my friends already waiting. They had already checked us in and were passing out room keys and babbling on about the evening plans. I took the room key that was handed to me, room 206, and just assumed without even asking that I would be sharing a room with my sister. I overheard Erin and Katie talking about sharing a room and an unbidden image of the two of them locked in a passionate embrace flashed into my mind. I shook my head trying to clear the thought even as I could feel jealousy rearing up in me. There was no reason to assume anything would happen between the two of them… and yet… maybe because of my own feelings for Katie and what I would like to do to her if I was left alone in a hotel room with her I didn’t trust anyone who got to share her room.
After hauling our bags up to our rooms we changed clothes and freshened up a bit before heading out for our first night on the town. We walked through downtown periodically someone would want to go into different stores and it became apparent we weren’t going to stay as one large group so we set a time to meet up back at the hotel and everyone paired off to do some shopping. I was walking with my sister Sarah as we weren’t much in a shopping mood. We watched the others hurry excitedly into different stores but decided to just go for a walk. Not much was said at first. Then Sarah broke the silence.
“I have to say,” She began, “I’m a little surprised at how not excited you seem. I remember what it was like for me two weeks before my wedding; I was all nerves, just couldn’t stop talking about the wedding.” She paused for a moment then went on, “It’s just not like you either. It really makes me think something is wrong.” She stopped walking and turned me to face her, “Like you are seriously questioning marrying Marcus.”
I opened my mouth, and then shut it as I had no idea what to say. I wanted to lie to her and I wanted to tell her the truth; the whole truth. Spying a coffee shop across the street I pointed to it, “Let’s go in there. Then I can tell you what’s really going on.”
I had decided in that moment to lay it all out to Sarah. I felt she was the one member of my family I could trust to stand by me no matter what. Not because our relationship had always been good but because we had weathered some really rocky patches, points in our lives where we rarely spoke, and we both had decided that no matter how different our lives turned out we wanted to be there for each other. I talked for an hour telling her about how I had begun to doubt my decision to marry Marcus and how after much thought I had also realized the reason I didn’t want to marry him was because I was so very attracted to girls. I didn’t tell her about kissing Katie, or about how I now firmly believed I was in love with Katie, because I didn’t want Sarah to think this was somehow Katie’s fault.
All in all I was impressed at how calmly she took in all that I said. She let me get it all out before speaking. “When are you planning on telling Marcus? Or mom and dad?”
I shook my head. “I keep meaning to but I also keep chickening out.”
“Umm… not to be the one to force you out of the closet or anything but you do realize there’s kind of a bit of a time crunch going on here right? I mean, the longer you wait to call it off the harder it’s going to be… and it’s already going to be really hard.”
“Tell me about it.” I mumbled, looking out the window. At that moment Erin and Katie walked past the coffee shop laughing and talking each carrying several shopping bags. I stared after Katie wishing I was the one she was laughing with.
“You know,” my sister said staring out the window, “If I was going to be with a woman…” My head snapped around to gawk at her. My sister, the all American girl, who had the perfect house with the perfect husband and the perfect kids, was she really going to finish that sentence? She did. “I think it would be with someone like Erin. She just seems really confident of who she is and what she wants in a relationship.” My jaw was on the floor. I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. Shrewdly Sarah changed the conversation and said, “So I heard that Katie is also gay. Just came out I believe.”
She waited for my reply. “Uh… yeah… I just found that out for myself not too long ago.” I was trying mightily not to blush but was unsure how successful I was really being at it because my sister was looking at me like she could read my feelings for Katie as if they were currently written across my face.
To my surprise and complete relief, though, she said no more about the subject. We paid our bill and left the coffee shop as it was about time to meet up with the others back at the hotel before we all would head out for dinner.
I was fairly quiet on the way back to the hotel, on the way to dinner, even through dinner, though most of my friends seemed oblivious to that fact. Katie, however, kept shooting me looks. She had known me too long to not know when something was bothering me. I was grateful there were ten other people eating with us as it did not offer Katie any opportunity to ask me what was on my mind.
Having given control of the planning of the weekend over to Erin I had no idea what was in store for me. After we all finished eating we headed back to the hotel. While in the lobby Erin informed us we were going out on the town to a very special venue.
“So you will all need to change.” She said inspecting our attire. “You guys look way too, how should I say this, umm, classy for the place we are going.”
‘Too classy,’ I thought to myself, ‘now what does she mean by that?’ But I didn’t have any more time to think it over as Erin grabbed my hand and dragged me upstairs to her room. Walking through the door she said over her shoulder to me, “I brought something for you to wear.” I followed her into the room and swung the door closed behind me. Erin turned to me, “Jesse are you sure you want to do this? I mean, given everything we talked about and all?”
“I’m not sure I have any options really. I figure I will go through the motions this weekend and then Monday I will have to come clean.”
“Yeah, but, Jesse we are your friends. We’re the people who are going to stand behind you no matter what. Why not just tell everybody and we can spend the weekend drinking to forget it all.”
“Do you remember when I got engaged?” I asked Erin.
“Sure.”
“Do you remember how all my married friends flipped because I was about to join their little exclusive club?”
“Of course I remember that. I remember being jealous because they made it perfectly clear that since I was gay, and therefore in their minds never going to get married, I was not…” Her voice trailed off. “You think because of that they won’t stand by you when you tell them the wedding is off?”
“I don’t know. And I seriously don’t think I have the emotional energy to find out. I am desperately just trying to figure out how I am supposed to tell Marcus let alone the rest of the world.”
“You know I am on your side no matter what you need to do.”
I smiled at Erin. “Of course…” I broke off when the door to the hotel room opened and Katie burst into the room. She looked from Erin to me, and then said, “Oh… sorry… I just was going to change…”
Erin glanced from me to Katie and, noticing that our eyes seemed locked on each other, she excused herself by saying, “That’s okay. I’m actually ready to go so I think I will head to the lobby and wait for you guys there.” Then she hurried from the room.
My eyes were fixed on Katie. I had no words for the emotions that were running through me. All I really knew was that I felt so much more myself when I was with her, like she completed me in some way. Like had happened to me each time I had been around Katie since that Friday night at her place I started thinking about our kiss. Then I remembered something Katie had said that night after our first kiss.
“You said you were acting out your best friend/lesbian crush fantasy.”
Katie’s head jerked in surprise. Whatever it was she was expecting me to say this obviously was not it. “What?”
“That night,” I was struggling to say the words, “After we… after we kissed. That’s what you said. What did you mean?”
“I don’t know. It was just something I said. Let’s just drop it and get ready.”
I shook my head slightly. “I don’t want to drop it. I want to know what you meant. You aren’t the type of person to just say things without meaning them. It’s one of the things I love about you.”
She stared at me. I think it was hearing me say that last phrase; hearing me talk about things I loved about her, she just didn’t know what to say. Finally she said, “I guess I had just wondered for a while what it would be like to kiss you. I don’t know why I started to get curious but I guess in some way I was jealous of Marcus. You are my best friend but there’s this whole part of yourself that he gets that I don’t.”
I wasn’t sure what she was saying. My heart heard that she was jealous of Marcus and started leaping in my chest. If she was jealous did that mean that maybe she wanted me just as I wanted her? For lack of anything better to say I blurted out, “I’m not marrying Marcus.”
“What do you mean, you’re not marrying him? You love him and the wedding in is two weeks!”
I wanted to tell her I was gay. I wanted to tell her that I was madly in love with her. I wanted to grab her and kiss her. Then I couldn’t think of a single good reason not to kiss her. I closed the space between us with a couple big hurried steps and wrapped my hands around her face drawing her lips into mine and kissing her how I had been dreaming of kissing her for the last week. At first she didn’t respond and I was afraid I had freaked her out or done something she really didn’t want, and then she was kissing me back, responding with so much force I had to catch my balance. Her arms wrapped around my waist holding our bodies tightly against each other and my head swam feeling every curve of her body press into me. My hands roamed across her back as her mouth broke free of mine and began kissing down my neck. I could feel the heat spreading through my body as I arched my head back to allow her more free access. When I couldn’t take it anymore I found her lips once more for a brief moment before beginning an exploration of Katie’s beautiful face with my lips. I softly kissed and brushed my lips across her cheek before finding the corner of her earlobe. I wanted to kiss her entire body and yet I found myself pausing for a second because I felt there was something I was bursting to say.
“I can’t marry him when I am so in love with you I cannot even think straight.” I whispered into her ear.
In that one second after I spoke she recoiled and leapt backwards almost as if I had slapped her instead of whispered into her ear. In that one second she mumbled something about “I can’t…” and she disappeared from the room. In that one second… my heart broke.
Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:12 pm
MariCR
Joined: 23 Sep 2009
Posts: 78
Location: San Jose, Costa Rica
I'm loving this so much _________________ Mari
Sun Jun 06, 2010 10:05 am
T
Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Posts: 22
Location: London
please please post more soon the last post took wayyy too long loving this story! _________________ I didn't lose my mind it was mine to give away
Sun Jun 06, 2010 9:27 pm
Stormchaser
Joined: 04 Aug 2007
Posts: 95
yeah, wow.... soon please, don't leave us hanging. _________________ "Life isn't about the number of breaths we take. It's about the moments that take our breath away."
Mon Jun 07, 2010 2:10 pm
PipSqueak
Joined: 04 Jul 2008
Posts: 987
Location: S.W. England
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