She sat beside me and did not say a word while I deeply took my smoke. She sat and only waited, sometimes she can do this for hours and I'd have finished two packs of cigarettes. I am such a louse sometimes; and for all my words too often I could not find them when I needed them. They always somehow manage to have a way of getting stuck inside. I could not even define how I feel, or say what I wanted to say. There are always too many things in my mind, they get over-crowded. and I could not define how they made me feel.
I sat down. And I tried not to slouch. Even if I know it's okay not to be invincible and strong, I could not help pretending to be one anyway. Old habits die hard, I guess. Besides, I have been trained that way. Spent all my childhooddays hiding pain, pretending strength, trying to bear. Old habits die hard, especially as old as this one. I wanted to cry. But somehow I couldn't let it out. The tears. I don't know why. I don't want to keep on blaming on how I was grown up. I guess there are just things we couldn't change just like that. Even if we know we oughtta change them.
The third cigarette died. The rest dissolved into ashes and only the butt remained. I lighted a fourth and still the night stood empty. At the back of my head the heaps of work piled one after another. I sometimes wished of dying just to get rid of them all. But that would be a lousy excuse for an exit. Sometimes, I am just tired of life. Tired of living it, and working to live it.
I thought of Jessie and the way she smiled the first time I met her. She was a cute girl. She still is now. She has this way fo smiling that always bring out the beautiful child in her. Every time. I always think of that picture whenever I'm tired, or whenever we fight, and whenever she cried. I don't think I've ever loved another woman like I've loved her. But the night is empty now. And somehow it's even emptier inside. And colder. And lonier.
Sometimes she'd be in the kitchen. Making noises with that cooking of hers. She's a good cook. A real good cook. She had lovely hands too even if she shake with over-fatigue. I could not remember how many times I kissed those hands. They were soft too. And long-fingered. And they burned into my memory. The way they feel when they held mine whenever we talk about yesterdays and todays and forever things even if at the back of our minds we knew there wasn't an eternity for the both of us.
She'd usually look wistful whenver we start talking that way. She was strong woman. Level-headed one too. And I'd try to be silently cynical just so I couldn't cry. I loved her. Ghod, I still do...
Fifteenth smoke and I remembered the way she woul dslightly frown whenver she thinks I 've had one smoke too many at one time. No one is frowning now and I wished she were around. I wouldn't even mind if she'd wear that terrible mood of hers. Or throw her worst tantrum whenever she has her red-letter days. Just give me that smile, that look... any lookwould do... Like the day she threw her arms around me. Wrapped me in tears of joy, of loss. It was just the way all her dreams were coming true. A big white wedding, soon with a nice little home and a bunch of little kids. Something we couldn't do. Not for now. Not for a long time after now.
I hope he will take care of her. I loved her.
THe cigaretter pack is empty now and the kitchen is silent and cold. There was no one beside me waiting still for me to talk. I stood up. Sometimes some of us remain this way. Those who are stubborn enough. Those who are strong enough, or those who pretend to be.
I opened the screen door and stepped inside. I still had a play to write and four scripts to do. Somehow I think I will manage it through. _________________ it just is...
Fri Mar 03, 2006 2:33 am
ghost
Joined: 06 Nov 2005
Posts: 2828
Location: MIA
(((((((((((((((shane)))))))))))))
no words. just a hug.
regards
ghost
Fri Mar 03, 2006 3:04 am
angelsheart
Joined: 19 Nov 2006
Posts: 496
Location: Nis/ Serbia
... _________________ There used to be a grayin' tower all alone on the sea... You became the light on the dark side of me...
Thu May 31, 2007 10:58 pm
kcg
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 2
wow
that was really good.
Wed Jun 06, 2007 9:26 pm
RedIsTheNewBlackBabe
Joined: 13 Nov 2006
Posts: 160
Location: I am Canadian!!
amazing... great write.. best of luck.. _________________ I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way.. And I miss you more than I should... Than I thought I could... Can't get my mind off of you..
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