My name is Lizzie Brookes, I was born on July 17th 1987 in John Radcliffe's hospital, Oxford. It was nearing midnight when my mum gave e birth, although I was too young to understand anything, no more than a few hours old I know from looking back into the past that dad was there, right beside me holding my little hand. Mum and dad told me whn I was much older that it was a traumatic birth, I was ripped from my mum's womb, a cisarean they call it, suffered extensive brain damage and lost hearing in one ear. The sureons had to work round the clock to revive me to save me, my grandad was angry which the surgeons as my heart beat slower and slower, yet I was saved. It was a real miracle. I was born on my gradad's birthday, only weighed 4 pounds. Dadheld me in dad's hand, the palm of the hand and whistle a tune, the words of which dad has now forgotten. I was given a large soft bear at my birth whom I christened Homer after the latin poet. I pretended to marry him at birth, not knowing my sexuality then of course. Dad gave up his job and was based at hme while mum worked. Dad was always in a maternal role and mum in the paternal, that was so strange. We moved to Witney, then to Oxford. I was only four when we moved to Oxford. After playing for a short time, I asked if I could go home to which the answer was, I was at home. Nursery school seems so strange now, so far off, so remote. An inspector came to inspect the school once and asked me "little girl, little girl, what would you like to be when you're older?" Apparently I stod still and thought for a moment before saying very solemnly "A fish", I don't believe anyone laughed harder that day. My teacher said I was a charecter, I was always petted and made a fuss of, especially by dad, who used to cal me his little monster. I remember from the video clip that I refused to say mum's ame into the toy phone and we all laughed, even then I suppose I was closer to dad, kind as mum was. I passed throuh the nusery school and began primary, where 5 years later would come one of the major turning points of my life.
Last edited by LCB on Sat Dec 02, 2006 7:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:19 am
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Chapter 2 Falling in love
Prmary school was magical, even now nine years later I cannot help but marvel at it. It was wonderful. When I was eight dad used totape this program for me which I loved, yet as I watched nothing else I grew addicted o it. I started to play games where I lived in a magical world with imaginary friends and so forth. Mum and dad believed I was in my own world and wiped the tapes, but I managed to preserve a copy which I watched from time to time, still do so. I did not like the tapes being wiped of course. For me that was almost like the irst act of betrayl toughof course I didn't say anything. I used to be a bully when I was eight as well - nobody will remember of course, not even mum and dad. There was another irl I hated for some reason and I bullied her, I can't believe that no of course, looking back. Things may have gone on this way, but for an unexpected twist.
My class had been split in half in year 4 and in year 5 the two halves were reunited with a new teacher. When I was nine years old, when I first cast eyesupon my best friend after being in a seperate class to her for four years, I fell in love with her. It was almost instantaneous. I knew in that instant what falling in love meant, though I was so young. I had never een interested before, not even when my friend Meryl asked dad if he could mrry me when we wereboth five. Yetthe moment my eyes et hers I knew my feelings ran deeper than that of friendship, that I longed for her eyes to meet mine, for our lips to brush against each other, to take her in my arms, to dance with he, to marry her -yet the strangest thing was I never once wanted to sleep with her - not in those terms - to lie beside her yes but not to actually sleep with her. I knew that though I never found a word for it until I turned 17.
I knew of course that my mum and dad would believe I was too young to feel love, I was afraid of vexing Rosamund by telling her the truth though I believed she had a right to know it. I kept it secret but loved her more and more. I believe my mum and dad knew round the same time as I did, it was very obvious that I loved her and I still love her nearly nine years later. I remember our school trips like yesterday. She shared the same room as m. I cannot shke out of my mind the image of her standing in front of the miror combing out her long, straight dark brown hair. And her dark eyes, so deep so full of eaning, I wish even now I could tumble into them. I wish we could fuse and become one. Her soft voice, her laughter, her joy. My love remained concealed till I was ten years old.
Last edited by LCB on Sat Dec 02, 2006 7:14 pm; edited 3 times in total
Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:23 am
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Please reply. What d'you think of it so far?
Mon Oct 10, 2005 4:58 pm
SWAY
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Posts: 1560
Location: Upstate NY
LCB,
I am enjoying this story, MORE PLEASE!
SWAY _________________ Giving myself to others has made me jaded...
Mon Oct 10, 2005 6:26 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Chapter 3 The Seperation
In Year 6 when I turned 10, thesecret did not remain a secret. My close friend Kirsty, asked me who I was in love with - it never occured to me to keep it secret so told her I had fallen in love with Rosamund. Then I told lots of people - As I always saw myself in the man's role it did not seem to me that a girl falling head over heels inlove with another girl was a problem. At last I believed Rosamund herself had a right to know the truth. Another friend told her Then during a Maths lesson I tried to explain, not realising that my gender was a problem. She was very upset. I wished when I was 10 that I could turn the clock back. I remember making mozaics out of carpark stones for her - it was extraordinary, exceptional but I had no doubt that she was my soulmate and still is.
At last the years at primary came to an end. I visitedtwo schools, and choose the latter but was deasted to learn that Rosamund had chosen the former- I believed we were divided for ever though I wished her joy and we patched up our friendship. I knew that the first hool I had visited wasn't the right school for me, but I didn't want to be parted from my soul. I memorised her and I memorised the primary school. I think my mum and my aunt at any rate knew Ihad fallen in love with her though they said nothing. I tried to tell dad as we were going up the hill from Primary School to the house. I didn't tell my parents until I was 12.
Last edited by LCB on Sat Dec 02, 2006 7:12 pm; edited 1 time in total
Thu Oct 13, 2005 6:17 am
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
So what do you think?
Fri Oct 14, 2005 3:58 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Chapter 4 Year 7
Year 7 at my school was quite uneventful. Lovely as the school was I did not like being seperated from my beloved soulmate. I said I would love her forever and I meant it - I still love her now and always will though she is dree. When I was 1 I dreamt of her everynght and though happy I missed her. I did not of course tell my mum or my dad any of this though they must have realised I suppose. The hair pulling (trichotilomania) began in the summer of Year 6 when first parted from Rosamund. My mum and dad at this tie split up. Dad told me this in 1996 when I was 9 I remember - dad was and is always honest with me which is why i often wish I could be honest with dad - though I ow you don't know what I'm talking about as yet. In most cases I know this would have been hard to deal with but dad knew I would be alright with it and I was, I was tired of my parents marital arguments and I remember saying to dad that dad might meet someone nice though dad did not believe me at the time. I knew I would never meet anyone else - Rosamund is the only one in the world for me - my soulmate. Dad rented a room in a buingalow from the gran of a mae of mine nearly seven years ago now. It was lovely - almost like a holiday hotel. The fish in the pond outside that was replenished with a fountain was covered in a net to stopats or birds eating them. There wee twelve goldfish in the pond.
I had when I was younger wanted a dolls house and dad made me one I remember and I helped. It was lovely. I helped dad with everything and we had a wonderful five years there though the last two or three were shaddowed - you'll understand as the novel progresses what I mean. Still despite my happiness I wanted y beloved Rosamund by my side and I could not help feeling asif something were missing. When I was 9 dad told me about a young friend of dad's and her daughter Clarissa. Clarissa had lost her dad when she was 5, he had passed away in the arms of dad's friend . I immediately consented to write to Clarissa and be firm penfriends with her - it was lovely. I did not know much of her mum at the time wich is unbelievable now. In Year 8 that things took a sudden sinister turn.
Last edited by LCB on Sat Dec 02, 2006 7:19 pm; edited 3 times in total
Mon Oct 17, 2005 5:53 am
calypso
Joined: 28 Jul 2005
Posts: 43
Thanks for sharing your story with us
I hope you're fine
Caly**
Mon Oct 17, 2005 7:13 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Thanks Cally. Its not finished yet don't worry. There is much more to tell.
Chapter 5 The Bullying.
In Year 8, the form groups were changed round and the idiots who were in different form groups in year 7 ended up in mine (this is now almost six years ago when I was 12). Well, although there were many boys in our class who were sensible, there were other that were idiots as happens in all schools. wasn't worried as I thought that irt was only in year 7 that people get bullied but this was not to be. I had not identified myself as being a lesbian or as being asexual at the time. I was't sure really what I was. All I knew was that I was madly in love with H. Well R R and R asked me just as A did two years previous;y who I was in love with. Not wanting to lie I told them. I was young andd niave at the time, it never occured to me not to be honest. I only wishedI could tell her the truth and ask her for her hand in marriage. Whether a consent or a denial did not matter to me. While I considered myself as ound I always held her free. Well it spread round the school like wildfire I remember and I was bullied. I will not dwell too much on this of course. The boys teased me about my sexuality, called me a lesbian and even made me say it into a tape recorder. They said they would tell the hole world and I would be ridiuled. Of course I wouln't believe any of thatnonsense now but then I was young. I I couldn't tellanyone because the leading boy sad he would kill H if I did. So things went on and on until i was found out one day in ICT. Apparently from what I heard afterwards the boy fancied me and knew he could never have me because I liked other girls. I did forgive him and I was slightly sorry for him afterwards because my vanity was flattered by the fact that he liked me. It started in September and went on till April but luckilly everything was sorted out. there were plans to move me to a girls school because - well -n that time in IT he did try to clutch y breasts. Everything was sorted out and he was moved to another form group. The girls school we thought of was closing and I said I wished to remain at school because I still liked it there so ater that nothing more happened. Of course all this eant that I had to tell mum and dad about H which I would not have done if I hadn't been bullied. Mum thought it was a crush and even dad did't take it particularly seriously at the time which is in a way what first triggered off my depression in Year 9 - the fact that nobody understood about my beloved H. I had crushes before - on my form teacher at primary, on my friend E but H was my soulmate and crushes don't last from the age of 9 till the age of 12 or even till the age of 18.
Wed Oct 19, 2005 5:55 am
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Chapter 6 Dad's remarriage.
So all the difficulties were solved in year 8 and I put the past behind me heading into Year 9 which I never would have dreamed would end so that my life would change forever. I did not identify myself as a lebian just yet. I was still unsure though I knew that H and I were meat to be and still are and always will be. I was happy yes but I was still angry that nobody understood about H though I had the sense not to try and reopen the subject with mum or dad. Now for my dad and my stepmother's romantic fairy tale story which ties in with the ever continuing story of me and H. I know its not a lesbian story but its ll interconnected as you see. lots of these tings touch upon each other.
When my dad was 20 dad had a bet on with a mate on a £5 note. They would each pick a penfriend but the penfriend wouldn't write back. Penfriends were selected from a list and my stepmother wrote bac to my dad so dad got the £5. My stepmother was seventeen. Well they wrote to each other for years and then dad fell in love with her, she was in love with my stepsister's dad at the time so she refused. y two grandads arranged for dad to marry mum (In India there were arranged marriages in those days) and at first dad said no, then dad married mum and came over to England. My stepmother married my stepsister's dad. They continued to write to each other as best friends. I was born and so was my stepsister. Then dad lost touch with my stepmother for five years. Dad and mum seperated when I was 11. Dad told me when I was 9 but I was exceptionally fine with it - I didn't like the quarrels. My dad ran into a friend 5 years later who told dad that my stepsister's dad had passed away in my stepmothers arms, he had a brain tumour you see. My stepsister was only 5 at the time so I'm really lucky to have been able to spend so much time with dad, I'mso grateful to God. Dad rang her up and asked if they could make a go of it. She refused. Then they met in 1999. My stepmother opened the door and thought dad was the salesperson. It was love at first sight and soo romantic
I must go eat diiner wuill continue soon.
Thu Oct 20, 2005 6:00 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Chapter 7 My stepfamily
My stpmother phoned dad and said "I love you". They got engaged and then dad came ack and very quietly told me and showed me the photographs. Under normal circumstances I know there would have been jealousy (ie. If mum ever got a bloke I would most certainly be jealous) but these circumstances were exceptional. In fact I accepted my stepmother and stepsister before they accepted me and dad. I saw their phos as wll ad I gave dad my blessing. We agreed not to tell mum as shewould be jealous. I would have preferred for dad to keep the marriage secret forever but said said no. So they married on the 29th of October 200. A week before that I had seen a gay couple pretending to tie the knot in Casualty on October 15th so the very next day retended to marry H's photograph at 4.00 in the morning. That was really romantic too. Dad and I had a code. Dasd would tell me the potatoes were becoming ripe and I would reply yes I helped mum in the garden today. Well it was wonderful. Dad laughed when I asked if dad got down on one knee and proposed in candlelight or if the vicar sid "You may kiss the bride" because in India it's different but ever so beautiful and romantic. Somehow in a way the moment I heard of my stepmother and stepsister we clicked. It was extraordinary. My dsd and stepmother were definitely together 6 previous lives and will be together 12 future lives though I would apply that to me and H too. My stepfamily were definitely my real family in the previous life. I was a bit shocked of course whendad said once jokingly "Well I hope you don't marry your stepmother" though I laughed alongside dad, but of course she's like a mother figure and H is definitely my soulmate. I only wish such a lovely year had not ended with depression.
Fri Oct 21, 2005 5:04 am
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Please reply and tell me what you think
Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:23 am
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
Chapter 8 Counselling and Therapy.
I loved my stepfamily with a passion that my mum and my mum's family could not hoe to equal though I was fond f them and grateful to them. I think I first realised I lovedmy stepfamily more whenI was 12. I had even at the age of 12 consideredthe possibilit of death but that was only because of the bullying, it was long before the depression came. In Year 9 I wishedto put the past behind me and move on though of course I would never cease to love H. I was sent to the Park Hospital in order to recieve counselling following the bullying. When I was ready to put the bulying behind me, my therapist aked me if I had aything else I wnted to tell her. I hesitated fr a second and then decided to trust her.
I explained about my love for H and how upset I was that people did notunderstand about it. I told how I had ony told mum and dad once and how it never went any further, how mum said itwas a crush. Dad didn't say anything and how nbody took it seriously. I was quite fed up and fustratedthat people did not understand about her. My therapist was glad I had told her. but even she treated my unrequited love as medical problem. At the time I wanted only two things. One was to tell H the truth and get a straight answer - I idn't mind whether yes or no. Seond was not to hide it, to tell people openly and kow that they understood and accepted and believed.
I went to lots of sessions but was irritated at all this questioing and note taking. This was not what I wanted. I told my therapist (let's call her JD) about my pretend marriage to H's photograph on 16th October 200. It seemed extra sepecial ecause my dad marrried my stepmother for real on October 29th 2000, five years ago now. I assured her that I knew the difference between fantasy and reality and that this was simply me pretending the real H whom I love was here with me - that it was not an image I was in love with, not merely a crush or a childhood romance. After a while she suggested I confide in dad. I thought about it and eventually agreed but alas it is hard to predict how people would react to things, even if you know them well.
Dad was upset. I alone was calm. That always seems to happen. Others go into a panic and I'm perfectly composed. Dad said that JD was afraid I would be confused betwen the pretend H and the real H. I was disgusted at this lack of trut. When i pretended I simply pretendedthe real H was by my side and saxd all the loving things I wanted to say to her to he photograph instead. Dad was all for telling H I was in love with her at the time, I can even quote dad's words "Perhaps I'm being selfish as a father". JD talked dad out of this though. I was annoyed at the whole thing and swre that I would never go near a counsellor or therapist again. The strange thing was that dad said something which was of sigificance only months ater. dad said and i quote "I don't want to lose my daughter". At the time I was really suurprised and didn't notice but then sveral months later I got depression. It was about 3 years after I got depression that I oticed the patterns of course. At the time dad said that I had no depression so its strange. It's almost like dad's words were foreshaddowing what was to come.
Tue Nov 01, 2005 7:21 am
ntrossy
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 10
LCB,
Your story is such a real experience that I can catch up with so far. I thought you should have thought a lot while writing all those stuffs down. Keep going with that. I look forward to reading the next parts in which you become a young lady with the steadily strong affection for your soulmate.
nt
Wed Nov 02, 2005 5:23 pm
LCB
Joined: 09 Sep 2005
Posts: 101
Location: England
quote:Originally posted by ntrossy:
LCB,
Your story is such a real experience that I can catch up with so far. I thought you should have thought a lot while writing all those stuffs down. Keep going with that. I look forward to reading the next parts in which you become a young lady with the steadily strong affection for your soulmate.
nt
Thanks NT I'm so glad you like it. It's even more s[ecial that its all real and not made up I agree.
Chapter 9 Truth or Lies
Well after a while I stopped seeing the counsellor/therapist becaude it didn't help. I instead made a fresh start and crushed my fustration that nobody understood about H. Meantime I was developed a dep and strong bond with my stepfamil. My dad told my stepmother of my love for H and she wrote me a long letter. Out of respect and love for her I read it though I could not quite agree with what it said. There was also a newspaper cutting which I glanced through headed "Whythe pope says no to Gay marriages". At the time of course I had not classified myself as Lan asexual Lesian. Then I feltvery torn. I longed to be spiritual like my dad and my stepfamily. At the same time I did not have a problem with people being gay or anything. Unfortunately my stepfamily are brought up in a society where homosexuality is regarded as wrong because they believe it to be unatural. Dad and myself can be spiritual and understand about it. With my stepfamily - they are not homophobic but they are brought upin a society where this is regarded as strange and suspicious. They cnnot digest it. Well I read the letter but I wasn't angry with my stepmother because I loved her with a passion that I coukldn't equal with mum. It's like if you are ina relationship with someone and you met someone else/. I'm fond of mum and like her and I'l always stand by her and begrateful to her. The same goes for my mum's family but my heart belongs with my dad and my stepfamily and of course H.
Even under such a test as this I did not cease to love H and still I love her though she is free. "She is my life, my soul, my being. Whatever our souls are made of H's and mine are the same. My oly thought of lving is in H. I am H." I was relieved that my stepmother didn't say it was a crush or an image. I agreed with her in so far as to accept friendship if H couldn't requite me as that is what I believe myself and would do myself. From her letter I realised that she would have understood completely if one of us had been male and so I could overlook this with both Aunty (that's what I call my stepmother) and S (my stepsister) but with my mum and my mum's family there is no excuse. They are brought up in the right society. There is no reason why they should not understand. Then when my stepsister and myself were chating through computer a fewmonths later I tried to be honest with her about H with al most disastrous results. UIt was ;ike telling H at the age of 10.
Lizzie: "I'm in love"
S: "What do you mean, you're in love?"
Lizzie: "I mean that when I was nine I fel in love with my est friend H"
S: "Is it true? Are you joking or are you srious?"
Dad came in at that point and seeing how poor S was freaking herself out, tol me to tell her I was joking which I did. My stepmother came from the litchen and saw my message and my stepmother's mum was staying there and she saw it too. Luckilly tings wre sorted but I had to lie my way out. What so often happens is that I start by telling the truth once, maybe tice, maybe thrice and then when things go wrong hurriedly lie to undo it all or make things come right. I have not tol my stepfamily the truth about H since but I hate lying to them, I can't stand the deciet. I said she was my est friend and left it at that when I was 17 although ad of course was ot ooled. "Is H still your best friend?" and I said yes, understanding of course the emphasis on the wor still. I was slightly annoyed when dad said "She may be your best friend but don't let your imsagination take over. She has her life to lead and you have yours" though I greed. I didn't imagine myself in love with her I am in love with her, I know and accept she can't requite me t when I love its forever like Sonya in War and Peace.
Well it was a few months after this that my depression struck.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
Gallery
FAQ
Profile PM's 
